Do you remember the game “Twenty Questions?” You could ask twenty questions to identify what thing the other person was thinking about.
Here’s a variation on that, for your next dinner date or when you have some spare time. Using the questions below, you can find out a little more about your partner and vice versa. These questions will help you go a little deeper than discussing work, kids, vacations, or sports.
Interestingly these are the kinds of questions couples often ask each other in the early stage of a relationship. But as time hurtles forward, these great questions get neglected and then abandoned.
For an interesting and stimulating conversation, try these questions to discover or rediscover who your partner is.
The one quality to keep in mind for the questions below is to treat the responses with respect. Try not to argue or negatively judge any of the responses. Be like a compassionate reporter who is writing an interesting story.
Here is what you can ask your partner (or that your partner can ask you) – you can even test how you each think the other would answer the question first:
1. If you could change only one thing in your life, what would that be and why?
2. In a regular day, what do you find yourself thinking about the most?
3. If you could write a song about your life, what type of music would you use?
4. What things in your life bring you the greatest pleasure?
5. What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment in your life? Did other people help to make that happen?
6. In what settings are you the happiest / eager / most comfortable?
7. What things do you look forward to each day? In your life?
8. If you had three wishes that would come true, what would they be?
9. What other things would you want to change now, and why?
10. What major regret do you have so far in your life? Is it too late to change it?
11. What would be my ideal romantic date?
12. Is there a belief or attitude that seems to interfere with creating or pursuing a big dream?
13. What are a couple of things that you appreciate about our relationship and why do these things seem significant?
14. In what situations do you feel most afraid or insecure?
15. What would you like to do outdoors that you have not done before? Are there any extreme sports that you’d like to try?
16. What country would you like to visit that you haven’t visited yet?
17. What family member did you most admire when you were a child?
18. What activities did your mother/father do that you most wish he’d taught you?
19. What do you most wish you’d learned from your mother/father?
20. Name 3 things that most excite your imagination when you imagine doing them?
21. What question about our money or future spending do you find hard to ask?
22. What are your favorite things to spend money on?
23. Who are you most envious of?
For the brave ones of you, enter your name and email address here to see 10 more questions that get a little more personal, and to find a printable version of all the questions:
24. What do you want to initiate in the bedroom that you’ve never risked?
25. What would you most like me to initiate?
26. Will you share a favorite sexual fantasy?
27. What celebrity or athlete would you most like to go on a date with?
28. Where do you most like me to touch you?
29. How do you like to be kissed?
30. Do you like to talk or be quiet when we are making love?
31. Where is your favorite place to have sex?
32. Do you like to talk dirty?
33. Whose body do you most envy?
Here is your printable version.
I think it is hard to love someone or something if you don’t have some emotional understanding or feel for it. You also can’t love something you didn’t know existed.
I hope you find this voyage of discovery satisfying.
Keep stretching and growing,
(Note, you can opt in above for a printable version of these, bookmark this page on your computer or smartphone, or even email these to yourself here.)
P.S. Do you have a question to add to the list? Please note it in the comment section below.
About Peter Pearson
Peter Pearson, Ph.D. and his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, founded The Couples Institute in 1984. Both are psychologists and directors of the Institute and have helped over a thousand couples in their work.
Pete is an engaging and dynamic therapist, speaker and writer. His work includes practical skills, advanced techniques in regulating difficult emotions and entertaining vignettes from his own marriage to demonstrate how some impasses are managed.
He has been featured in over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News," and quoted in publications including "The New York Times," "Oprah Magazine" and "Cosmopolitan." His popular book, "Tell Me No Lies," has been of critical help to many couples.
Tags: 20 questions, change, communication, connecting with my partner, couples 123 tag questions, getting to know partner, love, marriage counseling, marriage therapy, questions, relationship, relationship counseling, relationship therapy, Twenty Questions Forward to a Friend