I think every couples therapist or coach  knows that moment when…

You ask your couple what they want to accomplish and you see their eyes drift off toward the ceiling.
You ask what’s motivating them and the silence gets heavy.
You ask what’s holding them back and defenses rise like shields in a medieval courtyard.

You’re likely thinking:
There has to be a faster, deeper way to get to what really matters.

There is.
And it comes down to three simple fill-in-the-blank lines.

It’s a framework that cuts through a lot of confusion.

You can use this with almost any couple or client, on almost any issue.

For couples the three questions would be:

I strive to create the kind of relationship that __________
So that __________
Even though __________

That’s it.
You can forget about handouts, worksheets, or complicated backstories.

Just three prompts reveal the dream, the drive, and the drag all at once.

Here’s how it could unfold.

“I strive to create the kind of relationship that makes us glad to be together, the kind where we can communicate and solve problems.
So that we actually look forward to being together at the end of the day.
Even though my anger and resentments still get in the way.”

In one breath, you’ve uncovered:

• The aspiration (what they truly want)
• The motivation (why it matters)
• The resistance (what stops them)

That’s the entire arc of a lot of therapy in three lines.

Making this approach a little more individualized

You can narrow the focus for couples:

I strive to be the kind of partner who __________
So that __________
Even though __________

It might sound like this:

“I strive to be a partner who can be depended on, who’s supportive and involved.
So that we can become a team traveling through life together.
Even though I’ve always believed being independent and self-sufficient was the only way to survive.”

That last line – “even though”– is the money line.
It names the invisible hand that’s been steering the relationship from the shadows.

Once named and revealed, it loses a lot of power.
When expressed it becomes more accessible.

What if you used this exercise for yourself?

I strive to be the kind of therapist/coach who __________
So that __________
Even though __________

Maybe it’s:

“I strive to be the kind of therapist who challenges clients toward growth, not comfort.
So that they can build marriages rooted in strength, not dependency.
Even though I sometimes fear they’ll see me as too tough, too demanding, too directive.

Every time you complete this exercise, it’s like consulting  a compass to clarify your route.
You see the paradoxes that drive both you and your clients.
And often it is paradox, not pathology, where transformation begins.

Why This Works

Because therapy is more than giving information even though information can be crucial.
It’s often about imagination, the courage to picture something better and face what stands in the way.

These three questions create a bridge between the dream and the drag, between who you are and who you could become.

Clients get the clarity to identify where they strive to go and the resistance that keeps them self-protectively stuck. And sometimes, that’s what it takes to continue to change.

So in your next session, instead of asking for goals or complaints, pull out these three lines.

Have your couples fill them in at the same time on paper.

Exchange their responses.

You might even first ask them what they thought their partner wrote.

After they read their own responses, stay quiet after the “even though.” And let the silence do the heavy lifting.

Watch as clarity begins to unfold.

Now you’re better prepared to help them live truer, more authentic lives.