Translating Internal Conflicts as an Emotional Bridge

Before sharing the final part of this transcript from a session on shifting relationship impasses, I want to answer the questions I asked you last month.

What are some of the wife’s struggles?  
As I listened to the wife, I was aware that she drives herself very hard. She has a lot of expectations of perfection. She must do all her tasks well. It is rare she feels any break from multiple responsibilities and from being parental at home. Performance dominates her life.

How is the husband doing with my assists?
Her husband is struggling in this dialogue. It is extremely difficult for him to recognize that she has her own struggles separate from him. He puts himself in the center and assumes any personal space she takes is a rejection of him. His reactivity results in more withdrawal from her. This pattern has been going on for a long time.

Has he progressed or is he still responding mainly from anxiety?
He responds mainly from anxiety. My question, “Are you learning anything about your wife?” allowed him to step back slightly. His first step in de-personalizing is very concrete. He recognizes that she has a lot of chores. This is a small inroad into depersonalization. It is very small but it is a beginning. I am curious whether I can assist him to go farther before the session ends.

Here is how the end of the session evolved:

Ellyn: Will you tell her what you understand about her reaction to having so many chores?

Husband: You think a lot about all you have to do.

Ellyn: (to husband) I think it is much more than that.

Ellyn:(to wife) I think you drive yourself and try to do so much so you will feel valuable. Am I right?

Wife: I never thought of it like that, but now that you say it, it makes so much sense. I had three sisters and I had to work really hard to stand out. And I like to do my jobs well.

Ellyn: When you are around any authority figure, you are always measuring yourself. Are you good enough? Do you measure up?

Ellyn: (to husband) I think she believes you evaluate her as much as she evaluates herself.

Husband: Really?

Wife: You usually have a right way and a wrong way. I don’t have the right food in the house. I am late getting dinner on the table.

Husband: It’s not my fault. Are you blaming me?

Ellyn: Let’s not go down the blame path. You have an opportunity here to learn something mighty important about your wife. Can you see that she hears you the same way she hears the demands in her head?

Husband: Is that right?

Wife: I have so many lists that I don’t know if they come from you or from me.

Ellyn: (to wife) When you are running around trying to finish one of your long lists, what do you wish your husband would say or do?

Wife: Just let me go away without feeling rejected.

Ellyn: I wonder if you’d try saying this to him? Dear, I’d like to feel okay letting down. I’d like to be okay without performing.

Wife: (starts to cry) Yes, I’d like to believe it’s okay to take time for me, with friends without being afraid of your anger.

Ellyn: (to husband) She can’t say it yet, but she wants to know you love her, just her, not her chores, not her work around the house, not her doing things for you. That you love her and can tell her you love her.

Husband: Is that really, really right?

Ellyn: Her feelings about herself have been so based in performance that she withdraws from you when she is afraid she isn’t measuring up to your expectations. Then, you feel rejected by her withdrawal and act angry with her. Can you begin to see what a difference it would make if you viewed her requests for time with friends or alone time differently? What a stepping stone it could be if you recognized what a rich gift you have to give her.

As the session ended, do you think the husband had moved in his ability to view his wife as separate person? Do you see any likelihood that the husband is beginning to depersonalize his anxious response to his wife’s need for free time? What are they?

If he succeeds in not putting himself at the center of her struggles, what options will that open for him and for them?

Please share your ideas below. I look forward to reading your comments and hope they lead to a lively discussion. I also always welcome comments about your reaction to this form of learning.

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