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Couples’ BlogHow to Get the Most From Your Couples Therapy
What Would You March For?
Dateline Hong Kong August 18, 2019
Protestor March, 5:03 PM
I am standing in front of a mall in the middle of Hong Kong as thousands of marchers parade by me in the rain.
No violence. No threats. No police brutality. Some chants in Chinese but not too much or too loud.
Some marchers are couples holding hands.
Some couples are pushing strollers with babies and toddlers getting an early taste of what it means to march for freedom.
They walk past me by the thousands. It seems like a never-ending stream of peacefully moving humanity. So far this parade has been 45–minutes long and still no end to it.
Watching this flow of frustrated freedom seekers, I feel as safe as I would on Sunday afternoon in quiet Menlo Park, California. … Read more... Hello Undifferentiated Self In the Bader-Pearson Developmental Model of Couples therapy, you may hear about differentiation. But what is it? This blog post includes the poem, “Undifferentiated Self,” which touches on differentiation.
In case you are unfamiliar with this concept, here is a note of clarification to help you understand one aspect of the broader term. According to Couples Institute co-founder, Dr. Ellyn Bader, “self-differentiation is the capacity to go internal and notice and express one’s thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires without blame or criticism.” It takes maturity to interact in this way and it is not uncommon to struggle at times in this regard – especially in important relationships.… Read more... Pete’s Interview – Stages of Relationships – Triggers
Thanks for your interest in my recent interview on NPR.
I hope you get some valuable insights for your relationship regarding:
The stages of a relationship or marriage
Lies we tell our partners
Triggers we have that cause challenges in our relationships
You won't want to miss my impromptu session with a stranger where I walked a listener through a long time trigger that he had interacting with his partner. In less than ten minutes, he was able to begin feeling differently and break a pattern he has had for years (Listener Question 2 at about 36 minutes in).
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Podcast Highlights:
01:05 – Honeymoon Stage and Innocent Lies in the Beginning
05:40 – Avoiding the Truth
10:00 – Start to Work as a TEAM
10:45 – Partners on a Pedestal at the Beginning
11:30 – Tell Me No Lies
11:45 – Second Stage – Power Struggles
15:50 – Marriage is the only Non-Hierarchical Relationship there is.… Read more... The Cookie Jar Marriage The cookie jar is an interesting concept.
It’s so much more than a storage container!
It’s where kids head for an immediate snack when feeling down or to celebrate when feeling great.
Know what? We never outgrow the lure of the cookie jar. Only now there are different kinds of cookies in the jar.
Instead of chocolate chip cookies, there are different kinds of treats, a.k.a. immediate gratifications of primal desires.
We head for these cookies when we feel tired, mad, sad, glad or scared.
These “cookies” are labeled…
Procrastination
Sloth
Gluttony
Booze
Drugs
Greed
Anger
Fighting back
Withdrawing
Retreating into our self-protective bubble
Whining
Blaming
Grumpiness
Irritability
These “cookies” can become as addictive as the originals are.… Read more... A grave digger’s perspective about one kind of marriage I used to be a grave digger. College summer job. No heavy equipment. Just two good shovels, pick axe, tape measure, string, and a tarp.
I wasn’t that philosophical then.
I could not have imagined that someday I’d see parallels between that and my current psychology practice specializing in couple’s therapy.
I’m talking about the price that some couples pay to keep the peace in their marriage. The slow, torturous death of continuous acquiescence.
Every couple knows it is important to compromise.
But what happens when conflict avoidant couples carry it too far?
What parts of their relationship get buried when they deny or distort their dreams?… Read more... Teamwork: From now on if someone calls me chicken . . . From now on if someone calls me “chicken,” I'll take that as a huge compliment.
For any person – especially a male – being called chicken is a searing insult. But not for me. Not anymore.
Not after what I witnessed. Here’s the back story.
It was a summer afternoon on my vacation in Kauai. I was on the patio feeding a mother hen and her five baby chicks bits of wheat bread. They run wild on the Hawaiian island and are protected by state law.
I got to the place where the baby chicks eagerly ate out of my hand.
Then I fed a chunk to Mama Hen and she dropped it on the ground. Immediately one of the chicks snatched it and ran off.… Read more... “I just want my partner to understand me.” In my practice, I hear many couples say, ” I just want my partner to understand me.
Who wouldn't want that? You tell your partner things, they truly get what you say and you feel understood. And vice versa: your partner shares their deepest feelings and thoughts with you, you receive what they say, and everyone in the end feels understood – and loved.
It doesn't always work that way though, does it?
In my practice I’ve noticed many reasons why couples don't feel they have the understanding relationship that they desire. Or, why they don't feel as understood as they wish they did.
I have also found a powerful shift in thinking that can change this.… Read more... Why couples therapy isn’t just for when things are going wrong Most people tend to associate couples therapy with intractable problems that they and their partner are struggling with. Couples usually wait until their situation has reached the breaking point before seeking couples therapy, often putting themselves through months or years of unnecessary disappointment, distress and destructive behavior.
As an experienced couples psychotherapist, I can say with confidence that much of the distress, heartbreak and breakdown in couples’ relationships could have been avoided with early intervention. Your couple relationship can harbor rich rewards for your mental and physical health, and significantly contribute to achievements and life satisfaction in both your personal and professional life.… Read more... Rituals for Mother’s Day
Contrary to the cynic’s belief, Mother’s Day is not an invention of Hallmark. The roots actually predate Hallmark, going back to ancient Egyptians, Greeks and Romans. Now's a good time to think about Mother's Day rituals in your family.
According to Wikipedia, Mother’s Day in America was created by Anna Jarvis Grafton in 1908 as a day to honor mothers everywhere. Jarvis was inspired by her mother's dream of making a celebration for all mothers.
President Woodrow Wilson made the day an official national holiday in 1914. The holiday eventually became so highly commercialized that many, including its founder, Anna Jarvis, considered it a “Hallmark holiday,” one with an overwhelming commercial purpose.… Read more... Reflections on Motherhood
Most couples have no idea about the stresses of parenthood before the first child arrives. Sleep deprivation, economic stress, cranky kids, too little time together and challenging limit setting all stress the most loving relationship. And well-meaning in-laws can stir up trouble too. Nobody said motherhood was easy. Watch this video to see some reflections on motherhood and ways to be good to yourself.… Read more... |
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