For Therapists Who Love Relationships…
and Secretly Dread Couples Sessions

Because caring deeply about relationships doesn’t automatically make the work easier

Most therapists never receive formal training in how relationships actually develop.

We learn about relationships first from our families. From watching our parents fight, avoid, disconnect, divorce. Or maybe they stayed together with resentment, quiet desperation, plastic smiles. A decades-long performance of “everything’s fine.”

Everything else we learned from what we survived, watched, or copied.

Graduate school taught us theory. Supervision taught us containment. But most of us were never taught how to repair and redirect a relationship system under stress.

Which is why couples therapy feels so different from individual therapy with 2 people. It’s why so many capable therapists quietly dread those sessions.

What it feels like when you’re new to couples work

At first, there’s hope. You like relationships. You feel drawn to the work. You haven’t yet been burned by the couple who hijacks the last five minutes with explosive blame.

But then you have your first “lesson in humility” couple.

Working with them is less like “somewhere over the rainbow” and more like an ER shift at 2am in a dicey neighborhood. It’s intense, fast paced, and unpredictable. No amount of classroom learning fully prepares you for what comes through that door.

“There were times I’d get really stuck with a couple. The hostility would escalate, or they’d shut down, and I wouldn’t know where to go. Now I feel clear and grounded. I don’t lose myself in the chaos. I know what’s happening, and I can handle it.”

— Nicole Van Ness, MFT, Texas

Because the challenge isn’t just what to do with them.

It’s what happens inside you: overwhelm, confusion, irritation, anxiety, self-doubt.
And the pressure to have the right answer.

What it feels like when you’re new to couples work

  • Do I slow this down or let this unfold?
  • Is this attachment, trauma, differentiation… or all of it?
  • Should I challenge? Normalize? Redirect? Be empathetic?
  • How do I keep the session from derailing if I’m afraid to interrupt?
  • Why does 50 minutes feel comically inadequate?
  • How come identifying the pattern didn’t change anything?

That’s not a failure. That’s the cost of doing something genuinely difficult without the right preparation.

Why couples therapy breaks down

In my 40+ years experience, I’ve identified 4 of the most common reasons couples therapy stalls or breaks down:

No clear developmental map

Not knowing how to prioritize what to do in the moment

No shared vision to motivate the couple

No structure to return to when things escalate

Without any one of these elements, you end up chasing content, so sessions ultimately feel like playing whack-a-mole. You end up managing chaos instead of guiding development. And underneath it all, you feel pressure to be the expert with the answers – and disappointment that you’re not.

This is where developmental thinking changes everything

The Developmental ModelTM begins with a simple, stabilizing reframe:
Couples aren’t broken. Relationships progress in stages.

And what looks like “communication issues” or avoidance, blame, passivity, or hostility is often development trying to happen — without enough structure to support it.

When you can identify:

  • what stage a couple is in
  • what that stage requires
  • what not to push yet
the work feels less random. More orderly.
You stop reinventing the wheel every first session. And internally, you start feeling calmer and more organized. Because you have a way to…
  • keep sessions on track
  • decide when to challenge and when to contain
  • ground yourself while grounding the couple

“This model enables me to quickly see where couples are stuck developmentally and create a clear plan for change. It gives me direction, an anchoring point, and a way to reestablish momentum. I feel confident to lead and motivate my clients.”

— Paula E. Dennan, Registered Clinical Psychologist, New Zealand

Buy Now - Only $37

What you get in It’s Just a Stage

In this short course, you’ll learn how to:

Identify where a couple is developmentally stuck (even when there are many issues competing)

Work with differentiation when attachment work stalls

Stay with the right intervention without being pulled into the couple’s system

Help couples apply outside of session what they learn inside the session

Structure sessions so you accomplish something significant in 50 minutes

Maintain leadership with high-conflict, avoidant, or checked-out partners

Introduce autonomous goals so partners stop waiting for each other to change

Stop feeling overwhelmed by “too many possible directions”

Create measurable momentum — not just “good sessions”

Stay calm and present without constantly feeling like you have to do something

What Our Clients Share

— Paula E. Dennan, Registered Clinical Psychologist, New Zealand

“This model enables me to quickly see where couples are stuck developmentally and create a clear plan for change. It gives me direction, an anchoring point, and a way to reestablish momentum. I feel confident to lead and motivate my clients.”

— Beth McLaughlan, Australia

I am such a beginner in the world of couples work but having this training is a strong & stabilising force. All of it is helping me so much in hearing people's stuck development — including mine & my husband's. I feel that a whole world & future is opening up!”

Amy Jennings

I really dove into using/teaching the concept of differentiation in my practice after attending ATSIP with Marth Kaupi several years ago and it has been transformational in both couples and individual work. It’s now one of the very first concepts I introduce in my work. I think it is such a powerful foundation from which to reflect on how we show up in our relationships.
I am such a beginner in the world of couples work but having this training is a strong & stabilising force. All of it is helping me so much in hearing people's stuck development — including mine & my husband's. I feel that a whole world & future is opening up!”

