Asking your mate to empty the dishwasher should theoretically be totally devoid of drama or tension. It's just one of many chores necessary to keep your home functioning–right?
However, with a passive aggressive personality, any situation has the potential to go from the trivial to emotional combat.
It started with the simple question from my wife, Ellyn, “Pete did you empty the dishwasher?”
I didn't respond but begrudgingly left the History Channel and headed for the kitchen, knowing I had agreed to do it before now.
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I hadn't put more than three coffee cups into the cupboard when Ellyn informed me I wasn't unloading the dishwasher properly.
“Oh, really just what do you suggest?” said I, packing 100 pounds of sarcasm into that question without a shred of genuine curiosity.
Ellyn – seemingly stunningly oblivious – responded as though I had some interest in learning a better way. “Empty the bottom rack first so dishes don't get dripped on when you empty the top rack.”
I fired the second salvo of sarcasm when thanking her for the lessons on dishwasher liberation.
Many times Ellyn has gotten mad at me for not following through with an agreement. This was the real problem for Ellyn and the dishwasher. After I'd blown numerous promises, she would understandably get tense in her voice and face while expressing her frustration.
OK, so far this is pretty normal stuff for most marriages. But I could take it to new heights. I would criticize Ellyn for the way she got mad at me. I'd change the topic. The problem became her unreasonable way of expressing disappointment instead of my broken agreement.
Doing this tricky psychological maneuver took absolutely no effort, thinking or planning on my part. Just pure instinct. The implication was that if she would just change the way she expressed her frustration the problem would be solved. Better yet, if she just had more patience, I would eventually get around to getting it done.
Poor Ellyn, she was doomed if she got angry and doomed if she said nothing. Welcome to the crazy world of the passive aggressive partner.
Although I wasn't a full fledged, card carrying passive aggressive personality, I had the qualifications to be an honorary member of the club.
Want more help? Check out our audio workshop on passive aggressive partners.
Here's a big secret about this problem. Passive aggressive behavior is a very difficult challenge for couples. The passive aggressive person is a pain to live with and very hard to change.
Here's why. Passive-aggressive people are typically hypersensitive to actual or perceived criticism. Especially when they don't follow through with promises. Here's the kicker. They have great gobs of good reasons for not following through with crucial agreements.
For example, I could blame my failure to complete agreements on ADD. Or I might say that I suffer from a condition of temporary and intermittent cognitive slippage (which is only a devious description of being lazy and forgetful).
This is a problem that affects both partners, but in different ways. The passive aggressive person generally feels they are under assault and no matter what they do, they cannot please their partner. “Jeez, I can't even empty the dishwasher right!”
The other partner believes they cannot depend on the passive aggressive mate to reliably follow through. Even if I am 80% reliable, as I would sometimes point out to Ellyn, she has no idea what the 80% will be or when it will be completed. This screws up the logistical part of being an effective team which supports being an effective couple.
So what causes this aggravating problem that painfully affects both partners in different ways? Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common:
1. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance.
2. A lot of painful disappointments in life. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Minimizing desires is a subconscious attempt to avoid getting hopes up and then dashed which triggers a warehouse of painful disappointments stored in the emotional brain.
It becomes much easier for passive aggressive people to say what they don't want than what they do want.
It's like running life's race with your shoelaces tied. But the frustration of living a life of pinched desires leaks out in being “obstructionistic” – to their spouse, therapist, boss, and anyone else that might have a say, or at least a suggestion, about what they should do.
“I don't like anyone telling me what to do, including myself,” said Bill, who has a passive aggressive personality. This is not an easy mind-set for a spouse to live with.
All in all nobody is happy.
Passive aggressive behavior can show up in other subtle ways. Hard core passive aggressive people rarely initiate doing leisure joint activities, buying things, going places, celebrating special occasions, planning surprises, or giving compliments, and they often have a hard time buying gifts.
So what can you do? This is a complex question with no easy answer. The solutions to this problem are extremely hard to summarize with the clarity and brevity required for a newsletter column. Next month I'll describe why passive aggressive behavior is a systemic problem and what both partners need to do. In the meantime, it should be some small comfort to understand some of the challenges and to recognize what you're dealing with.
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Nicely done enriches my mind with more ability to deal with all the day to day dificulty i face
Thank you for this article. I have been having problems with my spouse over similar things mentioned in your writing (tiny things that start a full blown fight, leaving both of us hurting, angry, and one of us sleeping on the couch). I felt my spouse had a more passive personality than I did and that was causing a lot of the tension. I tried looking through books, websites, and articles for advice. I hoped that I could bring some of the terms and explanations to his attention so that we could hash things out easier, but most of the things I find about passivity or passive aggression sounds too extreme. They talk about how our partner secretly delights in the stress they cause, how they will take out credit cards in our name, run up the balance and leave us with the bill; things that to the average person (with a SLIGHT passive tendency) sound ridiculous. You gave me something to work with that is a normal everyday application, something that sounds non-threatening. And for that I thank you.
I do know taking a credit card in anybody’s name without consent is criminal and can be tracked. This is the age of Big brother. So any fool dumb enough to do something so stupid to mar their future instead of getting a job even part-time is a real jackhole.
Wrap my strong legs around him neck and squeez
They do delight in the stress they cause. That’s why its relentless.
Fire with fire.
I’ve got on that is Narcissistic on top of that it’s a living nightmare
I agree. A passive, aggressive, narcissist, uses others to carry out their dirty work. Mine? He hacked the TV to make me think I was crazy. Then said, im not so stupid after all. Its possible. Look it up. Im seperated and will divorce him. The smirks and laughs when I would ask him something.
My partner is just like this. I have actual goosebumps after suffering for 3 years. She does enjoy getting under my skin. It shows in a lot of what she does, but most clearly in the way that she pokes and tickles me every single day, usually when I’m resting or resting.
Maybe actually helping her instead of being a lazy and unreliable partner will be the solution. Living with a partner that has no initiative, do task half way and put the minimal effort is the actual nightmare. These people do anything to not work hard and leave all responsibilities to women! Why men think is ok to not clean anything or help with their children. We live in a world of children abandoned and absent fathers! This is a hell for humanity and unfair to women and children!
If your maintained you should shhhhh the hell up .
Omg agreed. Turns your life into shambles.
That to me is So f—ing. Foreign for my own behavior but what I have suspected for years in my spouse. His critical mum was the same way. Life is way too short to play mind games and yet here we are! I am direct, probably to a fault. I much prefer to hear reality and then we can deal with it. My spouse has Actually said he does Not say his own truth, just what people want to hear. How manipulative is that? !! Also shows the planning involved. Help! I am so glad to find this site. Thank you!
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
He’s been ridiculed for his own truth, not manipulative. People often ask questions that they won’t like the answer to.
I am the “crazy” one because I am a woman who stands up, speaks out, you know where you stand with me. I am a mother of 3 adult daughters and a grandma of 2 granddaughters. I’m 47 yo. Just to be clear I’m proud of who I am, my dad raised me to be just as Smart if not “Schmarter” then the “Boys” I can talk cars, racing, HOCKEY!! I also love mani/pedi’s and paying for my own drinks. I didn’t have to and hated when drinks “showed” up at the table. Great…what’s the expectation. Omg he bought me a drink so now he thinks he can sit at my table. WRONG…I just read what I wrote and laughed. I sound like a bitter single or divorced woman. I have been with my husband since we were 15. So 32 years. It would make both our lives so much easier if I was a dumb or stupid “Girl” unfortunately my egotistical, macho, “crazy” dad decided his daughter (me) should be just as strong if not stronger then the boys!!! Great, how’s that working out, you ask? Not well!!! My adult male cousins are to weak to have a conversation with me. So they try to put me down, demean me, joke about me being just a “Girl” So Sad, However their dad, my “Uncle” is the weakest man I’ve ever been around. Why is it up to me (a STRONG Woman) to dumb it down in order for the fragile male ego to survive. My husband used to be proud and would tell anyone who’d listen how strong, smart and beautiful his wife was. Now he is argumentative, picks verbal fights. Tries to act like I don’t know what I’m talking about. He asked…I answered. If I’m not 99% sure I’m right, I’ll say I’m 99% sure but I could be wrong. He knows I don’t throw down unless I am 100% sure I have all the facts. Now…when I am right, he will fight to the death knowing I know what i know. I can now see how fragile he is. So to my point if I was “DUMB” life would be much easier. For him 💜💜
Oh sweet Jesus. You just described me to the T!! OMG! I’m 37, have 3 boys (19,15,8) and I’m doing it single (their dads are involved and help out) My BF of 3 years (off and on) is exactly like this. I am a little bit of an anxious person (ok , maybe a lot) and he is more laid back and kinda passive. I’m the type of person that speaks up about something right then I don’t bring it up days later. I’ve been told I’m very blunt and I’m kind of like to the point. So whenever I bring something up, he deflect and tries to make it my fault or he blocks me ignores me gaslight me whatever. And I’ve told him several several times that he just needs to be with a girl that sits there and just nod and agrees with him because that’s clearly what he wants is that is a robot essentially. I’m not stupid. I’m not dumb. I see I see through the bullshit and I’m a strong, independent woman and I think that’s intimidating to a lot of men.
It doesn’t get better. Run
I totally feel you. You should be proud and thankful you were raised strong. I am strong minded, opinionated and not “crazy” (they love to use that one to shut us up). My husband was the same. So proud to be married to a badass feminist. Now when he doesn’t get his way or Indisagree with him about something, I “hate men.” Hebisnsonoassife aggressive our marriage with sneaky after 16 years and he has flat out stated he won’t do therapy. I can’t fix this marriage alone. And he also will constantly say I threaten to leave when we fight so I have to assure him constantly I’m not abandoning him. After 16 years! His mother was extremely abusive and I pay the price. I’ve done therapy myself numerous times over the years and fix what I can and try to control what I can’t. It still not good enough. I do therapy speak. I feel… he just flat out says “you always” “you never” and I can’t even call him out on it without a fight. I’m exhausted.
You go girl!! I’m in the exact same position. I was raised to be self-reliant, smart, educated, I have lots of ideas and opinions. I am a strong woman. I take care of the entire house and I also do all the yard work , because my husband chooses not to. I’ve got a husband who smokes too much weed, thinks he works hard, but that would be between his napping on the couch and when he’s not doing that he’s leaving mess is all over. He never listens to anything I have to say even though he knows I know what I’m talking about. He will start terrible arguments over the stupidest things, usually because I’m asking him to do something. Because of his narcissistic passive aggressive behavior, he considers it an order and God forbid anyone told him what to do! He will cuss and call me every name in the book. I just shake my head and laugh at him. of course I know he’s verbally abusive but I also live in California, have a nice house and I’m not giving it up ! He’s just a disrespectful, weak scared little boy. Being a strong woman, I focus on making myself happy, I will do the things I enjoy in life, I will live life to the fullest, and I will not waste a moment of it on a pathetic, disrespectful man child.
