We’ve been discussing losing control and losing momentum. Today’s post is about losing direction. It might feel like the same kind of discomfort, but the reason is different. Perhaps you are in the middle of a session and unexpectedly you feel surprised, overwhelmed, or incompetent.

Losing direction happens when your intuition is no longer sufficient. Intuition doesn’t provide the roadmap to lead the couple out of the symbiosis they’ve created.

Flying by the seat of your pants serves you well many times. But if you are really honest with yourself, you know that some couples’ issues are so confusing, some partners are so dominating or some communication patterns are so intertwined, that it is easy to be perplexed about where to go.

You might start a session with an idea about what you want to accomplish and before long find yourself killing time by trying random interventions. You might keep describing the couple’s negative cycle, but feel unable to change it.

This is where the Developmental Model will serve you well. Couples unconsciously create intricate patterns of interaction  that inhibit the growth of each partner and the flourishing of the relationship. Without a deeper awareness of how anxiety inhibits growth, you won’t be able to take couples the whole distance.

The Developmental Model provides that roadmap. It tells you what to do, when to do it and why. It helps you untangle these very stuck patterns. And it gives your clients a way to decide how far they want to go  on their own journey.

When I conducted a survey of our readers, some of your colleagues said, “With clearer direction…”

1. “I’d be able to create more collaboration between the couple and me.”
2. “I wouldn't feel so frustrated or be hijacked so often.”
3. “I wouldn’t feel like I was in the wrong profession.”

The Developmental Model is a comprehensive approach to couples therapy that not only explains the developmental stages, but also describes the problems that typically arise at each stage and the capacities needed to move forward. Among other things, it offers normalizing language to help couples understand their problems and chart their course with you.

With this understanding and collaboration you can gain their permission to:

• Actively stop them when they repeat old patterns;
• Confront them when they wander;
• Encourage them to risk untangling their very debilitating symbiotic communication patterns;
• Establish individual goals.

Having their permission is essential. It gives you leverage to make strong confrontations and makes it so much easier to say, “Let’s regroup and get back on track.”

This article describes the stages in comfortable, reassuring language. You can use some of that same language with your couples or share the link with them.