A very distressed, acrimonious couple comes to see you for couples therapy. They’ve done significant damage to each other over the years. It seems they will fight about anything and you feel like you are getting nowhere. All your best efforts are thwarted. You say to them, “I’m sorry to give you some bad news. You are faced with two ugly choices. This is probably not what you want to hear. Yet, it is your current reality.”
“Choice number one. You can keep repeating the same destructive, draining, self-protective behaviors and suffer more of the same miserable consequences. Choice number two. You can do the difficult work of breaking these patterns by learning to resist the impulse to interrupt, blame, or disengage and withdraw into your cocoon. You can make the effort to become a skilled listener. You can actively learn what you do that makes it so difficult for your partner to be more giving to you. And you can learn to represent yourselves well without assaulting one another. Or more simply – choice #2 consists of meeting the challenge of changing your focus from defensiveness to collaboration. I sit here wondering which choice you will make.” Transformational leaders are able to:What do you think of this disarming confrontation with bitter, fighting couples? Do you like it? Hate it? Can you imagine using it? Or, are you thinking, ‘I’d never use it and here’s why…?’ Let me know in the comments section below.
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