Unfortunately your still taking his abuse with the nice home and with ignorning his behavior if you can ignore it more power to you but I have one who’s the exact same and I won’t any longer tolerate a pos man who calls me names who’s a bully who doesn’t listen and proviises notbing if I have to die to get relief from this I will. Every holiday and bday of mine or anyone else’s right down to Mother’s Day is always ruined by some mind fuck accusations has and he’s the only cheater I know not me!!! Never been in 54 years . I’m done
It is like you are describing my life. I am currently pregnant after suffering two miscarriages (one ectopic) and also help my father who has cancer taking him to all his appts and chemo treatments. So my plate is already full emotion wise. I also take care of all the chores in the house including laundry, yard work, cooking dinner most nights, mowing and weed whacking as well as creating and maintaining all the landscaping. I am proud of the home we have built together, and I want to maintain that. Most days I routinely complete my chores and don’t bat and eye. We have bought a fixer upper to which he has done all the renovations, which I helped with every step of the way. However since he feels he has done the renovations he feels like he has done enough apparently. I ask him to help me sometimes to empty to dishwasher if he has an extra minute or to atleast rotate laundry to keep the house chores moving along smoothly. Simple tasks to also help me as I also have a full time job.. which he does too. But he comes home and does nothing except work on his hobbies. Even though I’ve asked him already three times to please complete a task. I don’t want to be the “nagging house wife” so sometimes I’m afraid to ask and just bite my tongue and forget about it. But sometimes I voice my frustration and say I wish I had time to to read a book or to draw (my favorite hobbies) to which he becomes very passive aggressive saying things like we’re in the long haul together and hope this isn’t the way it’s gonna be or he’ll be ‘miserable’ – his words exactly, or “you’re so mean, you need to relax we don’t live in a museum”. He will also include that I’m lucky to have him and most husbands don’t have his skill of carpentry which I’m sure is true he’s very talented. But he uses that as a weapon against me. I try to stay positive and beat to my own drum but it’s hard sometimes to keep up a good morale. I’m glad I’m not alone and found this today. He’s aggressively mowing the lawn currently, and stonewalling me from a more recent argument. I asked him to please not smoke weed in the house as it is triggering my nausea/morning sickness, but he thinks if he opens a window that it’s ok. That shit stinks when you have a super pregnant nose and it just wafts through the whole house anyway. I told him at least he can get high the least he can do is move his ass 10 steps outside. Stay strong to who ever else is going through this annoying behavior to say the least. Girl power!!
Your cup runneth over onto the saucer, but it doesn’t have to spill out of the saucer. Your first priority is the life you’re carrying on the inside of your body. The emotions you have the baby has them also! Take your focus off your husband and redirect them towards the life you’re carrying. Personally I don’t know how you are mentally, physically and emotionally able to handle such a load!!! Pay a lawn crew to do the yard work. Schedule nights to go out to eat or order in. That second hand weed smoke is not good for the baby. If you ever began to ignore HIM and HIS behavior, HE won’t change, but HE will start to ask you: “well, what’s wrong with you”? Your answer: nothing is wrong, I’m @ peace. Get out of your house. Sit outside, walk around the block. When you’re @ therapy with your dad, troll through social media. There’s a lot of humorous things the world is doing. Read all materials. Do puzzles. Do math equations. With your intellect and your husband’s your baby will be very bright. With all that you have to do, give that energy to your baby.
Oh my gosh, it sounds like our men are twins!! I can’t stand it when mine smokes weed after I’ve spent the day cleaning the house, mopping and spraying my favorite room freshener, in he walks smelling like a freaking ashtray! These type of men also will turn any tiny menial thing into an argument, and then turn it around on you, so you’re now the bad person. I don’t even play into that bs anymore I’ll just walk away, if they don’t have any fuel for the fire it deflates them and can make them think about their childish, disrespectful, immature behavior. Plus you just don’t have to listen to their shit ! I’m older now with two grown kids so it’s way easier. I do a lot of things on my own with friends, I’m very active, I hike and bike, take a walk on the beach… but when I was younger as you are with young kids, it was hell!!. As I’ve gotten older I am thankful for the life we have built and the things I have BUT their behavior takes a toll on you. I no longer have any respect for him or love, I pity him for the way he must feel inside to be so nasty and aggressive, he’s also not healthy or active. It can’t feel good to have lived your life that way. Hang in there it’s gonna be tough at times but try to be strong but remember if it’s not worth it and if you have the means get rid of him! they don’t change or get better with age! Make yourself happy that’s all that counts for the short time we have on this earth, enjoy it .
I have been dealing with my spouses behavior for 12 years it was up until I was looking for sites on signs the marriage was over I ran across passive aggressive behavior, that I see exactly who my husband is. I thought he was just purely evil and didn’t love me anymore. Now that I havr a better insight on his mind and tactics, I now after 12 years understand how to deal with him and open his eyes to how he has been abusive. He is a little calmer and surprised that I found him out. I’m not going to let my guard down, because I know as they say they are very difficult to change if never. Thanks for your research and help.
I know the answer but it may help. Get to the point and become a little like him and don’t care as much and you will find out he will care more and become a little more like you. I have the exact situation and it has worked for me.
Angie, thank you for sharing a success tip. We all need those. I don’t want to get divorced but I also don’t enjoy being made out as the “bad guy” to my kids or to have to “walk on eggs” to avert their delicate feelings. What about our feelings? Yes, we Do Count. If we take more care of us and Our feelings, we will all be better off regardless of the PA ( or (RPA: royal pain in the … JK). 😊
I am here after a particularly bad episode. A small thing that turned into a full blown out fight. I was made to feel like I am wrong for reacting to his actions. We eventually came to a conclusion that we both could’ve handled it better. That was 2 days ago. He is perfectly fine with everyone around us but when it comes to me it is very evident he is very cold. Over the last 2 days I’ve tried to talk to him and he says he is not angry but continues to show me is he is angry in passive ways. We have been married for 7 years and this has always been the case. I feel so isolated when he does this. I constantly feel I need to walk on eggshells around him for him to not get angry and treat me this way. I also want to add that when things are good, he is quite nice to me, but is it wrong for me to expect consistency in good and bad times? I cannot discuss this with family or friends, because they always brush it off saying “he is such a good guy. I am sure he does not mean to hurt you”. I feel so alone and stuck in times like these.
This will be your life. Think hard and long. Ask yourself this question What is your joy?
Been in the same type of situation for 22 years 6 married. 9 days ago, the day before a major surgery, I asked my husband if I could rely on him to take care of me post surgery…a day…he asked why, I told him that the past 2 surgeries he said he would and he wasn’t there for me except for a ride there and back…I’m sure to show he’s helping. I asked him to promise and he did. He was there for me for 24 hours then I had to go back to working and keeping house. I was gaslighted by my doctor regarding pain and he agreed with the doctor, wasn’t even asking for pain pills just stating that I’m in severe pain, as you can see from my swollen ear and face.Forward 9 days later. He has ignored me and says I need to apologize for saying he’s unreliable. It’s not true, why should I apologize, shoulda hired a nurse. Now there is this to ask yourself and decide…Do you want this for yourself in life? Is this person capable of caring for you the way you’d expect? Hopefully we’ll figure it out and do what is right for ourselves, family, and overall sanity.
Don’t think you’re alone. I have the same cup of tea. My husband’s a POS. I call him the same thing he called Darrell Brooks….an oxygen waster. He’s constantly mean, arrogant, stonewalling, gaslighting, etc. I have no car and I need his medical insurance. What I’m thinking is to find a job that will cover a few things I need and sell the house, pay off the loan and split the proceeds. One day and it was right near my birthday, a greeting card from an old girlfriend came in the mail to him. She was saying…Oh, I’d love to reconnect. Years ago she dumped him. By the way she was talking, he never told her he was married. What an asshole. Yeah, I’m gonna get rid of him one way or another. Living with him is a serious drag. I don’t get it……if he hates me so much and I think he’s totally jealous, he constantly copies me, why he doesn’t just tell me and just go his own way. Why stay with me? I don’t get that. I’m gonna have to be the one and I have plenty of proof when we go before a judge. It kills me how in the beginning, they chase you and call and call and I told him I didn’t want the relationship but he’d go running home to his mommy, I’d get a phone call asking me what’s wrong? Since I had some run ins with the law in the past I was afraid she’d tell the police lies about me so I’d give in and go back with him. I could have such a better life. I just gotta suck it up and move on. Hon, you’re not alone. Believe me. Hope my horror story gave you some comfort.
He is not a good guy if he treats you that way and your friends and family have no idea what goes on behind closed doors so of course that’s why they’re saying he’s a good guy. Mine does the same thing. I’ve been married going on 30 years, feels like 130!! . The older I’ve gotten I’ve learned that it doesn’t mean shit, they’re not going to change, they’re insecure and have issues. Please don’t feel isolated, it’s happening to 80% of married couples nowadays! you’re a strong woman, do not let him have any power over you or the happiness in life that you deserve. If he’s gonna act like a nasty, abusive little man child ignore him,who needs it. Go for a walk, go to a coffee shop, relax listen to some live music…there are so many things to do in life that you will enjoy. I bought myself a bike, I’ll ride 10 miles a day now , it makes me feel happy, I feel healthy, it’s exhilarating to be out in nature. Any man who treats another human being let alone a woman like that needs to grow up and doesn’t deserve a good woman by his side.
Wonderful post, Mona. I could not have said it better.
I have a general question why are we ignoring this as women so many of us my self included why are we not leaving these men but instead going to coffee shops or staying in hotels or what have you? Said with total respect ✊🏽 btw. I’m done I want him gone I’m tired of dancing around these abusive men who are disrespectful this is for anyone in the thread that may be able to answer thank you all
Nietzche said to be careful when battling monsters that you do not become a monster yourself. I don’t want to behave like them for anything in the world.
Are you still together now??
If not, she should’ve. That is no way to live. I’m living this nightmare and for financial reasons can’t leave at the moment. And the behavior makes it really hard to get a foothold as well. I’m wondering what she means by “I now understand how to deal with him and open his eyes to how he’s been abusive.”
I mean, you can talk and talk and talk, and he or she might even act like they’re listening and seem to feel bad about it. But in my experience, they still don’t and won’t ever change. It’s not really about you but that doesn’t make it better either because for you, it is kind of about you… because it effects your life. And if they’re passive aggressive with finances then that can prove to be really dangerous.
Ohhh I am so living this! I have little hope left that anything will change and m planning my escape. Although his sabotage and passive aggressive behaviors with our business and finances makes it incredibly difficult to have time to work on anything for myself. He puts on such a good show for others saying what they need to hear and acting so easy going.. ugh if they only knew!
Oh yes! Passive aggressive with finances…my husband owned a business and never paid Payroll Withholding! It cost us thousands to keep him out of prison. Twenty years later his behavior towards me is accepting in negative ways and my health isn’t great. I’m so stuck.
Thank LuAnn. I agree. I had No debt, owned my car outright, and was much more independent Before I married my husband. I had no idea of the Roller-Coaster of life and dangerous finances ahead to feed his ego that I would endure. I have found a counselor (multi PhD) who has dealt with passive -aggressive people for many decades and he finds them very difficult. If He finds them tough, of course the rest of us will have a tough time with them as well. I appreciate you and your input. Thank you for posting.
