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Losing Direction: Where Are You Going and What Are You Using For a Roadmap?
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We’ve been discussing losing control and losing momentum. Today’s post is about losing direction. It might feel like the same kind of discomfort, but the
Partners who desperately want intimacy often push it away. It’s easy to lose direction with them. They demand more openness from their partners but then deflect, attack or give double messages when their partners are more open. Let’s look at how you might work with a couple named Sue and Joe. Sue expresses ongoing frustration about Joe being shut down and distant. She desperately wants him to be more intimate with her. They come to see you after a particularly nasty fight. Joe reports how he risked telling Sue about his insecurity at work and his fear that he might be laid off. Joe: I feel anxious about work. Things aren’t too good with my boss. I am anxious about what might be coming. He goes on to talk more about feeling insecure and as he begins to be more open and to speak about his experience at work, Sue escalates quickly. Sue: Work is all you ever think about. When will you ever think of me? Joe: Why should I bother? You won’t listen to what’s troubling me. Sue: I’m sick and tired of your whining. Why can’t you pay attention to me instead of being so bloody focused on your work? Suddenly her needs are front and center. Her issue is more intense than his and she takes over and ignores what he just said. She doesn’t recognize that he is moving towards her emotionally and instead she moves to her past experience and is not present to what is happening now. You recognize the risk Joe took. You know he doesn’t easily talk about his insecurity. That’s the part he is struggling with – revealing himself when he fears not being enough for her. You know it is important to:
- Support his brief movement into initiating intimate dialogue.
- Resist the temptation to go faster than the couple can go.
- Confront her process and see if she can recognize how her anxiety gets in the way of her having the intimacy she desires.
- Help Joe come forward to express even more.
- Help Sue be quiet enough to hear him.
- Work more at illuminating the side of her that is keeping him away right now.
- Please comment by sharing ways that you have encouraged couples to overcome their tendency to distance themselves from the intimacy they desire.
- You can learn a lot more about intimacy anxiety in The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy training program. One of the hidden treasures of the program is the large collection of recorded calls. Registration will open in January and if you get on the waitlist you’ll be guaranteed a spot.
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Excellent discussion, came in the right moment
Excellent…I am right there with my clients. Wife sabotages husband’s tries to be open. Thank you for the HUGE tips.
Thanks. This came exactly 24 hrs before I enter into another session with this exact couple.
Thank goodness for this couple. They keep us in business! Thanks, Ellyn, as always.
Very clear and so helpful. It is almost like I was in the room with you, learning a masterful way to help this couple. I really appreciate all your examples.
Thanks Ellyn, as always I learn so much from your exquisite work. Your interventions here are both empathic and confrontative. Your language is so respectful; you illuminate and get them to own their intrapsychic conflicts while also resorting to some psychoeducation, i.e., tackling the issue of intimacy from a differentiation viewpoint.
In a recent session with a couple, the wife, wanting more closeness as her husband, who was a writer, would spend a lot of time alone focusing on his work, was feeling especially hopeless. They were celebrating his newly published book by having some intimate time together when, all of a sudden, the man said, “But why do you have you such a large head?” The woman, having a low body confidence, got instantly upset and the two had a big fight. While the man first claimed that he only wanted to tease her and that’s much ado about nothing, he then admitted that the intimacy at that moment had been too much for him, that he was scared to directly ask for some privacy. I had them reenact the scene to get him to directly ask for some separate time while helping her to inquire about his desire and contain her own frustration. Upon reading your case example, I realize that complementing this session with the parts language would be much more meaningful for their resisting parts would also be highlighted.
Thank you , Ellyn. It’s all about the process and I like how you explain it to the couple gently, making it safe for them to risk expressing feelings including fear.
Thanks so much Ellyn. I see this happening all too often in the couples I work with. Your insights will help me a lot in my work with them.
I have three couples who are all variations on this theme. One is a gay couple only two years into their relationship. One was unfaithful when stressed which led to uncovering childhood sexual abuse by a family acquaintance. His revelation led to increased bonding followed by controlling and OCD behaviours by the partner terrified of trusting the healing process. I have had to be lovingly present and confrontational with each at different moments. They are becoming more accountable and accepting of each other’s issues. Another couple, 9 years in are seeking to get pregnant and are dealing with emotional blackmail from a sister of the woman. That sister has a terminal illness and is draining her family financially and emotionally. The husband is at his wit’s end and has divorced financially but does all he can to stay in for his wife who increasingly escapes into work as a lawyer. My strategy is much like yours. The third are a pilot and successful marketing sales leader who are uncoupling but seeking to make sense of their attachment wounds in the relationship and prior to it. Your series with Clinton and Juliet and at the recent summit have helped and validated my approach. Thanks.
Very insightful role play – thank you!
Yes, I am thinking about the anxious pursuer as the one tends to want to TAKE and not able to ALLOW-from the wheel of consent.
It is the hardship to self-regulate that prevents them to enjoy the intimacy and connection in its most natural forms. The need to control when, how, how much… of it at all times. I think naming how exhausting and frustrating this part(s) of them bring to them and how ineffective (push partner away and not get what they want-connection). When the time is right, doing some part work to unburden the vulnerable hurt child part and the ineffective protectors.
Spot on. Thank you for this insight. Last week, I shared with a couple a saying that speaks to this, “Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.” I first heard this around 1995, though it appears in Anna Todd’s book After (2014). I’m doing attachment theory work with this couple, and while we are uncovering some ‘A-ha’ moments, I’m feeling a bit stuck. Both seem locked and waiting for the other to give in. I continue to contribute to the safe space, that vulnerability is at minimum ok for that hour. It’s painstaking and extremely slow work with couples. It’s easy to become discouraged. Patience is key and truly testing me! Thanks, again! I need all the help I can get!
Excellent article!
Thanks. Just what I needed to hear, after I fell into this trap this week with one of my couples.