Thoughtful. I am happy to follow this discussion. No need to bring a political commentator (Rush Limbaugh) in on the conversation. It is a distraction.

This is great. It brings to mind both Sue Johnson’s withdrawer/withdrawer style of relationship. Would you ever speak to the couple about exactly what you’re seeing here, and about the opportunity missed by maintaining this degree of self- protection?

Very good and clear presentation, thank you. As a point of clarification, I think it was Meryl Streep not Diane Keaton in Kramer vs. Kramer:)

I really enjoyed this method of teaching and look forward to learning how to be a better confront hypocrisy. Ditto on the Rush Limbaugh comment. Distracting, Unnecessary and not helpful.

I thought this presentation was excellent! This problem is very common in couples so I really appreciate the way you are breaking it down into more understandable and manageable parts. Particularly emphasizing the regressive stance the hypocrite takes as a way to not take accountability. I also found the examples very helpful too. As to the Rush comment, I thought it was a great example of someone who is a narrow thinker….
I am looking forward to learning more!

Well I certainly hit a nerve with some of you on the Rush Limbaugh comment. I welcome the confrontation, because I learn from it. I selected Rush not because he is right or wrong but because he is a well-known example of someone who thinks from one perspective.

Hi Ellyn, thanks for the breakdown of the four main developmental issues couples face. I can never get enough perspectives on this important theme. I also appreciate your deepening of how we can work with hypocrites, especially having just had a couple where he was so entitled, yet his self-perception was that he was overly conceding, similar to the example you gave. Sheeeesh! It’s a fine line about how to challenge this. One teacher recommends having at least 3 concrete examples to back up our case, and, as you said, for us therapists to do it from a grounded-enough stance. It’s a challenge for me to tease out what’s my own reactivity or really useful clues I’m picking up about their hypocrisy.

Thank you for this very informative video! I loved how it was broken down and explained. I DO find hypocracy quite often in working with couples. I’m looking forward to future material on this topic. Great stuff!

Here is what another reader said:
This blog is a timely one for me as I track interventions with a couple who are almost gridlocked in a power struggle over accomodation to the husband’s childhood deprivation and possible neurological handicaps. The husband justifies his critical demands and his refusal to express appreciation for his wife’s efforts by arguing that he is too incapacitiated by autism spectrum deficits, while his wife, who has been very lonely in the marriage but also compassionate and accomodating, is now tuning out some of his demands in order to maintain her own sense of autonomy. She is willing to follow through on a behavioral contract to do a daily task that is important to him, in exchange for him giving her the emotional acknowledgement that she longs for, a simple compliment on anything he chooses. His defense–this behavior is not part of his nature, not who he is, and his compliment would be meaningless.
He argues that what she asks for and what he asks for from her are two very different things, and he doesn’t get the logic that they are both behaviors that require some conscious effort, but are nonetheless do-able.
I am acknowledging his experience of loss and discomfort with his diffrerences, which he masks with learned social behaviors for successful functioning at work. I also support the ways in which they might expand their sense of connection in the marriage: I notice outloud the ways in which he and his wife share core values about childrearing and gender equality. And I highlight the brief moments when he expresses appreciation for his wife’s efforts to please him after I challenge his minimizing and discounting.
I have been frustrated by his rigid insistence on regression, while also recognizing that it stems from painful differences, isolation, feelings of helplessness and shame. Does it make sense to confront him more directly?

As usual, I have listened to the video later than most. Still, I found the hypocrisy issue to be both thought provoking and helpful. I have been thinking about these concepts in regards to a couple with whom I am working in which both have utilized justifications for their regressive behaviors, just as Ellyn has described. The husband has justified his withdrawal from his wife and has recently justified his inviting another woman (with whom he apparently came close to but did not consummate an affair with) into his life that he rationalizes as being due to his wife’s angry tirades and neglect. He made few efforts to understand his wife’s emotions or the legitimate issues underlying her anger and withdrawal. The wife has justified her angry tirades and withdrawal due to her husband’s withdrawal from her and has felt helpless in dealing with his significant depression. They have both lived in a very deadened and despairing relationship for many years until things hit ‘rock bottom’ and they came to therapy. I have noticed a shift in myself, based on my participation in the couple’s training, where my interactions have changed dramatically. I am not so much pursuing what I used to regard as ‘depth.’ In its place, I am much more actively giving support to each member of the couple for assuming responsibility for their own behaviors with one another rather than relying on their past denial and blaming. I was just recently surprised to hear that the couple rededicated themselves during a recent wedding anniversary to staying in and improving their marriage. I do believe that I can use the concepts regarding hypocrisy to further aid them in their growth.