Also me, but I haven’t managed to make it to counseling yet. But I have started looking. Grateful to have found this forum!
LuAnn, I am in that exact boat. With just another ugly episode last night, I was looking online for similarities to what I was going through and found this blog. I have always lived on my own and supported myself until I got remarried, which I had never planned to do, and then Bam this economy has left me stuck. I don’t want to fail at this marriage but I also don’t want to be fighting a losing battle and be unhappy. I wondered how you have been doing since you posted your comment. Hope you are well.
Thank you for the smplicity of this, and the perspective. I’ve been looking for an understanding of what’s been happening in my relationship and I’ve found it. Next question, for me, is why I’ve attracted it…
I also have wondered why I attractive p/a people. Twice now, I have got burned by these people. It seems they can sense we have a helpful nature and we make an excellent prey for them to lease out their “stuff” on us. Perhaps we ourselves have an somewhat dependent way and we look for a soft place to land? Another thought, a taker can always smell a giver.
You sound like the “empath” type and the narcissistic, p/a, opportunistic types can definitely see you coming and will target your BIG heart and generous nature‼️🫣 That’s awful but don’t let it change you!!🤷♀️
Ed and everyone… I can see myself So Much in each of your stories. My spouse is in AA which I have often thought he’d be happier (and probably me too) if he was married to another AA member. The level of manipulation is devastating. I spoke recently to a therapist who called me an “empath”. At first , I thought that meant I was great at reading other peoples’ needs and meeting those needs. Sound familiar? He went on to explain it’s not just about the gift of being so perceptive and intuitive… the problem arises when we empaths meet others’ needs and Forsake our own needs. At the expense of our needs… He clarified an empath can be the ultimate “Co- dependent Emotionally”. Ouch. I have a lot to work on. I’m at this point just trying to improve me and regain some independence. Best regards to each of you. 😊
Me too
I am also dealing with a passive aggressive husband and it is truly driving me crazy. He loves to look like the calm cool collective man that he is not especially when all the kids and their spouses come home. I have been married for close to 35 years!!! I just don’t think I can take it any longer. Divorce is not an option, but going insane isn’t either. From the 2nd year of marriage I have asked him to go with me to counseling….He will NOT do it cause there is nothing wrong with him! I am the only one with a problem. I have gone to couseling myself and it does help me to cope. He says one thing and does another…..he procrastinates…he never asks me before he turns the oven off (ruins the dinner), or puts the clothes in the dryer (shrinks clothes), hides items from me, does everything the opposite of how I ask him to do it….says he can do it anyway he wants. Yikes!! It is worse then having a child or an out of control animal in the house. If I set something in a certain place in my home, in my room…etc…..he will change everything. And when I can’t find it or when I am angry he gets such a smirk on his face…..I feel like I am in a never ending nightmare!
Catherine, This is definitely emotional abuse and you should leave like the house is on fire‼️🔥 Your peace of mind is important, and you deserve to be respected‼️🤷♀️ God bless you, and I hope you get out soon❣️💜🙏🏻💜🙏🏻💜
Demonic that’s what they are demons on earth 🌏 literally delighting in your sadness and sickness and when I can I’ll make sure he feels the same and I’ll delight in it for once !!!
My husband does many of the same things at home! But he also does this in our business. The business that I never wanted & he insisted I help him with. He has now decided that he doesn’t like it( because it’s way more work than he thought). He also now absolutely resents me for being good at running and building the business. He uses it as a weapon against me regularly, completely ignoring protocol and policy, asking employees to do things outside of their job description and against my own policies. as well as threatening to sell it, or just quit and go be a store clerk. Complains that working w me makes him feel small. Yet when I tell him that I’m fine with him running everything, he tellls me he doesn’t want to learn and deal w all that bullshit! We have big bills and big debt . Him selling and becoming a store clerk of course would leave that all on me.
OMG..sounds exactly like my life. I thought for years he was just difficult but this is him!!!
Wow I think think that is my husband! Completely different person when around others. I can completely understand what you are going through.
Catherine, oh dear! I am so sorry. 33 years of marriage… we could be twins separated at birth. I am sorry you are going through this as much as I am . I wouldn’t wish this on Anyone! I have found the more activities I do on my own, the happier my heart is. All the things you say your spouse does… my spouse ( his PA twin) does also. I keep my keys in my purse with Me. He used to open our individual car’s sun roofs ( even after I repeatedly forbade him to touch my keys or my car) and he would “forget “ the sunroofs were open… even when it rained. He actually totaled a sports car because of all the electrical damage he caused. Wasteful and Childish! If something is not to Directly benefit him, it holds no interest for him. I wish I had answers for you. Hopefully knowing it is Not you and you are Not alone Helps. I pray we all find a better place or at least understanding where we are appreciated and not abused or neglected or ignored. This is Suppose to be a Relationship.. which means we are suppose to be relating. Not given empty promises.
I have the same things that you have written he moves things he knows I like a curtain way why I don’t know just to annoy I suppose , I’ve had the oven turned off as well when the food wasn’t cooked , it is one great big nightmare that you can never wake up from I feel for everyone who is going through the same situation .
Why do we continue with this trans circle. It’s crushing me in so many ways. I was just told that he supports me because he knows I can’t live without him. So he just will keep paying it’s been 29 years. When I get out and have some peace, that it is moment to abuse. I see it and reading this gives me hope
My husband has thrown a lot of my belongings away and when I confront him he either denies it or tells me I didn’t need it. He is NEVER wrong and when he is and I tell him, he starts yelling, swearing and tells me it’s me that’s wrong. Divorce is not an option but I wish it were.
Kerri, Mirror his behaviors back on him and see how much he likes it‼️ And give serious thought, in the meantime, to what is stopping you from getting a divorce, and stopping the abuse cycle, once and for all; isn’t there a way around whatever is stopping you??🤷♀️ God bless you and the very best of luck❣️💜🙏🏻💜🙏🏻💜🙏🏻💜😁 🩷🐻🩷🐻🩷=HUGs
Ditto. Your experience is shared. Thank you for your post.
Im sorry I have a husband like that I feel for you. Mine, he is hard of hearing & has used that as a tool when he wants to. I feel like Im die-ing, the stress is killing me, I cant say anything, if I do he yells, then he complains I don’t talk to him?😳 I am so tired of being yanked around, He changes like the wind, like some else commented its worse then dealing with a bad child. I feel physically drained & to my wits end. Ive tried everything the gambit to help him understand or work things out but obviously he doesn’t want that he enjoys the upheaval, the stress the yelling, he has tantrums & likes to make big scenes, Ive come to the conclusion he’s sick, a p/a narcissist with explosive intermittent behavior and the worse part is I feel the same way that he preyed on me. The terrible thing is being married to him for forty years, the Bible says at Proverbs 13:20 that:”He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly.” I have no one to blame but myself, I chose wrong apparently. I know Im not perfect & I have numerous faults myself, but I try, I try to get along. We separated, it was wonderful! I felt like a weight was lifted off my back, the house felt airier & lighter, but he ended up having a evolving heart attack & moved back home & with in no time everything went spiraling backwards again.. sometimes & I probably shouldn’t say this but I wish I could just die then Id at least get away & have peace. Only Id miss my only Grandgurl who is a epileptic & needs me. Thank you for letting me vent & God Bless you all..🙏
Bee, You sound like a sweet person, as most are that deal with a p/a! What is stopping you from separating from your partner again? If he is such a problem then you deserve to be free of the abuse, cut him loose‼️ You shouldn’t have to stop seeing your granddaughter because you are separated from him‼️🤷♀️ And if she is an epileptic she definitely needs you, but a happier you would be better for both of you❣️ God bless you and the very best of luck❣️💜🙏🏻💜🙏🏻💜🙏🏻💜 🩷🐻🩷🐻🩷=HUGs
Exactly in your situation and have a son with special needs . I wish I would die too but I have a son that needs me . I’m so tired .
Delores, A dead you won’t do anyone any good, so stop thinking like that!! If you get yourself OUT of that situation you will feel 100%better and not SO SO SO SO drained emotionally and physically‼️ So remove yourself from that toxic relationship and focus on your son and being happy again‼️😁 God bless you and the very best of luck❣️💜🙏🏻💜🙏🏻💜 🩷🐻🩷🐻=HUGs
Bee, Bless You for sharing. Please don’t wish to die. The universe or God doesn’t hear sarcasm. I used to think the same thing. We had a house fire started by an inept HVAC guy. Initially I was crushed not only by the shock of the fire or temporarily losing my house and having to move during rebuild; my PA spouse went outside and Only looked after his safety during the fire. My son and I along with our dogs and fosters were inside. My husband had no issue leaving us behind. Mind Blown!😵💫😱. I had no idea of his level of PA and narcissistic core. The guys who “rebuilt” our house messed it up and grew mold. I got sick and nearly died several times while in the hospital for 3 months. It messed up my immune system wand I am still recovering with surgeries ahead of me. So Please don’t wish to die to solve all this mess. All I can hold firmly to is God Does have a Purpose for Each of us. Maybe to support others going through the same stuff? Whom else would understand? Without walking in Our shoes? God Also Loves Us! This is not our home. When I was in the hospital some of the medical staff would ask, “ why you”. I always felt… Why Not me. We are SURVIVORS. For whatever reason this is our lot. We can choose to accept and make the best of it. Or we can try to help others and in turn we are helped. God Bless You Bee! You are a child of God. You are Loved. Whatever you need, Ask. Our prayers do get answered. Sometimes by what we need, not what we want. 💖
I feel your pain Bee it’s only financial reasons I’m just hanging in there he is disrespectful to me and could make trouble in an empty room and still blame me for everything .
This is my situation exactly. My life is played out throughout this list of comments. I feel calmed knowing it’s not my isolated problem..there are hundreds of PANs out there, I too am in my mid 60’s and retirement is ruined by the constant yelling, negativity and control. He used to work away and I felt I was missing out on life having to do everything on my own…but now I realise how lucky I was. It’s twice as hard now he’s home all day. He’s a perfectionist with OCD and I just dont come up to his standards. I suffer badly from anxiety and cringe when he starts yet another row over something trivial, he lets rip and the neighbours must hear it all…I feel so vulnerable but I get great comfort from praying and turn to God whenever I need him.
Anon, Bless You! Prayer creates Miracles if only to allow us to live on another day. God does give Comfort. I am right there with you in your struggles. Interesting we found this blog. Thank God for that. I so understand when my husband traveled and I was so expected to and Was the single parent even though he lived in the same home. I used to stay up until wee hours cleaning house or preparing my children’s clothes or whatever to keep the family functioning or do I thought. He was totally absent even when here. Now he travels so much less and I realize him being gone Was my sanity. You are so right, underfoot is worse. I’m 64. Unemployed right now due to health issues. I do believe we frequently get sick physically because of the emotional black hole that sucks all our energy from our spirit. Thank God we can refill it in praise and prayer. That is frequently my sanity nowadays. Bless you.