— Beth McLaughlan, Australia

This framework also works when you have:

only one partner present

individuals who complain about relationship problems

couples who are neurodiverse, overwhelmed, or rigid

infidelity, resentment, or long-standing mistrust in the room

Most importantly,
it gives you a way to start.

A way to orient the couple so everyone is on the same page. A way to create momentum early. A way to ground yourself when everyone walks in already activated.

“I’ve been feeling reactionary and aimless in couples sessions, hoping something would help. This clarified everything. I’m already using it in intake and reevaluating goals with couples I felt stuck with. It’s helping me fall back in love with my work.”

— Brandon Bunker, LCMHC, NCC, Utah

What you’ll get

Video lessons

Overview of the Developmental Model

How the model organizes couples therapy so you can see the big picture and lead with structure.

Role Play #1: Explaining the Stages to Couples

What it sounds like in real language, with pacing and framing you can borrow.

Describing the Developmental Stages

A practical explanation of the stages and how to talk about them in a way couples can actually understand.

Role Play #2: Next Steps / Treatment Direction

How to translate the model into “what we’re doing next” so sessions have a clear arc of progress.

Normalizing Couples Development

How to reduce shame and blame by framing struggle as part of development, not a failure or defect.

How to Introduce Differentiation to Your Couples

Clear phrasing to make it land, common missteps to avoid.

Thinking Developmentally + Autonomous Goals

How to shift from “fix the other person” to self-led growth goals that create traction.

Introducing Differentiation (Role Play)

A second pass with different nuances so you can hear it from multiple angles.

Differentiation

Understanding this developmental process changes what’s possible in intimacy and conflict.

Buy Now - Only $37
Handouts For Clients

Differentiation for Couples

A practical guide to working with differentiation in session.

The Gift of Differentiation

Differentiation reframed as developmental growth, not distancing or pseudo-independence.

Tasks of Couples Developmental Stages

What each stage requires (and what therapists often try too early).

Stepping Stones to Intimacy

A stepwise guide to developmental movement (useful for pacing).

Handouts For Therapists

Overview of the Developmental Model: Your Roadmap for Couples Therapy Sessions

High-level roadmap you can return to when you feel lost.

Therapist Skills Survey

Helps you spot your strengths and growth edges (especially around leadership, structure, and pacing).

Self-Evaluation for Therapists

Reflection tool to build self-awareness and track growth over time.

About me

I’m Ellyn Bader, PhD, co-founder of The Couples Institute® and co-creator of The Developmental Model™ of Couples Therapy.

I’ve spent decades watching therapists struggle not because they lack skill or heart — but because they were never given a developmental roadmap for their work.

This course exists so fewer therapists will feel lost, alone, or quietly ashamed in couples sessions.

If this feels like what you’ve been missing

You don’t need to wait until you feel “ready.” Most people never do. But if you want a clearer way to understand what you’re seeing — and how to proceed without getting pulled under — this is where many therapists begin.
“Working with couples can be anxiety provoking. I now feel confident and grounded, with many options for how to manage sessions. That sense of empowerment makes all the difference in this work.”

— Elany Mueller, LMFT, California

Frequently Asked Questions

How long is this course?

It’s designed to be short and practical. At under 3 hours, it’s something you can watch in focused sittings and start using right away in sessions.

Is this for brand-new couples therapists?

It’s made for therapists who are:

  • new to couples (or “couples-curious” but hesitant)
  • seeing a couple or two a week
  • feeling stagnant, overly eclectic, or unsure of how to make consistent progress

What if I already know some couples theory?

Then this gives you what theory often doesn’t: structure, sequencing, and a developmental lens so you can prioritize and lead in real sessions.

Will this tell me exactly what to do in session 1 and session 2?

It will give you a developmental framework and language so you stop reinventing the wheel — and can orient the couple early with a shared map and next steps.

I get overwhelmed choosing homework. Will this help?

Yes — the course supports clearer session structure and goal-setting so homework becomes more obvious, more targeted, and less overwhelming.

Is this compatible with other models?

Yes. This is an orientation framework. It can complement other approaches like EFT/Gottman/Imago/PACT/Relational Life

When do I get access? Is it self-paced?

It is self-paced. You can start immediately.

What if I’m not sure couples work is right for me?

This low-stakes “orientation” course helps. It lets you try on the lens and see if couples work could become clearer and more doable for you. It also gives you insight into individuals who complain about relationship issues. You’ll get tangible ideas of what to do beyond just empathizing with your client.

If any of these are you, you’ll love this course:

  • I can conceptualize but I get overwhelmed in the room.
  • I use too many words.
  • I don’t know when to redirect vs follow.
  • I need a clear arc so sessions aren’t episodic.
  • Couples want homework and I freeze.
  • I want measurable progress, not just insight.

For just $37, get 3 hours of training and walk into your next couples session actually knowing where to start.

Buy Now - Only $37