For this blog, I’d like to address a common challenge in couples therapy:  how to confront a betrayed partner who remains in a victim position long after infidelity has been revealed.

This situation is hard for therapists because the client seems to be a “legitimate victim” of outrageous behavior, when the spouse has had a long-term affair or lied in destructive ways.

When I’ve surveyed therapists about stuck infidelity cases, they  expressed it like this.

• How do I help each partner recognize their role in the dynamic that contributed to the deception?
• How do I deal with the deceived person possibly “using the betrayal for leverage or punishment”?
• How do I manage the justified hurt and anger that keeps the deceived partner locked up, unchanging and making movement impossible?

Let’s take the situation where sessions often begin with the betrayed spouse complaining about lack of change. You’ve worked with the couple long enough to see changes and real commitment from the partner who lied and had the affair.

What you have not seen yet is any movement in the partner who was betrayed. They remain upset, defensive and attacking.

A session might begin like this, with the betrayed husband saying, “We've been coming to see you for a long time and I’m still mad. Suzie isn’t changing. She’s not doting on me, she’s not showing her love enough, and she doesn’t understand how wronged I was. I don't think we're getting anywhere.”

I’m going to present a transcript that demonstrates a series of interventions that you might use to begin confronting the “wronged” partner. All of these are addressed to that partner on a day when you’ve decided it’s time to begin confronting their resistance to focusing on themselves.

Ellyn: So when you think about the state of your marriage it's painful. And you feel a lot of emotions including anger, fear, and despair. It really feels to you that your wife isn't putting in any substantial effort.

Husband: I've been trying and I don't see the effort on her part.

Ellyn: What I'd like to do today is talk some more about your part, and I know that's going to be especially hard because right now you want me to be talking about Suzie's part.

Husband: Yes. I feel like I've done everything I can and I feel like I'm not even the one that should change.

Ellyn:  So let me ask you this. What are the biggest changes that you've made since we started working together?

Husband: (avoids the question)

Ellyn: You mentioned your loyalty, but what about changes in yourself that you've actually made?

Husband: (Avoids the question again and complains about his wife)

Ellyn: Well, I have a really, really, really tough question for you. How open are you today to talking about what I see you doing that's getting in your way?

Husband: I'm very open.

Ellyn: So let’s put this on a 1 to 10 scale. Where are you, with 10 being you're super open and 1 being not open at all?

Husband: Well, I want my marriage to work, so I'm about a 5 and higher if you ask Suzie the same question.

Ellyn: I will because the fact that Suzie could lie to you for so long tells us that she’s got more work to do. There's no question about that.  However, I want to find a way that we can spend one session focusing on you and your side. It's often a lot harder for the person in your shoes to see what's on your side.

So given that you're about a 5, I have a feeling that I won’t get very far. When I start talking about your part you will probably say, “But, what about her? She did the bigger wrong.”  To really get through this, we need to find a way for me to describe your role without having you feel like you have to defend yourself and remind me and Suzie what she did wrong.

Husband: That isn’t going to be easy without me getting testy.

Ellyn: You can get a little testy, but when you get to the place of being too testy or you're shutting down or you're not listening or not able to hear what I'm saying, it's not going to be valuable. So will you put your hand up and alert me when you start feeling too testy?

Husband: Okay.

Ellyn: Okay, great. Thank you. Take a deep breath and let me know when you are ready to hear something that may be hard for you to hear.

Husband: Okay. I am ready.

Ellyn: One of the things that I notice is that it is hard sometimes for me to know who you are. You talk a lot about your wife and are always vigilant about her behavior. It’s actually like you are  inside her skin a lot more of the time than inside your own skin. Do you know what I mean by that?

Husband: (Getting a little agitated) Well, what do you mean I'm in her skin all the time?

Ellyn: Are you still with me? Do I need to slow down?

Husband: I’m okay for a little longer.

Ellyn: What I mean is that it is hard to know you. You focus so much on your wife, always on pursuing her, going after her, talking about her lack of change. And there is very little sense that you live inside your own skin, that you live in your own boundaries. I’m not sure how much you know your own wishes, and your own desires as a person separate from how you want your wife to be.

I understand why you do it. You got really, really badly hurt and so you're vigilant around whether she going to lie again and whether she is going to hurt you again. Your focus is so much on her that you're losing connection with yourself.

Husband: Possibly.

Ellyn:  How's the level of testiness right now, are you doing okay or not?

Husband: Both. I feel defensive but you're making me think.

Ellyn: Okay. Stay with your thoughts and tell me one of your thoughts.

Husband: Well, you say that I'm too into her world, into her skin, but it's for me. It's for my healing.

Ellyn: Yet you rarely allow her or me to know you beyond this wound. I’d like to know more about who you are, what you care about, how you want to spend your time. You rarely talk from your own passions.  

Husband: I want my wife to love me more.

Ellyn: I know you do.

Husband: Like she loved him. Like I saw evidence. I saw the evidence.

Ellyn: I know you saw some hot texts going back and forth and that's lust, that's not love.

Husband: Well, she said love.

Ellyn: We’ve probably gone about as far as we can today on this. I’d like to sum up though.

It feels like love when somebody has an affair, and it's got all the intensity that comes with secrecy and newness. There are lots of ways that it feels like love, but it isn’t love. Love is something that deepens over time. It's something that happens between two people when they build a life together. It's something that happens when two people get to know each other on a deeper level. That’s exactly why I am talking to you about helping you know yourself better, about you getting back into your own skin.

Husband: I guess it's hard for me because what I saw in that email is what I want from her.

Ellyn: Sure, absolutely. I hear the sadness in your voice as you say that. You want it really, really badly. And it’s hard to trust that it will ever happen if you take the focus off your pursuit for that.

I am hoping when you go home this week you will allow yourself to focus on what I said. I am not saying this to make you wrong, but to give you a different path to the outcome you are seeking.

Comments
Please comment below and share your thoughts on any of these questions.

1. What is your assessment of the couples developmental stage?
2. Why am I saying what I said to the husband?
3. What interventions enabled you to learn about beginning confrontation?
4. How do you confront the same problem?