When it was time for my husband to retire I felt so depressed at the thought now he has retired I was right to be depressed it’s a nightmare he is spoiling my retirement I carnt relax and do anything that he doesn’t spoil , he never wants me to enjoy anything birthdays Christmas etc never wants to give me a present although I give him one and other members of my family , he causes arguments over trivial issues and hates it when he fails at anything he carnt do and I get blamed for that as well . We have to look after our own mental wellbeing and forget there’s like they have done to ours , one day one of us will need the help of the other one I just hope it’s not me needing help from him .
Amen. They are not good caregivers. Infact I think it makes them cringe to think of giving of self to anyone or anything. Especially spouse or family. Unless it’s for Show. Uggghh. Let’s take care of us. We deserve Great things in our lives. We Are lovable and we do know how to love. Look what we have endured. It can’t be for nil.
Praying for you 🙏🏾
Get out!
Yes, I agree, leave him or get him out. Your life will be so much more airier, peaceful and wonderfully simple. Please do not think of death as an opportunity of a way out, your Granddaughter needs you so much and the rest of your family who love you. Ive not had a easy life either. But my Sis-in-laws Beautiful Sister got divorced a few years ago. She brightened every room, had 3 beautiful older teen boys, who loved her so much. Had a great job and life with so many friends. Yet before Christmas without anyones knowledge of her unhappiness, she in her early 50’s took her own life. We are a very close family. My own Mother is 80, she couldn’t or wouldn’t go to her funeral as she didn’t want to ruin the day by crying. I told my mum the day previous to her funeral that I didn’t want to go either as I suffer from severe depression. My Mum said she wished she cud come with me. Where my courage came from, Ive no idea, maybe because I knew I had to for the sake of my Mum. I went and thankfully I done well, obviously knowing our family and her family needed me. Everyone in her life is heartbroken, never ever think that is the way out, just get him out of your life and in time you will be so thankful that the best decision you ever made for not just yourself but for all your loving family. Ive 3 kids, I separated from my narcissistic husband 10 years ago but should have done it much sooner. I hope and pray that you reach the point an realise you, your family are much more important than one person who willingly wants to hurt you. It’s only one person and without him you will begin in time to love yourself & your life again. I wish you well & I pray that you find the courage to remove him from your life.
I feel your pain. I have a girlfriend of a year that has been this way for a year. I try to tell her with boundaries and respect then I have to yell it seems. She acts like she is calm but she hides all her stuff inside and acts it out. By doing weird things. I say please don’t put the totes in the back of the truck I will do that because I’m a better organizer. But I understand that how they play pretend and then do all the opposites that you ask. Even forget things, and not do what you ask, or give you something other then you want. Then want praise for making lunch. It gets complicated forsure.
David Boggess, not sure what others are thinking but my thoughts are you are the p/a narcissist who wants everything your way or no way. I truly fell sorry for you girl friend. Seriously, you dont allow a person you love to put totes in truck cause u can do it it better as well as the other things you criticise her, your girlfriend who I would assume is a girl who loves or loved you. Re-read your own story, to me you sound like a total control freak. If I made a lunch for my kids and husband an he complained that he wanted something else, which happened to me for a very long time, I’d remove you from my life as I did with ex, but I tried to hide his emotional and mental abuse for much longer than I should’ve. I feel sorry for that girl and hope she’s well rid of you now
Catherine, without risking those who would call me a Bible Thumper, may I say first that I can totally relate to everything everyone is going through on here, and may I say that I have been married 52 years. My situation with my own husband is a bit different, and totally private, but he has been not dealing with some issues in his life for a very long time, and is into “escapist” behavior. Nothing immoral, just too much into tv shows, or ignoring the family at times, you know just being mentally unavailable….but he can also be guilty of the p/a behavior as well. What has helped me tremendously is my Faith in God and my Personal Relationship with Jesus Christ. Christ has shown me how to see the problems, not to dislike the person, but how to be the kind of person that will “enhance” my husband’s life, and to pray for “him”. Wasn’t easy at first, but when I began to see some really great, positive changes in Him, I thanked God for it, you know. And yes, women save yourselves. Do what you can to be a good wife, but save yourself. Get involved in activities and with people that have positive vibes, you know. And when things get really trust, pray. It works. God Bless You All. It DOES get better. Day at a time, right?
He said that since the second year of marriage you have had this problem with him and that you have been with him for over 35 years. Honestly, you sound like you are not very smart and have not learned your lesson. Clearly you are still allowing him to talk to you that way, and every time you do you grant him permission saying it’s okay to talk to you this way. Time to stand up for yourself, because clearly after over 35 years, at the time of this comment, you clearly haven’t been stepping up.
🤔 Are you Catherine’s husband? W0W😳 talk about being insensitive… I hope counseling isn’t your forte. Being direct is good but W0W!
“Divorce isn’t an option”. #1 reason marriage is an absolute waste and a trap. Imagine had you not, you could simply feel free to leave this obviously infantile creature. But wait. Nothing is stopping you, is there? What would stop you from leaving? I mean, I have a hard time believing that you were able to procreate with what is obviously a child. If anything, that calls into question what you might be into, madam.
I would leave in a heartbeat if I had somewhere to go. But the housing is so impossible around here and I live by the beach in Hawaii I would have to move to another state. I don’t know anyone or anywhere if we had to split the proceeds of the house and small retirement to go to or I would have years ago.
Oh look the narcissists have arrived in full force. No one cares what you think. Leave this lady alone. Marriage might mean nothing to you but its sacred to decent people.
You totally described my life and my husband perfectly. I insisted on marriage counseling 12 years ago. What a waste! Every single appointment was the same as the first, like starting over from scratch.
Sounds like my husband. I am ready to choke him out!!! He drives me nuts!!! And, on top of everything else, he has ADHD!!! Lord help me!!!
You just hit on the exact entity that will help you…The Lord!
Although my husband doesn’t do exactly the things you mentioned your husband does, my husband seems to enjoy my not being happy about certain things. I have learned not to respond so he doesn’t know. Isn’t that a great way to live? No, I probably won’t seek a divorce but I certainly pray a lot! And through that, I have learned to survive and be happy. Not happy with the relationship! But happy in spite of it. It ain’t easy, I know. It’s nice to get support just hearing what other people are going through but still sorry to hear it.
God Bless you, Susanne. You’re working on your marriage and deciding that you cannot control another person’s behavior. And yes, prayer will do more for your relationship than anything. I’m not against counseling, and have done that as well. But prayer is POWERFUL and WORKS!!!
You’re just as much of a problem as the original poster. You are quite literally allowing these people to do this and get away with it. You are giving them permission and allowing it to continue. On top of this, you’re dumb enough to pray and think that it does anything other than placebo effect. This is exactly why abusers are able to do what they do.
Your name says all the advise you need…..you should TAKE it!
You sound passive aggressive
Begone demon, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
You have no power here. Your time is short and you are angry just as Scripture foretold.
You are of your father the devil who was a murderer from the beginning. He is the father of lies and there is no truth in him. When you speak you speak in his character- nothing but damnable lies.
I totally agree with you
I normally would of agreed with you on not letting a toxic abuser get away with it, but after living through it as a victim myself recently, I learned that there is no changing someone like that unless they get therapy. Luckily for me, I did not have a lot of time invested in the relationship and got out. She is married to her abuser and Im sure she’ll leave the relationship once its right for her.
To name call Susanne or anyone who is going through difficulties in their relationship is just totally unfair. Susanne has found that prayer works in her situation. I have found it immensely helpful in mine. No one is saying that YOU have to adopt a faith or pray if you choose not to. And you are misreading those who choose to work within their marriages to make them work. No one is saying that disrespectful or passive aggressive behavior is acceptable. We are just acknowledging that certain situations can trigger this behavior and trying to understand the person we cohabitate with. That is far from being dumb, in fact, to take the time to care and to pray and to analyze behavior is anything but.
Wow the Bible thumber, whent full PA right there.
Maybe the thumping should be to your head…..how was that for passive-aggressive…..oh wait that would be just aggressive 🤔
That’s all true but, what about liking yourself enough not to be continually abused. Whether it’s physical or emotional, it’s still abuse and no one should live like that.
Can we just get something straight here. Abusive men do not go for weak little women, they go for strong, independent smart ones. So much better to knock them down, a better challenge. It takes one person to abuse, just one and it’s a choice they make. It’s very hard and dangerous to leave a truly abusive relationship and people who comment like that haven’t got a clue. They make it so much worse.
No they shouldn’t but believe it or not its not going to make a difference what anyone says or shames them. That usually causes a person with these types of problems to with draw…Don’t you think if they have enough sense to acknowledge & write about it that they have a inclination of whats up & going on? Maybe they just need validation or a kind listening ear rather than critical words or harsh judgment. Theres a lot to be said for trying to walk a mile in another’s shoes! Understandably your angry & upset of the injustice that is happening but again you attrack more ants to honey, kindness sympathy & empathy go a lot further & a longer way then becoming combative, isn’t that what going on to begin with? What started this blog conversations?
I’ve been married for 35 years to a passive aggressive spouse. For 27 years I knew something was wrong in the marriage, but I thought it was all my fault. I thought I must be asking wrong. 8 years ago, I learned I had breast cancer. After 3 surgeries, chemo, and radiation, I am doing ok. When I was diagnosed, it became extremely clear to me that it was not my fault and that he was a passive aggressive spouse. He was never there for our children (never his fault) has never apologized for anything, if I ask him a question, he won’t answer. He’s now talking about retiring, and I am miserable. I’ve been a stay at home mom since 1984. I’m now 63 years old, and hate the thought of starting over at this age. Right now, my 89 year old mom is 1000 miles away and is having health issues. I’ve learned not to tell him anything because he will just come back and say it’s all my fault. Well, at least I feel better for venting. Still not sure what path to take – I really don’t enjoy doing activities with him any more. If we go somewhere, he won’t talk to me in the car at all, then when we get to the activity with friends, he is as charming as he can be. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have him because he’s such a great guy. He’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!
Please go visit your mom if you can…by yourself….time away might be good for you. Hopefully you can get some perspective on your situation! Best of luck to you and your future!
I find your description to your partner “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde” hilarious coz that’s how I call my husband.
I agree with the Jekyll and Hyde personality. People think my husband is friendly and sweet, but he’s the opposite at home to me. I call it booby trapping when my husband interferes with any project, meal or plans I make. He screws up things deliberately and then claims it’s not his fault. then when I get angry or upset he twists the situation to being my fault. I can’t leave either due to financial reasons. I just stay crazy in this marriage.
