In my last post, I shared 4 key insights that can help you lay the groundwork for counseling couples who shy away from conflict.
In looking at the challenges posed by this pattern, it’s clear that conflict avoidance reveals itself in many ways. Your first clue may be the long, tense silences that follow when you pose honest questions. Or the fact that one partner tends to dominate the conversation, offering lengthy explanations that gloss over the issues you’re trying to explore.
Whatever pattern you’re seeing, you will benefit from having a strong strategy that addresses the couple’s unique situation and helps them move forward.
Addressing fear of conflict, step by step
Here are 4 core principles for dealing with conflict and intensity in couples therapy that I have shared in countless workshops. Rather than thinking of them as being in a fixed sequence, you might approach them as benchmarks in your work with partners who are afraid to explore their differences.
- Test each partner’s capacity for differentiation. Can both partners articulate their own thoughts, feelings, wishes, and desires with relative confidence? This ability is quite limited in long-term conflict-avoidant couples. In explaining what brought them to you, do they use “I” statements, making their feelings known? (For a quick refresher on differentiation in couples therapy, take a look at this article.)
- Help partners ask each other over and over again about their thoughts, feelings, and desires. This new habit will require constant practice, since partners must overcome the tendency to project or back away from any intense conversation that may expose disagreements.
- As the intensity builds, help partners stay in the developmental tension. Offer continuous reassurance as the couple learns to recognize, but not overreact, to the feelings that arise when they differ.
- Help partners bring tough issues to the surface. As they learn to feel safe when tension rises, they will gradually find the courage to face their disagreements. Ideas that can lead to healthy new ways of relating will emerge as partners practice the skills you are teaching and modeling.
- Plant your feet. You will need to slow the interaction down so that the couple will not move away from the feeling of intensity before they can experience it and learn to tolerate it.
- Frame strong reactions as signs of progress. This might mean saying, “I think your tears (or your silence or your angry words) mean we are getting closer to an important issue. It may feel hard, but this is a good sign.”
- Invite feelings and desires to surface and linger in the room. Affirm that both partners have permission to be vulnerable together because they are actively creating a safe space for each other.
- Spend more time with one partner during a session, when that makes sense. Freeing yourself to do this will allow you to delve deeper into individual patterns that must be addressed. You can also offer greater encouragement for a partner whose fears are especially strong.
- Model the ability to speak one's truth. Stating your own personal observations in clear, thoughtful ways will help partners learn how to express their own feelings and beliefs.
The 4 essential principles and techniques seem insuperable to me, congratulations for what you have achieved and for sharing your experiences with us. I am not a couple’s therapist, but in my work I frequently have had to do with families, children and teachers, which includes parents (couples), although often separated. I think it could be good to keep in mind that usually avoidance conflicts go beyond the couple and tend to be social avoidant conflicts and are much more evident in what people are silent than what they say to each other and in what they project. When the therapist is genuine, respects the other as different and tries to make the encounter as close as possible to what each one really is instead of remaining at the level of everyday life, and what is traditionally considered correct, communication is guaranteed and it may be halfway between counter culture and conservatism but certainly a mix of philosophy, religion and therapy.
Jose