Let’s tackle partners who make outrageous narcissistic or entitled demands on their partner or on you.

When demands are delivered aggressively, partners don’t know how to say, “I am hurting and desperate.” Instead their pain is expressed in an unreasonable attack.

They are insisting you focus on the partner without involving themselves in the next steps of the solution.

Here’s one way I train therapists to approach these moments of attack.

If you focus on the attacking partner immediately, you will only make things worse.

If you comply and start trying to change the attacked partner, you will have surrendered control of the session to the angry one.

So, here is one approach based on principles from the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy.

First and foremost, you want to maintain a strong leadership position instead of being reactive.

Second, you want to address the necessity for growth and development in each partner. Neither can do it alone. Their growth will require risk and vulnerability.

You might say this to the couple.

OK, let’s step back for a few minutes and look at a bigger picture.

Couples therapy is challenging. It takes risk. It takes openness. It takes looking at uncomfortable and ineffective parts of ourselves.

Some couples come in saying they want couples therapy, but they are not ready for it. They then feel bad when couples therapy does not meet their hopes or expectations.

Basically, couples therapy works best when two people create targeted growth goals and they hold themselves individually accountable for reaching those goals. The most effective goals target change in areas of repeating pain or stuckness.

Now I recognize this is not easy. It requires each of you to put forth sustained effort with a fresh focus. It means moving past layers of self-protection and taking multiple emotional risks.

Sustaining change isn’t easy. It means recognizing the moments you each do something different. It means risking saying something like, “Today I feel so desperate that I just want to clobber you. I don’t know how to tell you how much pain I am experiencing right now. But, I’m telling you instead of clobbering you.”

The more emotionally armored or self-protective you are at any given moment, the more you will want the other to change without you encouraging the change you so desperately want.

That is normal. Not healthy. Just normal.

However, just showing up here does not mean you are ready for couples therapy. It’s like buying a membership to an expensive gym and just standing in the doorway – observing and then feeling bad because you are not getting in better shape.

So here’s the really crucial question: do you think you are ready for the emotional challenge ahead of you?

This means you will support each other in creating a better relationship. It means you will let me stretch you. It means you will put forth the effort to improve your reactions when you are triggered instead of just focusing on what your partner is doing. You will look for ways to praise progress instead of waiting for perfection. It means you will let me coach and guide you even when it is uncomfortable. It means all of us working together.

So, what do you think?

Are you ready?

Why or why not?

The Developmental Model provides a tremendous framework for therapy. It allows you to expertly lead couples through these kinds of outrageous demands and into a more satisfying relationship.

If you’ve ever felt flustered, frozen, or had your confidence shaken during a session, I’m hosting a series next month called What Do You Say When^TM…?

We’ll cover: 

• A partner refuses to be accountable for the problems they create
• Clients fight, blame and proclaim “I’ll only change if you change first.”
• One partner insists, “I’m not important. I don’t matter to you.”
• One partner feels like an unlovable victim
• What to do when clients say “We can’t communicate!” (but the problem is much bigger)

This is a rare opportunity to get immediate, practical advice from experienced therapists who have been there and handled that. You can join this free, transformative series by signing up below.