Hi dusty sorry to hear that – I hope you can get out. Pls find a way. I felt I should share my story on why you should get out. In the last I was married to a very evil passive aggressive narcissist in the past. He was truly pure evil. He started the relationship telling me all the things I wanted to hear… I wanted to get married and have a family ( he already had kids from his past marriage) and he told me he would be happy to do to all again but he never had any intentions – he lied to get what he wanted. What I didn’t realise early on as well is He deliberately wanted to control everything and me. He started causing conflict deliberately over anything he could in order to see me upset or get into an argument. It started subtly I now look back and remember the first time he stonewalled me and wouldn’t tell me what was wrong to make me feel bad and control me. I hadn’t done anything wrong but he gaslighted me. Then a few months later it happened again and and then again and before I knew it 3 years in he was doing it almost daily. He would continually gaslight and try and trick me into thinking things being all my fault. He would twist my words. He would even change my words, I recorded him once and I then knew he twisted everything. It got worse and worse, he would call me names and pick on my features , He would say anything to get a reaction. An example- I remember to demonstrate how pathetic it was….. we needed a new toaster as ours died and on the way to the shops out of nowhere he said he would pick it because I’m too dumb to buy a decent toaster. Another time on a road trip out of nowhere he said to me ” you don’t really care or have an appreciation for nature do you”…. I said sure I do what do you mean? And he said you don’t really have the intellect for it…. anything like this to start a fight or put me down – he did this especially as I’m in the car and can’t get away or go to another room – he trapped me…. it was his tactic and I stupidly took the bait. He would also act nicely in front of company and then stonewall me soon as we left or kept arguing – nothing ever got resolved because he didn’t want it to it was his way of controlling me. He would say nasty things about my friends and call them stupid. He tried to stop me from seeing them – thank god I didn’t . He would also do stuff like deliberately mutter things so I couldn’t hear him and tried to make me feel hard if hearing . What sort of person does this! He would make me feel bad about buying anything for myself even though I worked full time. It became financial abuse . He hid and moved things around the house to make me feel I was going crazy. when he stopped working he also did nothing around the house – wouldn’t even make dinner – he left it all to me to do and I stupidly did it. He got more and more verbally abusive as well to the point it was every day almost every hour he was attacking me …After 5 years I was so broken and we went for counselling – I just wanted the abuse to stop – I felt smothered. It didn’t help and I ended up in counselling for a solo session and the therapist said ” I don’t normally say this but I recommend you end the relationship – it’s not going to get better – he will never end it – it will continue, he then said “you are young and haven’t had children yet, you don’t have to have this life”. The next person you meet will be completely different…. it can be the one you share a home and life with . I was 29 at this stage and my husband was much older with kids from a previous marriage as mentioned. Anyhow Thank god for that therapist as I ended it right after that and my whole life changed. I started feeling happy and safe and strong and confident. I got all new furniture for the house after he took everything – I didn’t like most of it anyway as he controlled all the choices…. I spent time with my friends realised what a burden my constant sadness had been on them and how long they listened to my woes for and I realised they were my life savers. I thank them for my life. I then started doing better at work as was not crying every night. I could focus again. I started taking in the simple pleasures of life and feeling there was hope. Life became beautiful again. I then met a man a year later whom is now my husband and we have an 8 yr old son together whom we adore. We have a home and pets and we travel and he is my best friend. Life is too short to be with someone that delights in hurting their partner. Xx I’m 43 now and that hell I loved was from age 24-29 – I wasted precious years of my youth to that soul sucker….. never again xxx I hope my story can help others see you can’t change people like that. It’s a sickness in them.
It sounds like we are living with the same person , I feel for you it’s such a shame that people can’t be happy it’s a waste of life when we should be living in harmony with each other it’s just how someone people have grown up I suppose.
That’s me in a nutshell, and have referred to exactly that jeckle and hyde ..sweet as pie when I am compliant. The second I speak up about something no matter how soft handed I make it flow towards him, I get bitten with words that sting me for days. Then I’m depressed, I don’t trust him with my heart. I now find myself disassociating from him and not sharing anything with him because I don’t trust him with my heart because I feel guarded.
I’m finally out of that kind of marriage. I’m not okay but I’m paddling like a duck. My advice to you would be to care for your ailing mom and make it a permanent visit. I wouldn’t tell him that though. You will find that being absent will not make your heart grow fonder. Hope life gets better. By the way, I’m 56 years old. Learning to start over again. I like not walking on eggshells in a home where you can cut the tension with a knife.
You are my age and Im going through what you went through. I am convinced I’m on the right path because after 15 months apart I do not miss him and feel so much less stressed because I don’t have to deal with the daily eggshells. This morning he texted me to say he is going to get divorce papers done. This stresses me out and I’m back to my good old self again because I know he won’t put anyone but himself into consideration, especially not me and not our 4 kids who are adult now but are still affected by his self piteous ways, and subtle smearing on how “their mom can be”. He does not care about the 30 years that I managed to make a loving family. He will make them take sides because that’s how he works. It’s all games, and he needs to win, even at the expense of any of us. I’m so tired of being in survival mode for 30 yrs, I don’t have strength or desire to fight. To see you made it through and are on the other side is encourageing.
After 3 years of marriage and 3 years before of hell, I finally gave into my husband’s threat of moving out and said go! (nearly 2 months ago). I am 62 and it was the last thing I wanted, but since he has been gone, I’m a new person as well. It was the biggest blessing and I am free and happy and stress free and anxiety free and no more tension. Absence has NOT made the heart grow fonder and he is trying to reconcile and I keep saying I need more time. I am now in the driver’s seat in relation to my mental health and I am A OK. I hope this helps.
Definitely helps. Thankyou. I too am suffering needlessly my husband has a passive aggressive behaviour.
I’m in the same boat Val why us if you’re like me you know you don’t deserve to be treated like you mean nothing they are vampires after your happiness try not to let him get any I know it’s not easy .
Why would you want him back you know what he is like.
My husband of nearly 40 years drives me nutzs. He retired a year ago and things are a whole lot worse.
Today at my wits end I told him that he is PAN.
passive aggressive narcissistic.
He is now sulking and being the victim…..again.
It’s impossible to have a conversation with him ????♀️
What starts out as something so small turns into an argument.
He has no respect for me , never says he is sorry. Well why would he. He is always right‼️
He has a mean streak in him. He goes from being human to a snake ???? attack.
Yep. That’s him.
Flip flop. Never know which one I am seeing till he shows me.
My kids never gave me this much trouble ‼️
They were well behaved well adjusted happy kids and adults. Thankfully hubby worked so they didn’t see any of this growing up ‼️
So fed up with him and how hard he is making my life. You would think at my age of 72 I wouldn’t have to deal with his pan.
Personally I think he is loving it ‼️
Know what you mean .
This is terrible I bieve you cause I’m suffering too. I am 69.
I’m 67 I think our men don’t have any respect for anyone they are bored with their lot so they take it out on us .
I am 70, and my husband is your age. I feel your pain. I go through similar things with my own. I have noticed that my husband improves immensely when he eats right, gets proper rest, and takes the time to do something he enjoys, like go to the driving range. I think what we have to realize is, that these old men we are married to, they just have no idea how their inattentiveness or their closed off behavior, or that switch, where they get frustrated and angry, can just break their wive’s hearts. We may not be able to do much about their behavior, but we can certainly avoid them when they are at their worst, and do all we can to save ourselves and our own sanity by becoming involved in things that make US happy, you know. God Bless You All, and I’ll pray for ALL.
Yes I agree , some men never seem to find there place in retirement they have worked and now can’t find enough to do so they just get bad tempered with us I’m sure some men find plenty to do and they hopefully aren’t so bad tempered .
God bless you all too x used to think he was just insensitive to my feelings but I now know he has a passive aggressive personality and yes he can have attention deficit too
If he has a mean streak in him he isn’t passive agressive. Passive agressive behavior is someone who appears very empathetic on the outside, but does things that display their anger. Like slamming cupboards and dishes, acting non affectionate, doing things they KNOW drive you crazy, undermining you constantly, lying about big decisions you made together and decided on long ago and when confronted they play the victim and act as if you’re crazy. I’ve been dealing with my passive agressive wife and its making be blow up in anger. Its evil to the core and evilly destructive.
I feel for you. I try to ignore my husband and not let him hurt my feelings when he shouts at me not just indoors but outside too and he just does it because he knows it hurts and upsets me. He can turn on a sixpence and I can’t understand what I’ve done wrong!!
You won’t have done anything wrong it’s them
You are describing my life and marriage. Especially doing the things they know drive you crazy and lying about decisions and plans we made together. For the longest time i have wondered how it is possible that i have asked him not to do certain things millions of times, and he still does them, is it because he forgets or because he simply does not care but now i realize its because he gets pleasure from it. And the realization makes me feel paranoid and crazy
This! My husband always says he forgot. And then acts injured and like I am crazy and unreasonable when I ask him if he really forgot because I have asked him to not do that or please remember this so many times!
Oh boy I could have written this myself especially the bit how you have asked him not to do certain things and he still does them I’m sure my husband does that because he’s getting pleasure from it too l wish I could meet someone else like his first wife did and then dump him I’m not a nasty person but I can’t keep being treated like I don’t matter ,I don’t deserve to be treated like this from someone who has no manners or respect for me .
This last bit about him “getting pleasure from it” pretty much tallies up the total futility of dealing with him on any level. This person is AN ASSHOLE. These types are intentionally destructive to their partners physiological health and they’re utterly insidious. I equate it to a total lack of love in their hearts.
You nailed it
Sounds just like my husband too!!!!
Here I thought I was married to a special kind of ass, but sounds like most men are made from the same cloth. All the years I worked in a nursing home, the conclusion was that the women lost their minds (because of the men) and the mens bodies were ruined, because of the women.
Reading this everything is the same with my husband. Absolutely everything. I have been married 24yrs and with him about 30yrs. I’m at a loss what to do with him hes so angry as well most of the time. Never complimentary about me, constantly lying. Will never move when he’s at home. Some small argument turns into something major in he walks out the house and sleeps in the car. So not normal. then when I get worked up he smirks. on top of all this he is verbally abusive. I have been called all the names you can think of. he is also a taker and i’m a giver. he as no empathy towards me at all. I collapsed once whilst at home he walked over me and went to work. Nothing from him all day. He turned around and said to me why should I help you we had been arguing. This to me is horrendous behaviour. Cope by doing your own thing and count them out of the equasion. You won’t change them because everything is everyone else’s fault. Look into their family there will probably be mental health issues within people in it.
if he’s verbally abusive he isn’t passive agressive, he just has anger issues. Passive agressive people are very calm natured.
Sorry, but passive aggressive people are NOT always calm natured.
No correlation whatsoever beyond the confines of your own beliefs. The one can absolutely coexist with the other, and it often does. Anyone who thinks that mean angry people can’t be absolutely passive aggressive as well, is either working with just one particular “sample” person, who just so happens to not “appear passive aggressive”, or, and more likely, they just need to get out more!
It should also be firmly understood, that many passive aggressive types have been mastering their passive aggressive behaviors throughout their lives. It can be extremely hard to recognize on the receiving end… and there is so often cognitive dissonance involved as they’re masters of the mind game and “plausible deniability”.
