Ellyn Bader

monks_mondalaEach year I enjoy a special weekend attending the Wisdom 2.0 conference with Pete, our daughter, Molly, and some other special friends. A second pleasure of the Conference is reviewing my notes and sending some insights to you.

A central theme explored by this conference is how do we live with wisdom, awareness and compassion in the digital age?

In our high tech world, monks creating sand mandalas are a striking contrast, demonstrating the practice of connecting with every moment.

Since Pete and I presented a workshop this year, I did not attend quite as many talks as usual. However, there were a few highlights definitely worth sharing.

Richard Davidson, neuroscientist and founder of the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds,  gave an early talk that started off with his unique humor, “My mind is like a bad neighborhood –  I try not to go there alone.”

His life work as a neuroscientist at the University of Wisconsin’s Center for Investigating Healthy Minds has been geared towards learning how to cultivate well-being.

He strongly believes that well-being can be learned and that we can cultivate tools to enhance it.

He reported on several studies including his findings showing that experience can impact how genes are expressed. One study investigated the effects of a day of intensive mindfulness practice in a group of experienced meditators. After eight hours of mindfulness practice, the meditators showed a range of genetic and molecular differences, including altered levels of gene-regulating machinery and reduced levels of pro-inflammatory genes, which in turn correlated with faster physical recovery from stressful situations.

He stated that one of his most controversial findings is that humans come into the world with innate basic goodness and that even six-month old infants show preferences for warm-hearted encounters.

Recently he is learning that compassion is not fixed and that training compassion skills can enable people to approach those who are suffering with more empathy. You might want to check out a summary of one of his recent studies at Cultivate Compassion.

In order to avoid making this newsletter unbearably long, I’ll share just a few quotes and ideas from some other speakers you may recognize.

Sherry Turkle, professor, author, consultant and researcher, gave a talk that was filled with thoughtful one-liners:

  1. People become uncomfortable if left alone with their thoughts for six minutes.
  2. Texting itself is fine. It is what texts are doing to our conversations in person that matter.
  3. A phone –  just sitting on a table –  interferes with empathic connection. The presence of a device means our attention is divided. Sherry suggests a 7-minute rule: allow at least 7 minutes to see how a conversation will unfold with no devices present.
  4. And one of her favorite lines, which I have heard and shared before: “Learn to tolerate the boring bits in life.”

Eileen Fisher, the women’s fashion guru, discussed her evolution as she realized that “the fashion business is the second largest polluter in the world” and then recognized the need to move her business towards sustainability. What you might particularly like about her talk is her open commitment to psychotherapy. She described her evolution from shy child to becoming a leader in the fashion industry. She shows her commitment to growth by encouraging and paying for all her employees to do deeper personal work. She also has an unusual policy of paying $5.00 for any previous purchase to be returned and recycled.

Peter Pearson and Ellyn Bader. Pete and I were honored to present a workshop this year. I’ll summarize a few of our main points that an audience member might pick out and remember, as I have done with these other presenters.

Our topic was “Lessons for Marriages from Businesses that Succeed and Fail.” We started with 3 reasons businesses fail. Failure to:

  1. Learn from Past Experience
  2. Adapt to Changing Circumstances in Present
  3. Anticipate Probable Future Problems and to Plan Accordingly

And in contrast to that we discussed what it means to succeed as a couples team. We defined a couples team to be: two highly interdependent individuals working towards mutually agreed upon goals with partners holding themselves individually accountable for reaching that goal.  And then we looked more deeply into 4 commitments that effective couples make. To become an effective couples team means you make commitments to:

  1. Stand up for your principles and what you believe in.
  2. Talk and take the time that is needed to solving problems without collapsing, blaming or shaming.
  3. Be open, honest, and vulnerable.
  4. Learn to tolerate the tension that inevitably arises when two strong individuals pursue a joint vision.

These commitments enable couples to pursue their vision, increase the strength of their teamwork, while being trustworthy in an ongoing way.

The Wisdom 2.0 Conference organizers do a nice job of creating a program of experts and celebrities alike. I love learning from them all and it’s always a pleasure to review the time and share some gems with you.

Please comment below if you have some thoughts to share on living with wisdom, awareness and compassion in the digital age.

About 

Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., is Co-Founder & Director of The Couples Institute and creator of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Ellyn is widely recognized as an expert in couples therapy, and since 2006 she has led innovative online training programs for therapists. Professionals from around the world connect with her through internet, conference calls and blog discussions to study couples therapy.

