Peter Pearson

dancing couple

I don’t know if you’re keeping up with the latest season of “Dancing With The Stars” but there is some real energy and personality there. Just like in many other arenas, Ellyn and I are on different pages about who we think should win. Regardless of who wins, here's an idea that's relevant for couples: improve yourself first.

I’m a real big fan of partners Jack Osbourne and his tried-and-true DWTS pro partner Cheryl Burke. Ellyn seems to be pulling for Leah Remini, who’s braving her personal insecurity, and her pro partner Tony Dovolani. But then Ellyn also loves the authenticity and natural openness that Bill Engvall and pro partner Emma Slater bring to the stage (I guess Ellyn hasn’t taken a clear stand yet…).

As a partner in a relationship, every one of us is involved in a dance. And when we’re on different pages from each other, we might strongly feel the need to ‘coach’ our partner on how to be, what to think, or how to improve themselves.

I learned a lot from a discussion I had with a two-time world champion ballroom dancer who has also mentored other dancers to become world champions. This man truly knows dancing and coaching. He told me the way to help your partner to become a better dancer is to become a better dancer yourself.

“Wait a minute – hold on here,” I said. “That rule can’t possibly apply to you. You enter Pro-am dance contests where by definition you are more skilled than your amateur partners. Surely it's OK to tell your partners what they’re doing wrong and what they should do better. You are the proven, credentialed expert. They are rank amateurs. You have earned the right to tell them how to improve.”

His serious response was, “Not really. The best way to help them improve is by improving myself.”

Stunned, I said, “I totally believe that principle is true for marriages. The best way to improve your marriage is to improve yourself, especially in how you manage and react to stressful disagreements. But I thought dancing would be completely different.” Again he affirmed his belief.

So I asked why he couldn't simply coach a less skilled partner.

He answered, “Dancing is a very interdependent endeavor. You must depend on each other to bring out the best. You cannot depend on someone while teaching them at the same time. If you try teaching them you lose a vital spark in your ability to flow together. The best way to improve my partner is to concentrate on getting better myself.”

I savored what he told me and knew it applied to couples’ relationships for sure.

But it forced me to look yet again at something I struggle to accept. When Ellyn and I get into a vital disagreement, I am convinced that I know the correct perspective and the real solution. If only I could make her “a better dancer,” all would be right in my world.

Check out our one-hour audio session called “Soothing Moments: Rapid Relationship Repair.”

I want to remember in that moment that intimate relationships are, like dancing, “a very interdependent endeavor…the best way to improve my partner is to concentrate on getting better myself.”

It is a lesson that needs to be learned over and over again. The lesson is simple for me: keep practicing the principles that I teach other couples.

Do you find this to be true in your relationship? What do you want to focus on improving? Or would you like to comment on your DWTS picks? Please comment below.

About 

Peter Pearson, Ph.D., Relationship & Teamwork Expert for Entrepreneur Couples

Pete has been training and coaching couples to become a strong team since 1984 when he co-founded The Couples Institute with his psychologist wife, Ellyn Bader.

Their popular book, “Tell Me No Lies,” is about being honest with compassion and growing stronger as a couple.

Pete has been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including “The Today Show,” "Good Morning America,” and "CBS Early Morning News,” and quoted in major publications including “The New York Times,” “Oprah Magazine,” “Redbook,” “Cosmopolitan,” and “Business Insider.”


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  1. Hi Pete & Ellyn,

    Would it be Ok if I re-posted this on my blog as a way of promoting you? Naturally you’d get all the credits 🙂 In case you’re not aware Pete, I’m in Ellyn’s advanced online class.
    Cheers, Vivian Baruch.

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