Toxic persons come in all stripes, and comorbidity of personality disorders is the rule more than the exception. You don’t need to diagnose them, because naming which stripe they are is not that important. What is important is this… If you’re feeling hurt and confused, and your gut is telling you that something is wrong, but you can’t seem to put your finger on it…. And this isn’t just a one off but it’s long term dynamic sort of thing…. Then “YOU” are probably “In Play” with a toxic partner. You will be undermined, especially psychologically. Your needs will be minimized and denied systematically over time. Your expectations will be “managed down to below zero”. But… please do not make the mistake of thinking that passive aggressive behavior is not malignant at the core. By it’s very nature, passive aggression is covert and underhanded with bad intentions. “Aggression” wouldn’t even be part of the term if meanness and anger weren’t in play. A person with love in their heart and who has a conscience, good will and good intentions, does NOT behave in such unhealthy and unproductive ways. The healthy loving respectful person is going to appreciate and seek win win outcomes, especially in their primary relationship. Passive aggressive behavior is the exact opposite of caring, considerate, respectful behavior. You can literally tabulate it out to a person in relation”shit” who wants power and control and who must win at all costs and subversive manipulative covert underhanded maneuvers are the tool of choice for these malignant malicious ones. They win. You lose. Great relationship right? And they can always deny deny deny insinuating that you are crazy if you call them on it and flip the script and blame shift and well, don’t even get me started on the menagerie of bullshit mindfuckery they’ll unleash to psychologically derail you. Ultimately resorting to attack screaming veins bulging in your face bullying intimidation behavior. That right there is just evil coming out, and that’s their last card. You will be denied your truths, shocked into silence. Eggshells will be your existence from then on. They will conveniently forget it all as if nothing happened at all. Just evil.
Sounds exactly like my husband. I feel like I have to compete with him all the time. It has really started to affect my health in the last 10 years so I have to now put myself first and my health before it’s too late.
This comment resonates with me. I didn’t grow up in a competitive, win/lose, critical/shaming home, so I had no previous concept of the tactics my spouse routinely employs to recreate this toxic environment. It is absolutely in his DNA and I am the prime target. He recruits our kids to his “side” and doesn’t think I notice. Sometimes I feel sorry for him – he says I’m his best friend – but can PA people develop healthy relationships? I often feel crazy in his presence. I feel relieved when I get away and do things that make me happy. I am so tired of playing this game.
Yes they leave you no choice you’re love you once had for them has gone because of all the lies that they have made up about you every thing just dies they are there own worst enemy and you’re worst nightmare .
Nah, he can definitely be both. Even the healthiest people aren’t consistent in behaviors and temperament. And I would not use the word “just” to describe anger issues. If he’s abusive, it’s not “just” anything. And yeah, there can be a mix of flawed characteristics in one person. One day he may be overtly abusive and the next do something under the radar. Besides, slamming cabinets is passive aggressive and I would not call that calm behavior. However yes, some PAs are calm. My hub is a perfect example of that. Very calm an quiet. Quite the weasel actually.
contradicting and minimizing this makes you sound passive aggressive
I’m sorry, Bonus but these women have a right to share their stories of what ‘s going on in their lives and it has nothing to do with contradictions. It certainly doesn’t make THEM passive aggressive to express that they are going through a difficult time.
There are levels of passive aggressive. Also, one can be passive aggressive AND rotten. Don’t tell her she doesn’t know; she knows!
All I can say is, “Me, too!”
Thanks for this information and especially for the website. I love my husband of 30 years very much. We’ve been working on these issues because he had such a terrible childhood he was left damaged. There is hope, folks. Give your passive-aggressive spouse the information; if he really wants to stay married he won’t procrastinate anymore. He’ll start reading about it, get embarrassed and finally start changing back into the person you married. I say this because it’s happening for my relationship, now. It takes time and patience. I have to remind myself he’s like this because of a rotten childhood, not because he hates me. It’s hard, never let your guard down. But, if you love them enough, work with your passive aggressive partner to help them change. They really can change if they want to and have a bit of help.
There are days I feel this same kind of hope. But I’m not convinced it ever really goes away. PA people identify as victims and put responsibility for their emotional state on things outside of their control.
Thank you for the encouraging response & suggestions. You obviously have a kind & patient heart & have the ability to say look the glass is half full.. I hope & pray things continue to improve for you. I try to remember Jesus’s sacrifice & what he bore for all of us..
OMG, really! I’ve been married to a PA for 25 years. Your response just makes me laugh.
Sorry.
I don’t find anything funny about all of the pain that many of us have been going through for so long. And partners ARE capable of change. Mine has, and so can others, so laugh at yourself first, or don’t laugh at the pain that others are going through.
Makes me laugh too. PA spouses don’t change. They make you crazy and enjoy the ride! They are determined in the belief that their emotional misery and suffering is caused by everyone else, never by their own actions/choices. I am going on 26 yrs. marriage w/junior high age children. You either accept them or move on. For now, I choose to stay… more good days out-weight the bad days, but when they are bad… ouch!!
I don’t have the patience for it.
I was so confident in his work and just as he said in the beginning, my husband is finally back to me again, yes he is back with all his hearts, Love, care, emotions and flowers and things are better now. I would have no hesitation to recommend this powerful Man to anybody who is in need of relationship/marriage help.. E-mail; ____________________________r.buckler@ [hotmail] com
It doesn’t matter. The man that changed is the exception. Nobody has tried harder than I have to calmly call out the behavior and refuse to cover for it .. to start over and try this intervention or that one … he will never change and wasting all those years trying only ruined my life more. At the start I read they would never change; I wish I’d cut out so many years ago.
I think you’re probably right it’s the same thing over and over again I just don’t get people who just want to cause problems for others then have the nerve to blame them for something they haven’t even done .
I have been married 27 years. My husband’s passive aggressive behavior has almost killed me literally. The past 3 years has been most emotionally stressed for me. Being treated for stress, anxiety, panic attacks, loss of weight, fighting depression, I couldnt handle his behavior and get well in my body. I. packed and ran for my life, my sanity, and a even a chance to save the marriage. The separation has been extremely painful especially with unanswered questions. I couldn’t figure out if I was crazy, didn’t understand my husband crazy-making behavior until one my girlfriends described my husband as passive aggressive. After coming across websites like this has given me a since of relie. Everything I’ve read about PAs fits my husband to a T. And i tried to get him
to take a look at the symptoms.However, instead of seeing it as a way for our relationship to get
better, he felt I was attacking him as PAs often do. It doesn’t matter what concerns or issues I try to discuss with him, gently or not, crying or not, he saw it as me attacking him, blaming him. He does not take responsibility or accountability for anything. He
completely shuts down on me and quietly punishes me or get back at me. 99% of the time he does not
communicate with me about anything. Only when he wanted something from me, he would communicate. Any concerns I had, he would totally ignore. It amazes me how he would stonewall
me. Not just for days but months! He totally detach himself from me with no intention or concern of
working through the problem. So I could never get him to show any concerns for my feelings, which
chips away at your self esteem. It said that i didnt matter. When in a corner, he would blatantly lie.
Present himself has calm but full of anger which i would later have to suffer the consequences through his undermining way. I would beg, plead, cry, pray, trying to get him to treat me right, trying to
get him to make this marriage work. Have asked him WHY countless times.. To no avail. We’ve gone to counseling twice in past 3 years. Each time he never finish. Two different therapist required work
from him. He didnt like that and stop going but yet said he would do anything to save marriage (lie)
He NEVER explained to me why he stopped going. Being exhausted emotionally, physically, I didn’t bother to ask why. It had gotten to be too much for me. His behavior was as if the counseling never
happened or existed. Much like how he’s treating me now. Together over 30 years and he has
discarded me like a piece of trash. Refusing to communicate with me. Taking every opportunity to be
spiteful to me. Ive learned because he doesn’t know how to deal with his anger, he cannot accept
responsibility or accountability, he only surround himself around those that do not hold him
accountable and thinks he’s the best thing since slice bread. He creates his own world that makes him comfortable.. In the relationship, either I had to accept him and his abusive behavior or jump
ship. I held on for as long as I could. Suffering with stress, in and out of ER, no reasoning with him,
absolutely emotionally exhausted. It seem the more I begged him, the worse he got. It was as if he
thrived on my misery. What happened to this man? … I had to decide whether I wanted to live or die. It
was THE HARDEST decision I have made in my life as my family is most important to me. However, abuse overt or covert is unacceptable. I never thought I would be in this place at this point of my life. My heart is still open to saving my marriage if my husband recognize his issue and seek help for it.
I know what you’re talking about it is exhausting and painful that someone who is ment to love you has no feelings for you at all .
What a horror. I hope you survived this ordeal 10 years ago.
The last part is so telling. The narcissist is now getting their “supply” off your negative energy/emotional response. The more you hurt, the better they feel about themselves. It’s just a game to them and you are nothing. You never were anything, even when they had you up on that pedestal at the start. It was all manipulation and pretend. Nothing real with them ever. It was always about power and control and winning.. for them. They literally view relationships as win lose. It’s so backwards even that at the end, if they aren’t hurting you, they feel like they’re losing, so they literally are compelled to hurt you so they can “win”. It has a very sadistic slant to it. Yes… the more they can frustrate you by denying your needs and your very reasonable relationship requests, the happier they will be! They’re in control. Look how powerful they are… you are just smaller and more ridiculous than an ant under their foot. Don’t miss the narcissistic smirk. That’s pure glee of having been a “MASTER ASSHOLE” and having fooled the victim into thinking that it’s them, they’re crazy and it’s their own fault (this caustic abuse) AGAIN! They’ll happily play this game till you are turned into dust. It’s highly entertaining for them. They’ll watch intently for your emotional hurt, your agony, and they absolutely get off on it. Sick. Evil. Toxic. Real as a heart attack.
My heart relates and aches at your story. May God help us.