Ellyn’s first book, "In Quest of the Mythical Mate," won the Clark Vincent Award by the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists for its outstanding contribution to the field of marital therapy and is now in its 18th printing. She has been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News," and she has been quoted in many publications including "The New York Times," "The Oprah Magazine" and "Cosmopolitan."

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Kathleen Hancox Izzo, Hypnotherapist, Ogunquuit, Maine
Kathleen Hancox Izzo, Hypnotherapist, Ogunquuit, Maine
6 years ago

Ellyn,

Thanks so much for sharing!

Kind regards,

Kathy

Sandra Nix M.A. LMFT
Sandra Nix M.A. LMFT
6 years ago

Thank you for the wisdom of the definition of “Couples Team”.
I am also glad your book ” In Quest for the Mythical Mate” is in it’s 18th publishing. It has
acted as a springboard for many a marital session with much positive outcomes.
Light and Love
Sandra

Linda Jenks, MFT, Menlo Park, CA
Linda Jenks, MFT, Menlo Park, CA
6 years ago

SO generous of you to take the time and to be willing to share your thoughts and notes w/us!! Sounds like SUCH a WONDERFUL conference; a good integration of many of the different aspects of and ‘disciplines’ that contribute to the Wisdom — that I believe is such a huge part of our “well-being” as individuals and in relationship. And wow, fm the outline of your and Peter’s workshop, looks like you contributed to the overall theme in a way that is not only uniquely insightful and enriching, but also is typical of the work you two do!! Thank you thank you!!

Mike Lacinak
Mike Lacinak
6 years ago

Dear Ellyn,

Thank you for your generosity. I loved Richard Davidson’s finding about innate basic goodness and preference for warm hearted encounters. Just back from the beginning of a workshop on trauma and attachment, Diane Poole Heller’s Dare 4 taught by Patti Elledge and the idea was presented that the heart gets encrusted with layers of conditioning that blocks our fundamental point of light/radiance of being. And that we are wired for secure attachment. I’m ready to hang out with a 6 month old!

Gloria Lee, LMFT, La Canada, CA
Gloria Lee, LMFT, La Canada, CA
6 years ago

Dear Ellyn:
Again! Thank you, thank you for sharing your expertise and time in helping us all become more informed and compassionate therapists

A Glossary of Terms that are sometimes Confusing

Couples Therapy is a counseling procedure that seeks to improve the adjustment of two people who have created an interdependent relationship. There are no standard procedures to help two people improve their adjustments to each other. Generally, a more experienced therapist will offer more perspectives and tools to a couple. Length of treatment will depend on severity of problems, motivation and skills of the therapist. A couple can be dating, living together, married or separating and may be gay, lesbian or heterosexual.

Marriage Therapy is a term often used interchangeably with marriage counseling. The term marriage implies two people have created a union sanctioned by a government or religious institution. The methods used in marriage counseling, marriage therapy and couples therapy are interchangeable and depend more on the specific challenges of each unique couple.

Psychotherapy is one or more processes to help improve psychological and emotional functioning. Examples are psychoanalysis, cognitive therapy, behavior therapy, Gestalt therapy, Transactional Analysis, Rational-Emotive therapy, or group therapy. Many forms of psychotherapy are blends of different approaches. For example, newer forms of psychotherapy called energy psychology draw upon recent advances in brain and neuroscience. These approaches often build on cognitive behavioral methods.

Clinical Psychologist. After graduating from college, it usually takes about five years of graduate school to get a Ph.D. in Psycholgy. It then requires an additional two years of supervision and passing a written (and often) an oral exam. There are a few states that allow psychologists to prescribe medications (with additional training) but that is uncommon.

Psychiatrist. After graduation from medical school, there is a generally a 4-year psychiatric residency. After the completion of this training, psychiatrists must pass an exam issued by the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology to obtain certification and legally practice in the field. Psychiatrists can prescribe medications.

Clinical Social Worker. This profession usually requires two years of study after obtaining an undergraduate degree. While specific licensure requirements vary by state, most require clinical social workers to obtain 3,000 hours or 2 years of supervised clinical experience, after obtaining a Masters degree. Social workers can also specialize in diverse fields such as human services management, social welfare analysis, community organizing, social and community development, and social and political research.

Marriage and Family Therapist. Obtaining this license requires a Masters degree which takes approximately two years of post graduate study. The license also requires 3000 hours of supervised work and passing written exams.

The Couples Institute. We have assembled a group of top notch therapists at The Couples Institute. Whatever marriage help or marriage advice you are looking for, we are here to serve you. While most other therapists see only a few couples a week, we specialize in marriage and couples relationships, working to develop and bring you the most current and effective approaches to couples therapy. For more information about couples therapy or marriage counseling, see our couples therapy section.