Communication

Clinical Transcript Reveals Symbiotic Yearnings and Hidden Barriers to Commitment

Therapists who train with me know that many couples who come to therapy are stuck in symbiotic patterns that impede the growth of each partner and also impede the tremendous growth potential that exists in any committed relationship. Today I want to share with you a transcript of a couple where the female partner’s symbiotic yearnings have been hidden. In past sessions, the male partner has been attentive to her requests. She has frequently danced away from what matters to him. This couple is trying to decide whether or not to get married. The reason they are stuck has been hidden. The female partner presents as the more mature grounded partner.… Read more...

This Book and Comedy Show Hit Close to Home

Today’s blog is meant to bring some smiles your way! It’s about a video and book that are guaranteed to make you laugh – and help your clients, too. It is a poignant look into a husband and wife’s journey when a new baby comes. The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad, by Mike Birbiglia takes you on an emotional ride. After all, when one spouse wants kids and the other doesn’t, what could possibly go wrong? Mike started with a strong skepticism of children. He said, “I’ve lost a lot of great friends to kids.” His book begins, “I live in Brooklyn with my wife, Jen, and our cat, Mazzy, and we have long decided that we are not going to have kids.”… Read more...

The Timed Tantrum

My wife Ellyn and I are hard at work looking for new and innovative ways to support your clients in these trying times. We’ve asked therapists in our online training group what’s working for them, we surveyed thousands of therapists about their ideas, and we’ve asked friends what has helped them stay sane at home in quarantine with their partner. Recently a great idea came to us from our daughter, Molly. Her #Quaranteam is herself and her partner, Jake. To deal with the mounting stress and anxiety they’ve come up with something they call the Timed Tantrum.  It was born in reaction to one of them just walking into the room and spilling their doom and gloom dread all over the other one, while the other sat there in stunned silence over how dark the thoughts were.… Read more...

Working with The Brilliant Skeptic or Paranoid Adaptation

A while ago I was thinking about specific challenges that can come up in our work with couples – ones that may require us to go “off script” and take a more nuanced approach to therapy. In particular, I’ve been thinking about cases where at least one partner is entrenched in one personality adaptation. So I wrote a blog post about the work of Paul Ware, MD, and Vann Joines, PhD, in defining six specific personality adaptations and the 3-door model that allows us to connect with clients according to their personality adaptation type. With this awareness we want to start connecting with clients through their open door.… Read more...