Your story sounds like the same script so many of us have all been playing by with an SO who is passive aggressive in every aspect of their life and yours. I too have been married for 34 years and I too am standing at a place where the road is divided, one road to PA and the other to a more health way of doing life…ALONE. The choice isn’t easy and I’ve yet too make that choice. I feel ya, I feel all of your stories and ya know what I hold onto, myself. What else can ya do? God is already with you and that’s what you hold onto until YOU are ready for a life that’s not full of another person anger and frustration. And then we all could just laugh at the absurdity of the situation and keep on living and doing what you know is right and be happy with yourself and what you want from life, peace. Maybe these words will give another person validation and hope that it’s OK and you do have this, even with the PA telling you different. Sometimes I think GOD is laughing at us all, for we do amuse him, we have too. LOL
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My heart hurts and so relieved at the same time. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years, we have a 2yr old and this is exactly what I’ve been going through. He shuts down, blank stares, does not take accountability, unreliable but shows up. will mess up, do something wrong, never follows thru 100% (not based on perception but a fact) he will not feel or show any remorse. In fact, if I point it out or get upset because he promised he would do something and doesn’t then it’s my fault and he tells me that I just talk to much. I’ve asked, begged, pleaded, cried, got loud and angry, practically had panic attacks lately. he just stares at me and then will ask if I’m done talking and will turn around walk away as if I’m non-existent.?.?.?.?. I’ve asked politely “do I met your needs?” He responds, “no, not all.” Okay fair enough I say in a calm curious manner… “What needs do I not met?” He responded “I don’t know.” He really doesn’t know. His face his eyes say it all. It’s like you see the wheels turning and he is trying to think hard but nothing comes out. I know we are young (32 & 30) BUT for the past 4.5 years since we got engaged, even worse when we found out I was pregnant which he was onboard and we had tried for several months… He just got worse, his excuse was I can fend for myself. I have tried every different approach, suppressed my emotions, gave benefit of doubt, placed blame on myself to fix it and start over…. Nothing! it is the same pattern. Some where in me, I believe we could have a happy healthy marriage. I’m very realistic when it comes to relationships, I understand no two people are the same and compromise, take steps back to move forward, you fall in and out of love , it takes hard compassionate work…. I’ve noticed he is not like this around his parents especially his mother. I’ve also noticed that he is never given the opportunity to take responsibility or express full emotion when around them. It’s like I’m a third wheel! my daughter and I come last. The better of a wife I become, the better of a mother, the more I better myself the more he becomes distant as if he really doesn’t want this marriage. He has never Said that though even when given opportunities. Lately, endless opportunities. I’m not perfect and have my faults as a person but I have done tremendous growth and soul searching to gain more compassion and have more empathy. I am having a hard time with the advice given, accept him for who he is or leave. I can’t right now. I can’t stay in a relationship and suppress my emotions or look at him and not want better for him. As well as leave, on a certain level it’s silly. We don’t fight about “normal” marriage stuff. Jealousy, sexual commitment, finances, parenting style… We don’t fight/argue about those. Granted he is not the most forth coming when it comes to a plan of action generally it’s me that has to come up w a plan or goal but I even askbefore a decision is made, what do you think, any input, how do you feel…???? How do you cope with this without leaving or losing your integrity, values while staying? I’m exhausted
Has your life changed in 5 years?
I’ll assume that’s a rhetorical question?
She was obviously malleable and eager to fix things. She probably hung in there. She’s probably so broken now that she can’t even respond to inquiries. That’s the outcome of trying to “work a one sided relationship” with a “man child”.
Just facts.
My heart hurts and so relieved at the same time. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years, we have a 2yr old and this is exactly what I’ve been going through. He shuts down, blank stares, does not take accountability, unreliable but shows up. will mess up, do something wrong, never follows thru 100% (not based on perception but a fact) he will not feel or show any remorse. In fact if I point it out or upset because he promised he would do something and doesn’t then it’s my fault and he tells me that I just talk to much. I asked, begged, pleaded, cried, got loud and angry, practically had panic attacks lately and he just stares at me and then will ask if I’m done talking and will turn around walk away as if I’m non-existent.?.?.?.?. I’ve asked politely “do I met your needs?” He responds with, “no, not all.” Okay fair enough I say in a calm curious manner… “What needs do I not met?” I asked. He responded “I don’t know.” I know we are young (32 & 30) BUT for the past 4.5 years I have tried every different approach, suppressed my emotions, gave benefit of doubt, placed blame on myself to fix it and start over…. Nothing it is the same pattern. Some where in me, I believe we could have a happy healthy marriage. I’m very realistic when it comes to relationships, I understand no two people are the same and compromise, take steps back to move forward, you fall in and out of love , it takes work…. I’ve noticed he is not like this around his parents especially his mother. I’ve also noticed that he is never given the opportunity to take responsibility or express full emotion when around them. It’s like I’m a third wheel and my daughter and I come last. The better of a wife I become, the better of a mother, the more I better myself the more he becomes distant as if he really doesn’t want this marriage but has never and will never say that even when given opportunities. Lately, endless opportunities. I’m not perfect and have my faults as a person and in this relationship but I have done tremendous growth and soul searching since our daughter was born bc I wanted to make sure we gave her the ultimate opportunities for emotional and physical growth. I am having a hard time with the advice accept him for who he is or leave. I can’t right now. I can’t stay in a relationship and suppress my emotions or look at him and not want better for him. As well as leave, on a level it’s silly. We don’t fight about “normal” marriage stuff. Jealousy, sexual commitment, finances, parenting style… We don’t fight/argue about those. Granted he is not the most forth coming when it comes to a plan of action for these things and generally it’s me that has to come up w a plan or goal but I even askbefore a decision made, what do you think, any input, how do you feel…???? How do you cope with this without leaving or losing your integrity, values while staying?
You can’t meet his needs bc he is broken inside and no one can heal him. He doesn’t even know what or how he can be helped, all he knows is he is not happy. But you cannot heal him. And men typically don’t want to accept they are flawed and put in the therapy work. What I do with my PA is recognise that this is what he is. It comes from unmet emotional needs and childhood damage etc etc. he doesn’t do it deliberately. He does it out of instinct and survival and it’s very immature but they don’t know any other way to keep “in control”. Men want to be in power and have control – that’s how they are born. And they just do this behaviour as a natural instinct bc they can’t think of a more mature and evolved way of behaving – like women do! Try and focus on the good things about your husband. Realise he is not necessarily able to “be different” and won’t accept he has issues. But the truth is that we all have issues. You do too and they play out in different ways that you prob aren’t aware of. Living with someone is really hard for everyone. Few people are happily married and it’s always hard work and full of compromises and learning to understand your partner and how to work with them not against them. It’s going to conintue, the PA behaviour, but what can change is your perspective and seeing it for what it is rather than questioning yourself. Even knowing your husband is PA often makes people feel a lot better. Just keep working on it and don’t give up so young. Get some therapy for yourself to help you keep on track.
Well put he’s broken inside , I will use that thought in future and I know I can’t mend him but it’s so hard to think he’s got everything about me wrong I know I’m a nice person and if there was a another person that could hear how he talks to me they would be shocked , I don’t like to be told by him that I’m not good enough for him when he is disrespectful to me and a lot of people .
men? don’t make this a sex thing. My wife is passive agressive, by you turning it to say “all men don’t blah blah” makes you sound like an evil PA sexiest .
Wow: I have read your testimony. I feel like you wrote my life with my now ex-husband. I could take it anymore. He sucked all the joy out of my life. I to feel if he were to change I would take him back. Im not counting on it though. The one most crazy behaviors my ex husband had was. If I asked he him anything, his response was always NO. He meant Yes. In his head Yes was always the answer. Then a fight would occur cuz I could never understand the NO. He would say I never said that. So on and so on. I would turn and mouth to myself WTF. I was loosing who I was. I thought I was going crazy. My third child just graduated from high school. I feared what my life would have been like with just us. I did meet a man. I enjoyed his conversation a lot. Because it was normal. I did try for a year to get him to understand how I was feeling. I went online, read books, went to therapist, pastors. After awhile I could tell he had no interest. The covert abuse was rampant. I just ended the marriage. I feel stuck in my feelings. This was not what I wanted for myself. The is so much more. I feel I could write a book. It was an extremely hard decision. Good luck
Hopefully you’ve found your footing by now. Yes, good partners are forced to seek “emotional and even physical sustenance” elsewhere beyond their primary relationship. Because at home it’s just silent treatment, stone walls and barren landscape. It’s literally torture at home.
I read your history and thought you were describing my story. HOWEVER: my now ex-husband stopped having sex with me 20 years ago; stopped sleeping in the same room with me 16 years ago; lied about working; criticized my job (I supported the family x 24 years); stopped doing things as a family 8 years ago; started biking 6 years ago and forgot that he had a family; has not worked FT in 16 years; consulted even though his financial contribution was bare bones; belittled me in front of our daughter and his friends for years. Now we are divorced and he has yet to move his personal belongings out of the house; the basement and garage areas remain in a hoarding state. What my question is: WHY would I stay married to a person who is neither a man; a father or a husband for 24 years? Is it because we had a child? This male person was NOT a provider for his family; a mooch; a person who was not able to provide spiritual/ emotional/ intimacy/ financial efforts to a marriage.
I only say this out of empathy for you. Get out of the marriage. He isn’t EVER going to change. Best predictor of his future behavior is looking at his past. In all this time he isn’t even willing to admit he has a problem. I hate divorce-been thru it twice-I would never recommend it-but in your case I am sorry. For your own happiness and sanity-GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! of your marriage. Go find the happiness you deserve, it starts with getting out.
I would be very careful NOT to tell anyone to break up their marriage or their home, or their current existence. Everyone’s situation is different. Many of these situations are not only tolerable, but they can be improved upon.
I think I have a passive aggressive partner. I always thought it had been me through the years, or at least that’s what she’d tell me whenever I’d complain about something which I thought was inappropriate, and I believed her. So I’d read books, try self improvement courses, even visited and did CBT.
I believed her because when she met she always said she’d never lied EVER, so I respected her opinion. Only years later did tell me, she used to lie about things to upset me. Though she now denies she said that!
I didn’t do any of these “self-help” things before, it all started about 5-6 years of marriage, I used to be a normally happy guy. But since then I’ve had two break-downs (my own fault because I tried to play her at her own game, which just ended up as guilt and feeling bad for me BIG MISTAKE). And I now have no friends, I’ve been virtually removed from my family circle and I rarely see them, talking about them seems to raise an eyebrow and a dismissive ‘oh your family’.
And I’m constantly told it’s actually all my fault, I’m the one who had the break down. I’ve no doubt some is, but all of it?
I came from a very lovey family environment. We had problems of course, but hugging and generally sharing feelings was the norm. I thought that’s how it would be with my wife, but I feel foolish, hurt and I regret ever meeting her, but at the same time I love her!! She is a great mother, and at times a great wife.
Apart from the standard always 15-20 minutes late I get if I need a lift. I’m not willing to share too many things (there are a lot), but the biggest kick in the face for me was supposedly not performing well in bed. Then being told it’s not the best compared to others. The next day I confronted her on it and thought it was hurtful. “It was a joke, jesus, can’t you take a joke? That’s your problem, you just can’t take a joke. And what about all the things you say to me” on which I get a list on why I’m actually not a great person before going off in a huff because I’m getting angry (which is true, I used to rise to it). I’m the one then who ends up apologizing and still feeling frustrated because I got my feelings hurt without any acknowledgement:-S On this occasion, it was just that she’d been tired, so instead of just telling me that , I get punished with something I found quite hurtful. Even if it’s not true. Or is it? I’m not sure anymore. I just don’t have any confidence in myself to say ‘It’s like this?’ in fact, I’m already feeling guilty/nervous for sharing this.
Sorry, none of this really makes sense. I just feel a bit down today and I wanted to write it down somewhere.
Hey, At least you can get it off your chest, think about what makes you breathe again, to breathe again and be yourself.
I hope that you’ve survived this toxic witch.
That bit about not good in bed not as good as others was not a joke at all. That was intentionally cruelty on her part and essentially it was her admitting to her infidelity. She’s probably so confident at this point, because she’s doing it so much and you have probably picked up on it but you’re totally trauma bonded and in denial too, that she just hit you with it right on the chin. That was just evil. Then to minimize it and claim that you’re just unable to take a joke just too sensitive? !!!! WTF? No. She’s an absolutely covert malignant narcissistic psychopath. There is no love or respect in what you describe. She is literally “Just An Asshole”! And she’s probably had various strange mens cocks in her asshole too!
