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Therapists’ BlogWorking with Partners Who Aren’t Equally Committed to Their Relationship
In a recent blog post I outlined some of the ways I work with couples who are caught in patterns of externalization and blame in their relationships.
If you missed it, you can check it out here.
In that blog post I presented some ideas for pushing the growth edge in these partners. I ended with the question, “But what if you’re beginning to sense that one of the partners isn’t as invested in this process as the other?”
If you’ve been working with couples for any length of time, you’ve likely seen instances where one partner doesn’t seem as invested in the relationship as the other.
For example, let’s say that you’ve been working with a couple and given them an assignment to come up with a plan for spending more time together.… Read more... Intimacy Avoidance Comes with Externalization and Blame
In spring of 2018 I wrote a blog post about the cycle of externalization and blame. This dynamic is a familiar one for couples therapists because so many of the couples who come to see us organize their relationship issues around external symptoms or problems.
How many times have you heard complaints like these?
“He drinks too much.”
“She spends too much money.”
“He never makes time for me and the kids.”
“She treats her parents like royalty and me like dirt.”
For people in discomfort about their relationship, it’s much easier to deflect responsibility and attention from themselves and blame their partner than it is to self-reflect.… Read more... A Powerful Exercise to Promote the Work of Differentiation in Couples
The differentiation stage is, by far, the most difficult for many couples. Helping each partner set self-focused autonomous goals is crucial to their growth as individuals and to push the development of the couple.
In my last blog post, I gave you a glimpse into how I work with couples to tease apart individual goals when their issues are highly entangled and enmeshed. If you missed it, you can find it here.
But sometimes, you as the therapist will assess that a couple’s level of differentiation is so low that you’re going to have to start with them at a very basic, fundamental level.
When a couple operates with each other almost totally out of reactivity, it takes a fair amount of psychoeducation to help them recognize emotions and pay attention to what’s going on in their body.… Read more... A Dialogue for Individual Goal-Setting with Conflict-Avoidant Couples
When working with couples within The Developmental Model, it’s crucial to help partners set self-focused, individual goals to support the process of differentiation.
This presents more of a challenge with some couples than with others.
I’m thinking in particular about conflict-avoidant couples. These are couples who likely have developed well-established patterns of shying away from conflict. They may have little or no recognition of their differences.
A couple like this can merge and enmesh their issues very quickly and easily. It can be a challenge to tease out what might make a difference if each of them were to get focused on themselves.… Read more... The Couples Conference 2019
This year’s Couples Conference explored 5 major models of couples therapy. These included PACT, Gottman, EFT, Relational Life and the Developmental Model.
I had the honor of opening the conference, and I would like to share with you the poem I wrote to highlight five different approaches to couples therapy that have advanced our field. I was inspired by the poem, “The Blind Man and The Elephant,” by John Godfrey Saxe, which begins like this:
It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind.… Read more... Helping couples realize it takes two to manage long-standing pain
Anxiety, anger, and jealousy are emotions I see often in many of the couples I have worked with over the years, and I’m sure it’s no different in your practice. Untangling the roots of these feelings and helping couples adopt strategies to deal with them becomes a central challenge for you.
Recently my therapists’ online training group discussed a case where insecurity, jealousy, and conflict were quickly taking over a young couple’s relationship.
Partners Jane and Bob had a history of feeling rejected and unloved. Life had handed them interlocking scripts, but each partner dealt with these feelings in a unique way.… Read more... Working with The Brilliant Skeptic or Paranoid Adaptation
A while ago I was thinking about specific challenges that can come up in our work with couples – ones that may require us to go “off script” and take a more nuanced approach to therapy. In particular, I’ve been thinking about cases where at least one partner is entrenched in one personality adaptation.
So I wrote a blog post about the work of Paul Ware, MD, and Vann Joines, PhD, in defining six specific personality adaptations and the 3-door model that allows us to connect with clients according to their personality adaptation type.
With this awareness we want to start connecting with clients through their open door.… Read more... 6 Personality Adaptations and 3 Doors: a model for knowing where to connect with your clients
What can we do when partners show resistance to our interventions? This is a question that came up recently in my online training group, when a therapist presented a case with several thorny challenges. Her questions led me to remember a set of concepts I learned early in my career.
These ideas came originally from Dr. Paul Ware, the psychiatrist who first introduced me to Pete! So of course Dr. Ware’s concepts hold special meaning for me!
Later these ideas were explored in Personality Adaptations: A New Guide to Human Understanding in Psychotherapy and Counseling by Vann Joines and Ian Stewart.… Read more... How to prevent teen dating violence
by Dr. Alazne Aizpitarte
Psychologist & Family and Couple Therapist. Researcher in Teen Dating Violence.
When we hear of “intimate partner violence,” what suddenly comes to mind are beatings, bruises, or rapes. But it is not this type of severe physical or sexual behavior which characterizes the majority of cases of violence in teen couples, at least not from the very beginning of the relationship. These are mostly more subtle psychological behaviors, such as controlling the partner and isolation attempts from family and friends, followed by insults and humiliation.
Psychological violence as a precursor
It is completely understandable that the images that come to mind when listening to “intimate partner violence” are associated with cases as serious as a beating or even murder.… Read more... Conflict Avoidant
How do you create intensity and momentum with conflict-avoidant partners?
I find conflict-avoidant couples more challenging than hostile couples. Their energy is so low. How do you create intensity and momentum with conflict-avoidant partners?
… Read more... |
