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Over the last few weeks, we’ve been discussing angry fighting couples who are arrested at the first stage of development.
If you’ve been following along, you’ve been laying a strong foundation for change; assessing motivation and doing some trust-building. Now it is time to push for individual development.
A big stumbling block is partners’ focus on changing each other rather than changing themselves.
But self-accountability is crucial to making lasting change.
Here are some questions I like to use to shift partners into focusing more on internal change.
1. What kind of relationship do you want to create?… Read more...
DifferentiationGoing Deeper: Moving from Hostile Symbiosis into DifferentiationOver the last few weeks, we’ve been discussing angry fighting couples who are arrested at the first stage of development.
If you’ve been following along, you’ve been laying a strong foundation for change; assessing motivation and doing some trust-building. Now it is time to push for individual development.
A big stumbling block is partners’ focus on changing each other rather than changing themselves.
But self-accountability is crucial to making lasting change.
Here are some questions I like to use to shift partners into focusing more on internal change.
1. What kind of relationship do you want to create?… Read more... Differentiation in Couples Relationships Recently I was interviewed by Diane Heller for her membership program. My topic was “Differentiation in Couples Relationships.”
The hour-long interview covered many aspects of differentiation and why I am passionate about couples therapists really understanding the essence of differentiation.
I share this with you because differentiation is what makes the difference between relationships that are stuck or boring and those that are alive and growing.
I’ll be sharing some sections of the interview with you in my upcoming blogs. Today’s post introduces and discusses Differentiation in Couples Therapy.… Read more... Are You Smarter Than a Fox? Have you heard of the Killdeer? No, it’s not a mammal, but an amazing bird from the sandpiper family. The Killdeer do not build much of a nest. They lay their eggs in a nest on rocky ground areas. This makes them especially vulnerable to predators like foxes. So, the very smart killdeer developed special behavioral adaptations to protect the nest. What could this have to do with skillful confrontation in couples therapy?… Read more... Losing Direction: When Intimacy Avoiders Lead You Astray Partners who desperately want intimacy often push it away. It’s easy to lose direction with them. They demand more openness from their partners but then deflect, attack or give double messages when their partners are more open.… Read more... Losing Control: It Happens Sooner Than You Think Losing control of a given couples therapy session happens sooner and faster than you think.
How soon?
Often it is in the first few minutes of a session.… Read more... Couples Therapy Benefits From Interpersonal Neurobiology In my online training program, I often invite guest experts to teach an extra class for my members. Recently Dr. Dan Siegel joined us. He packed an enormous amount into the time we all spent together.… Read more... Suggestions for Working with Hostile Angry Couples We are now halfway through my blog series on Hostile Angry Couples. In the first blog I wrote about some challenges you face working with these couples. The second blog suggested goals for both you and the couple.
At the end of the second blog post, I promised to summarize some solutions to these challenges.… Read more... Building Effective Collaboration with a Highly Anxious Client A common scenario that many of us see in our practices is the over-functioning wife with the anxious-avoidant husband. He is a highly anxious procrastinator and is often not accountable for what he says he will do.… Read more... Developmental Change, Focus on the Initiator, Part 3
Therapist Errors: Not Recognizing Protective Passivity
This blog post continues to focus on the initiator. Last month we looked at recognizing a “non-Initiation.” Remember we are discussing couples who have done very little active differentiation.
An important subtle issue that occurs in many initiations is passivity. Passivity happens as a self-protection when partners fear the vulnerability of self-exposure. They may have difficulty articulating what they desire or they may not even know.… Read more... |