If they get away with their evil long enough… they often resort to such offhanded jokes. It’s literally their way of mocking you.
Similar story. Mine claimed that I take too long to cum from oral sex, which she claimed to like doing. She made a passing comment about how “Other guys don’t take that long to cum from oral”! It was a same for same situation. Ultimately I lost all respect for her and then I had no problems cumming in her mouth! Guess what? She then lost interest in giving oral sex because it was no longer an angle that she could use to make me feel like shit about myself. What she liked most about oral sex was opportunities to make me feel like I was a failure. My problem wasn’t inability to perform. That’s never a problem that I have had. My problem was loving and respecting this POS. Once I accepted her as a toxic, undermining, deceitful, manipulative POS… I enjoyed having her swallow and shooting on her face etc…. And then, no surprise, since the dynamics had changed, and since she did not want to give me pleasure(fact afterall), she suddenly lost all interest in oral sex!
I hope that you can laugh at all of this by now. They really are completely malevolent. I don’t mean to be harsh here in this graphic, because I do love and respect women. It’s just an absolute waste of time applying that to this type of creature. There’s no winning it or joy in these relationships… it’s not in the cards. They are T O X I C.
Simon
Thanks. You saved me trying to describe the contradictions of my relationship with my PA wife & my sanity perhaps. As I am trying to play my wife at her own PA game & going nuts.
I wish I didnt love her so much. I’m in trouble! lol or should that be Sh*******!
It’s not possible or even a good idea to try and play them at their own game. You can not possibly do so if you are neurotypical. You don’t think like they do. You have feelings. It’s quintessentially like going up against a professional firing squad with spit wads. Even if you hit them in the eyes, you are still DEAD, and they’re none the worse for it.
Running far and fast and going no contact is the only win you’ll ever get with these types. It’s your own sanity.
I’m 68 and have had a screwed up life. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m beyond that. I’m writing about my feelings, because I have been fooling myself with the thought of being a reasonably decent person, never intentionally setting out to cause angst. It is said everyone is looking for love. I have no memory of experiencing love as a child. I came from a dysfunctional family, and find it difficult to relate to love within relationships. My father’s nerves were shot with nervous anxiety on his return from WWII. He was a hard working man but totally devoid of emotion. My mom wore the “pants” around the house, and was the voice to be heard. Although quick to anger, I do recall an infrequent display of love or kindness. My father didn’t row. It was mom who usually hysterically shouted at dad. This has allowed me to develope a rather jaundiced outlook on women, as confrontational beings. It had been many years later when I realised her outbursts were out of sheer frustration with dad. I never had any girl friends, in spite of being well built six footer. There was nine years between me and my older brother. He too had his emotional problems and left home at 18 years old. He was a good brother to me and I can remember thinking to myself as a nine year old, that I will never see him again. I was right. He remained a bachelor until his death at age 51. My first wife walked out on me for her new found love after 12 years of marriage, and left me with my 12 year old son. She had a long string of broken relationships before she met me. She did not have a loving relationship with her own dad. In hind site this was probably a recipe for disaster from the word go, as we married only six weeks after first meeting. I think we both confused lust with love from the outset. A few months after my divorce I met my second (current) wife at a divorce & separates club. Her husband died and left her with two young kids. We were both lonely, and miserable, so we threw in together, to try and make a better life. We too married shortly after meeting. Bringing up her two and my one, was a challenging nightmare. Nobody really got on well together. I was emotionally ill equipped to deal with such a scenario. I struck my own son once for being out of line and immediately regretted it, and never laid a hand on anyone else since. They are grown up now. My blood son has a family of his own, but both step kids are in there 30’s and still single and are avowed to remain that way. My wife has always been hyper-sensitive, and has suffered with agoraphobia for the last 20 years. It was triggered by a car accident we were both in. In short there hasn’t been many laughs or good times, but I shouldn’t complain as many others are far worse off. I must count my blessings.
I just wanted to say that I admire your strength through difficult times and how you still count your blessings despite it all. That’s what I try to do too. It was eight years ago that you posted your message, I hope you are well now and life is treating you better. I’m struggling a bit myself at the moment hence why I’m reading everyone’s posts. I won’t leave my partner because I love my cat too much! Just a bit of advice for anyone thinking of leaving….I’ve done it once after an 18 year marriage and it’s not necessarily going to fix anything. If you do leave stay alone for a few years to find your feet and get to know yourself better, don’t go straight into a new relationships like I did. I have found myself in another difficult situation with someone selfish, hypocritical and irritable.
Wow…legit complaints from me are met by ” I never do anything right”….or….”you always want to argue”…. Or ….”I didn’t know”….or….”you are perfect but I’m not”…. Or….”that’s my business don’t worry about it”….or “why are you bringing that up” or………etc…..dishes sit in the sink for four days…but it’s my fault for making dishes when I cook…..laundry sits in and on the dryer but it’s, “thorn why don’t you take them out”….but she did the laundry….student loans in default after she waited for seven years to address the issue although I told her that procrastinating would led to default and effect our ability to buy a home….her response….why are you bringing up the past…..wtf do I do?…. I’m frustrated and ready to cash out?
In the exact same boat, sounds JUST like my wife. WOW. I’m thinking about whether to cash out now as we’re about to buy a house together
Woke up today to wet glasses stacked on top of wet dishes….wet containers stacked on wet containers…clothes stacked on dryer…all things discussed ad nauseim. Wish I would have paid more attention before having a child with her…I would be out otherwise.
Only a passive aggressive person would counter every point and reverse everything. A discussion on how she treats me as a man and projects her anger onto me is countered with “you leave dirty spoons on the counter.” Idiot.
Wow! I read the help for passive aggressive couples and how to help him. The advice is to give him more down time and praise him for what he does do. Honey, I’ve tried the praise routine. I’ve given him space to relax and decompress an do what needs to get done at his leisure. He never gets done. Right now I am looking at my lawn that hasn’t been mowed in two weeks. I haven’t mowed it, which I normally do just because it has to get done and isn’t worth the hassle. I’ve suggested it. I have said nothing and still it’s like anything else. It doesn’t get done.
We were working on paving stones two weeks ago. Of course it has to be done with me here or he won’t do it. I praised him, said wow don’t you feel good, isn’t it amazing and so forth. It still isn’t finished because it’s waiting for him to cut some stones. He only worked part time this week as in 16 hours, I worked two jobs. Plus housework. And I still managed to lay down some of the stones.
Ok sorry, some of that is venting. Seriously, this man is making me crazy. He’s 48 years old. I have no clue he can’t hold a job, he can’t do the most basic of household chores, I am lucky if he feeds the dogs which is about the only thing I can count on. Putting out water for them is a 50/50. It’s like living with a preteen and I don’t have children. But I have heard from people and have lots if nieces and nephews to hear those conversations.
Here’s my thoughts grow up and put on your big boy pants or please get out. He’s making me sick. I am tired and I can’t keep up the pace. I have to clean up after him too. Plus work all the time.
Get out now cos it only will get worse and your health will suffer.
My husband and I have known each other for over 20 years. When we met as teenagers, (What do teenagers know, right) I thought he was my soulmate. He was so gentle, kind and considerate. His sole purpose was to make me happy, and I felt the same way. Now, it seems like he is a different person. It’s always someone else’s fault; He can’t take criticism; He will say one thing, do another and then defend how I either interpreted what he said or what he did wrong. It is frustrating and heartbreaking to deal with this type of confusion and uncertainty and he seems to be totally ambivalent to the situation. This leads me to question whether he really loves me or is just playing some sort of emotional hokey pokey with my feelings. Almost like he is testing me to see how much I can endure before calling it quits, so he can cluelessly say “What happened.” ” I had no idea you were so unhappy.” ” Did I do something to make you feel this way.” I’m so confused because I feel this is not the person that I fell in love with. To his credit, we have gone to several counselors; however, things will get better for a week and then he reverts back to his old behaviors. I’m emotionally exhausted. Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
It sounds like he is depressed. He may or may not know why. He may well be a different person to who you married bc we were all young and full of hope and ambition. At his age he’s reached his peak. He has to accept that and maybe that’s hard. Maybe he takes it out on you. But it doesn’t mean it’s your fault or anything to do with you. We can’t fix other people. They have to do it themselves and men rarely do. Just look after yourself. Find your own happiness. Just don’t flaunt it in front of him. Use humour to relax tense situations.
As I read all of your responses, the one resounding thought in my head is “my god, they are describing my wife to a TEE!”. Ive been married for 13 years now, and have 2 young children. In the beginning my wife was affectionate, loving, and fun to be with. We lived together for a year before we got married. It was literally from the day after we were wed that her passive aggressive behavior started. After our wedding she stopped holding my had, we took both our immediate families out to dinner and she sat her niece in between us. The I noticed that she began to with hold sex, stopped touching me, and never talked with me about anything. The she started giving me an attitude whenever I asked her to do anything, and even managed to screw up even the most menial task. When I tried to express my feelings, I would me wet with either a blank stare, rolling of the eyes, or she would simply stare off to the side and say nothing, or “whatever”. I was going crazy because I could not figure out what the problem was. We went to couples therapy, and all of a sudden she was a waterfall of emotion, where I was the bad guy, and she told lie upon lie. I swear, I didn’t know who this women was. I tried to stick it out after the birth of our 2 children, but things just kept getting worse. It became clear that she had absolutely no regard for my feelings. And no matter what I said to her she would either come up with some excuse or blame me for it. Nothing was ever her fault. I spoke recently, to a psychologist friend about this and she said that my wife seems like an extreme passive aggressive. I didn’t know exactly what a passive aggressive was until I followed her direction and did some research. My wife and I have not slept in the same bed in years, we have zero intimacy, and no communication. She is also an extreme procrastinator, when we first met she was working on her PHD, 2 years ago I found out that she had let her research lapse to the point where it was no longer valid, I flipped out over that. I sent her to school to do medical transcription, and she did that for a while until she slacked off and got fired, I paid for her to go back to college to get a teaching degree, only to find out that she had taken the last 3 semesters off. Having finally seen the futility of trying to change her or work things out I have decided that my mental health and sanity must come before my desire to keep my family together, and am now seeking a divorce.
You are making the right decision. I wish I had done the same, It will drain you to the point of no longer caring about anything.
I am sorry your journey has been so painful. I hope understanding these dynamics will console you a little bit.
Wow, I can not believe what I am reading. It fits my husband to a T. Ive been married almost 20 years , and have been confused and upset for so long. Just knowing I”m not crazy helps.
I, too, am in this situation with my husband. I’ve spent the last 10 years battling him, and I’m so tired. I slipped into a deep depression. I went on medication to help me deal with passive suicidal ideation. My physical health has deteriorated. Now I just want him out. I feel guilty because I think he will honestly end up homeless, but I can’t let my 7 year old daughter grow up thinking this is normal. At least now I might be able to stop questioning myself: my perceptions, my observations, my motivations, and my sanity–all because he refuses to acknowledge that *he* might have a problem. Thank you for that. Thank you to all you beautiful people who shared your stories. I am absolutely overwhelmed to know that I am NOT crazy, and it’s not “just me”.