What does it take to become really effective working with problems of infidelity?

This fall my brain has been in conference teaching mode. Pete and I  recently returned from the Imago Conference in Vancouver, Canada.  We really enjoyed our time interacting with the International Imago community and especially a dialogue we had with Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt-Hendrix after our keynote talk.  A hot topic was how soon to ask a couple to begin interacting with each other vs the therapist maintaining more control by talking individually with each partner.

And, now with the Infidelity Conference only 9 days away that topic remains particularly relevant. What does it really take for a therapist to work well with couples after infidelity has been revealed? Are there special skills that can be identified and taught?

Reflecting on that, Pete and I say yes, theory can be learned and interventions can be practiced. But also there is personal development and resilience in the therapist that is required.

I remember my first experience seeing a couple dealing with infidelity. The wife was enraged and obsessing about every detail. I was young, not married yet, and inexperienced with couples. All I could think every time I saw them was, “Am I up for this? Shouldn’t they be seeing someone older and wiser than I am?” And in retrospect, someone who had more of the personal/emotional development in our continuum below probably would have served them better.

I’d like to share with you our initial thoughts about the capacities of personal development for therapists and hope you will add your experience and brainstorm along with us.

1. Tolerates intense interactions in the office without intervening when it is mostly to calm self.
2. Manages own anxiety and takes charge in an active way, providing leadership.
3. Recognizes how personal experiences with infidelity in our own lives may impact our interventions with a particular couple. Is not afraid to address this squarely with self.
4. Recognizes own moral judgments and manages those without imposing them on the partners.
5. Identifies and recognizes intense emotional ambiguities.
6. Elicits expression of complex feelings and does not put pressure on partners to prematurely resolve these feelings by finding a black or white solution. Is able to resist the call for too rapid resolution.
7. Resists the urge to insist that terminating the affair is a requirement for therapy to take place. If the “betrayer” lies to the spouse, they will lie to you and feel even worse about the therapy because of their increasing amount of deception.
8. Holds two realities: that of each partner. Facilitates a deep understanding of each partner’s understandable reality.
9. And finally, is not afraid to get consultation or make a referral if a particular couple is too tough or is triggering too many of our own issues. This is not failure or inadequacy. It is honestly acknowledging our own limitations!

So, what do you think? What did we forget? Also, we welcome personal stories of your own evolution through the quagmire of becoming an exceptional therapist for couples with Infidelity.

I’ll share more next month from my experience at the Infidelity Conference. Better yet, click the link to learn more and come to the conference if you’re in the area.

We help couples struggling with infidelity in Menlo Park, San Francisco, San Mateo, Redwood City, San Jose, Campbell and the surrounding areas.