I’ve been highlighting ways I’ve used Initiator-Inquirer when working with couples who have experienced infidelity. Recently I shared a role play with a couple we called Logan and Marta. I demonstrated how I might work with Marta, who had been cheated on in the Initiator role. You can find that exchange right here.
Now today, I’m going to shift to the part of the role play demonstrating how I might work with the other partner, Logan, in his role as the Inquirer. I began by feeding him a question:
Ellyn:See, my guess is that you're starting to feel a little bit anxious since I'm holding up that mirror. And maybe it would feel a lot easier to talk about what’s going on between the two of you rather than face more difficult feelings.
I know what I'm bringing up is a challenge. So maybe you could just say back to her, “I hear what you're saying, and Ellyn is right, this is scary for me.”
Ellyn:But you know what? He's not ready, he hasn't been ready for that. You may have a fantasy about what your relationship is going to be like, and how you want him to be. But who he really is, is not that fantasy.
You see, he comes to your relationship with his own issues, just like you do. And I don't know enough about his history yet, but I do know that some part of him learned early on to protect himself by not being direct with women. And I don't know if that's his mom. I don't know where that comes from, but I know that it's been scary for him to be direct with you. And unless we can create the space in this room to find out what that's about, and why it's scary, and until you learn how to hear things that are hard for him to say, you guys will keep repeating the same pattern.
When I’m working with a couple like this, and when it's hard to get through and one person just wants to put it all on the other person, I’m always looking for ways to help them understand that I get it, and I’m on their side. I’m always trying to communicate that, to be effective in a relationship you have to be able to listen, and you have to get to the place where you can be open, or the relationship will never progress.
Our “I to I” guide cards provide coaching and reminders for couples learning and practicing the Initiator-Inquirer communication process. The cards come in packs of 25 so that you can give them away as you teach your couples this powerful process.
For more information or to order them click “I to I” Guide Cards.
I’m interested in your reactions. Do you have questions or comments? Please share them below.
About Ellyn Bader
Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., is Co-Founder & Director of The Couples Institute and creator of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Ellyn is widely recognized as an expert in couples therapy, and since 2006 she has led innovative online training programs for therapists. Professionals from around the world connect with her through internet, conference calls and blog discussions to study couples therapy.
Ellyn’s first book, "In Quest of the Mythical Mate," won the Clark Vincent Award by the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists for its outstanding contribution to the field of marital therapy and is now in its 18th printing. She has been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News," and she has been quoted in many publications including "The New York Times," "The Oprah Magazine" and "Cosmopolitan."
Tags: infidelity, initiator-inquirer process, role-play, transcript Forward to a Colleague
Wow! I found that so helpful. I can understand where staying with Logan and his reticence to go to difficult places is important, and how here you intimated that next week, you expected him to address it; but, how you worked with Marta was incredibly artful. I really need to sit with that, let that seep in to my therapist mind. Thank you!
Marvelous exchange with Marta after her “coddling” interjection. Great that she got riled up enough to say that out loud. Great that Ellyn’s gentle-but-tough confrontation (“But you know what?”) helped Marta to tolerate hearing where their work would have to go.