“Compassion is a lifetime business. You can't say something like, ‘I will have compassion on Monday, Thursdays and Fridays only. But for the rest, I will be cruel’. That is hypocrisy.”  – Israelmore Ayivor

Today we’re examining a session with a volatile couple that quickly escalate and change topics. They don’t listen well to each other. They have a long history of accusing each other and wanting the other partner to be accountable for behavior while they themselves yell, criticize, demean and take pot shots. They are often spiteful and nasty. They want to work it out, but are pessimistic.

The husband starts this session wanting to discuss issues about his upcoming retirement. We begin with him as an Initiator and his wife as an Inquirer. She asks two questions about when he wants to retire and what he wants to do in retirement and then she shifts to her concerns.

Wife: Are we going to make it as a couple? It’s stupid to talk about retirement when no one knows if we can really make it that far.  (This statement is what I call a massive wipeout. In one simple sentence, she has wiped out the significance of his concerns and justified elevating her own concerns to prominence.)

Husband: If we are going to stay together, I want to talk about the future and where we will live and how I will be spending my time.

She continues asking more questions based in her fears about her future.

Therapist to Wife: I’m about to ask a pointed question that won’t sound very good to one part of you, but I hope another part of you will respond open-mindedly. Are you aware how quickly you changed the subject to your own concerns?

Wife: Yes, very aware.

Therapist to Wife: Great. Now one more pointed question. Are you aware of how quickly you brushed aside your husband’s concerns?

Wife: Yes, kind of.

Therapist: I am confused. You complain so often about Jack not listening to you. You say he is callous and insensitive. Now, he brings up something very meaningful to him and you derail it to focus on your concerns.

(Long tense silence)

Wife: Well actually I’m probably as callous as he is.

Therapist: I appreciate you acknowledging that you can also be as callous as you perceive him to be. And you can see in yourself the very things you accuse him of being.

Wife: It’s crazy that we can’t talk. This isn’t any fun. (Possibly an attempt to derail me.)

Therapist: To be a team takes effort.  Sometimes it means not indulging our impulses. It can take a lot of self-discipline.

Wife: I am disciplined in some areas – otherwise our house would be a mess.

Therapist: It’s true that you are organized and disciplined in many, many areas, like your house.  (I stroke her to lower her defensiveness and I avoid saying, “yes but,” which would lead us into an unproductive confrontation. I continue, however, to see if I can increase her accountability.)

I am talking about the self-discipline it takes to avoid blaming, name- calling, criticizing or even withdrawing. It takes remembering why you’d want to go to your higher self. It takes asking yourself, “How do I aspire to be right now in the middle of this argument or in the middle of this discussion?” no matter how Jack is being. (I use education to reinforce my confrontation while giving her direction about what she can do to be successful.)

Wife: That is hard.

Therapist: Yes it is hard to resist the impulse to defend and to cross complain or change the topic.  It is very hard. Yet accomplishing it would mean you’d be in integrity with yourself.

Wife: What do you mean?

Therapist: Right now you say you want Jack to be accountable for how he treats you. Yet, you allow yourself to treat him in the same ways you hate being treated. How do you make sense out of that? (Here I move from education to intensify the confrontation and create some discomfort in her.)

Wife: When you put it like that, I can’t really make sense of it or defend it.

What would you do with this moment of truth? Do you challenge her more? Do you stroke her openness? Do you intensify the focus on her hypocrisy even further?

What are some of the ways you can tell if your confrontation is working?

Please share your thoughts on the blog. I will read them and give a possible next intervention as well.

Thank you again for your interest in this series on hypocrisy and your commitment to couples therapy.

For more information on my online training program, where we cover these kinds of challenges and many more, visit Developmental Model of Couples Therapy: Integrating Attachment, Differentiation and Neuroscience.