Couples are often uncertain what to expect from the process of couples therapy. They are not sure of what to expect of the therapist or even if the therapist has any expectations of them. I have found most couples approach therapy with the notion that each person will describe their distress and somehow the therapist will assist them to create a happier, more functional, relationship. They expect to learn some new or better skills. However, most people hope their partner will do most of the learning in problem areas. After 30 years of clinical experience and specializing in working with thousands of couples, I have arrived at some guidelines that can make our work more effective. First, I do have some expectations of you. I am not neutral. I have evolved principles and concepts that I believe give us the greatest chance for success.
Managing EmotionsHow to Get the Most From Your Couples TherapyHas your spouse cheated on you?![]() Combat holiday stress with this brain hack![]() Stress-Free Valentine’s Day![]() A Surprising (and Magical) Perspective on Your Marriage![]() What’s That You Said? The Fears That Prevent Us From Speaking Up
How much do you value being seen and heard? Do you really want a truly successful relationship? How important is it to have impact on others? Let's look at speaking up!
Of course, for some people, that's easier said than done. You might prefer to sky dive without a parachute than tell another person what's really on your mind. But it is possible to develop an assertiveness connected to head and heart that clears the way for honest, empowered living-without being rude to others.
Those who stay mum when they would be better off speaking their mind do so for a variety of reasons:
Fear of being rejected. Any time you risk disclosing what you want and why it is important, you become vulnerable.… Read more...
More On Sticks and Stones
“Sticks and Stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” From personal and professional experience I know that's not true. And the scientific proof has just become quite dramatic.
I recently read in a professional journal that neuroscientists have discovered that the place in our brain that lights up when we are hit by sticks and stones, or when we step barefoot on broken glass is the same area that lights up when we are rejected.
Rejection comes in lots of varieties. It can include a refusal to grant a request, and it means to throw away or discard as unsatisfactory, to repudiate, renounce, rebuff or deny.… Read more...
A Successful Marriage is a Series of Unnatural Acts
I recently completed my 64th weekend workshop for couples. Once again I was impressed by a group of intrepid couples who were willing to leave their emotional comfort zone to create a more successful marriage for themselves.
One of the exercises of the workshop is brainstorming a list of effective communication behaviors and attitudes. Then I ask the group how many saw their families exercise these behaviors 50% or more of the time when things got tense. I never have had more than 15% of the couples raise their hands.
What this means is that under stress, effective communication is statistically exceptional.… Read more...
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