At the end of last month’s post, I asked you to think about a couple’s unfolding history and share how you would structure treatment after disclosure of an affair and a history of lies and deceit. What might you say to them at the end of the first session? And what would be some considerations for you in structuring the next session?  

An important consideration for me was how quickly the husband seemed to be rushing towards divorce while simultaneously wanting an amicable divorce. He’d been married to his wife and had lied to her for many years. Fearing conflict and not wanting to apologize, he’d been evasive and secretive. They had two children together. But he wanted out and he wanted out quickly. He avoided significant issues in the marriage and now wanted to handle the divorce the same way, in essence deceiving himself about how easy it might be to achieve a friendly divorce.

His wife was furious. I knew there was no way he would get an amicable divorce if he rushed through separation and divorce. And I knew that in a very short time I had to make an impression strong enough to get their attention but not so strong that I scared them away.

I also knew that if he returned to therapy to please me and please his wife, I would have very little leverage to encourage change in their patterns and I’d be unable to trust what he said or did. His history of conflict avoidance and adaptation to his wife and mother was quite pervasive and I did not want him to replicate that with me. And his felony lies were extensive, but I did not believe he was a sociopath.

I will pick up the session near the end after we were discussing his pattern of apologizing to avoid conflict. If you'd like to read  the first part of the transcript you can see it here.

Here’s how the end of our first session unfolded:

Ellyn: You’ve never really had a real chance to find out about your compatibility because the foundation of your marriage has not been honest.  How do you feel when you say to her you wish you had done some things differently?  

Husband:  Well it’s just the same old apology.  You know I’m always apologizing.

Ellyn:  Apologizing is a lot different from being accountable and responsible for what you say and do.  You were saying, “I wish I had stood up for myself better.  I wish I had confronted you more directly.”

Husband:  (Looks surprised) Well, you’re right.  I guess that isn’t what she wanted me to apologize for.  That’s what I wish I had done.  The real cause of my distancing myself from her is that I just never stood up for myself.  Right back to the very, very beginning,

Ellyn:  Does it seem like the only way to redeem your self is to get a divorce?

Husband:  I’ve sold myself out to her for so long.  It’s hard to imagine that I could ever work through all that resentment and come to a place where I love her again.

I then summarized the session:

Ellyn:  I think each of you has a very tough, independent decision to make about whether you will keep talking, how you will keep talking, where you will keep talking, and in what form you will keep talking.  And whether with this crisis you want to change this 20-year pattern. You certainly can repeat it – that would be the easiest thing to do.  

Husband:  Or the other option, which I’ve thought about, is just go to the lawyer, get the divorce and don’t talk to her anymore.  Quite frankly, that’s what I’ve been thinking of doing.

Ellyn:  I’m not sure that’s any different than the 20-year pattern.

Husband:  He laughs and says: I see you’re right and that really isn’t what I want to do.

Ellyn (to husband):  The different pattern on your side would be talking about the tough issues with her, working them through instead of apologizing for things you don’t feel sorry for, and working through the tough issues  with her directly.  But I’m not sure that’s what you really want to do.

Ellyn (to  wife):   And you would need to decide whether or not you really are prepared to hear the honesty. You will be listening to some difficult truths.

Husband:  I do want to break the pattern.  I get frustrated in my attempts when it seems like we just keep going over the same old territory like we have been for the last 3 months. Nothing changes.  I definitely don’t want to be in the same spot 6 months from now that we’re in now and I really don’t feel like Francesca has moved at all.

Ellyn:  You have not given her a real chance to move. She shouldn’t have moved.  You haven’t been telling her the truth.  In fact for the last 3 months you’ve been creating a more difficult situation where you’ve been saying she should believe you and she was crazy when she didn’t believe you – when in fact you’ve been lying.  You’ve been saying she should believe what she really shouldn’t believe.

Husband:  That’s fair.  Touché!

Ellyn:  I’d like to know as honestly as you can what are your feelings about our session today?

Husband:  We got at real issues for the first time.

Wife:  Today we talked about things I wanted to but never got to with the other therapist.

Ellyn:  I won’t schedule another appointment right now. I’m challenging each of you to think hard about whether or not you want to come back.

(to husband) If you come back, I’m going to be asking you to come clean in a way that you’ve never come clean before. Really lay the facts on the table.

(to wife)If you come it means I will be confronting you, I will be asking you to listen, to stop jumping in. I’ll ask you to say things differently than you’ve said them in the past.

I want each of you separately to make your own decision about whether you want to go ahead with the kind of work I’m talking about.  There will be excruciating moments and it will be very different from how you’ve related to each other in the past.  I would like each of you separately to decide and separately to call me.

Husband: The insights that you’ve had have certainly been – should I say – refreshing, if painful.  

He tries to make an appointment and I refuse, saying, “I’ll give you the videotape to take with you and then you call me after you’ve watched it and taken some time to think about it.”

In about a week, I heard separately from each of them that they wanted to return.

Again, I’d love to read some of your reactions. What do you think about the direction I took? How would you say things yourself?.  Of course I appreciate positive feedback as much as anyone, but you are also free to suggest other approaches. After reading your comments I will post the outcome of this case.  Thanks for your involvement.