When therapists ask me which tool has had the biggest impact on couples around the world, the answer is always the same: the Initiator–Inquirer (I-I) Process. It remains one of the most powerful, reliable interventions we teach in our year-long Developmental Model training program.

Today’s blog post shows you part of a transcript from an Initiator-Inquirer session. It is about working with control struggles, improving couples’ communication, and what that means on a deeper level. Please comment on what you see me doing and on anything you learn from reading this portion of the session.

Vicky and Tom have been married for eight years and in business together for two years. He is 36 and she is 37. They came to therapy because they had been fighting, power struggling and getting nowhere on their own. This session began with Tom being very angry. I listened to each of them for a few minutes and then asked them to move into the Initiator-Inquirer process, which I had taught them recently.

Initiator-Inquirer session begins with Tom as an Initiator feeling very angry with Vicky.

Ellyn:  So Tom, as you begin, will you tell Vicky what the issue is and what feelings this issue generates inside you?

Tom: I am sick of being controlled by you. You want to control my whole life. You leave no area untouched.

Ellyn: You are talking about your wife. I wonder if you could talk about your anger, your hurt, your pain and what situation results in you feeling controlled.

Tom: You bet I am angry. I am super angry. I didn’t think marriage would be this way. She tries to control my every move.

Ellyn: Will you tell her about one area where you feel controlled?

Tom: My work. She tells me how to work.

Ellyn: So perhaps you could say, “I feel angry when I believe you are trying to control my work.”

Tom: Okay. I think you are trying to control my work.

Ellyn: And I feel?

Tom: It is painful.

Vicky: I am not trying to control your work.

Ellyn: I know that. But for right now it is important to uncover a whole picture of what happens, how your husband feels and what goes on inside him. We’d like to know how he ends up feeling angry, believing you are trying to control him and then fighting with you. Will you ask him to tell you more about how he feels?

Vicky: What happens? How do you feel?

Tom: You tell me when to come home from work, how long to spend at work, how to act at work.

Ellyn (to Vicky): Will you ask him what that means to him?

Vicky: What does that mean to you?

Tom: I just get so, so mad. My life doesn’t belong to me. I am not independent.

Ellyn (to Vicky): Ask him to tell you more. In getting the whole picture, you want to know what situations result in him feeling controlled. Also, it seems important to him to feel independent…

Vicky: Aren’t I asking him to blame me more?

Ellyn: No, it isn’t about you. It is about his experience of how these events take place between the two of you. In couples often both people contribute to a painful interaction, but today we are working towards understanding much better how Tom gets so angry with you.

Vicky: Okay. When else do you feel controlled?

Tom: About my education. Where and when I should go to school.

Vicky: It isn’t my intention. I like to plan ahead.

Ellyn: I know it isn’t your intention. This is about Tom’s perception. See if you can keep pursuing his image without thinking about yourself and why you do or don’t do certain things.

Vicky: Where else do you want to be independent?

Tom: In my reading. You tell me what to read and it’s like you are taking charge of me.

Ellyn: Vicky, you are doing a great job hanging into this discussion and trying to learn more about Tom’s yearning for independence.

Let’s stop here for now. What are the main principles that determine my interventions in this session so far?

If you are reading this transcript and are not familiar with the Initiator-Inquirer process, here are a few headlines about this powerful technique.

One aspect of our developmental model is the Initiator-Inquirer process for effective communication. This process sounds simple, but is actually rich and multi-dimensional.

Couples are taught two roles:

The Initiator

1. Brings up one and only one issue/problem
2. Says what he or she thinks and feels about this issue
3. Describes the issue without blame or name calling
4. Is open to learning more about him/herself than was known before having the discussion

The Inquirer

1. Listens actively and recaps a description of the issue
2. Asks questions to understand the partner’s feelings, thoughts or desires
3. Responds with empathy
4. Continues with empathic responses until a soothing moment occurs for the Initiator

At first glance the roles sound easy. It might even be tempting to think of these as mainly reflective listening statements.  However, the roles are more complex and are designed to aid both partners and the therapist.

The roles provide assistance to each client in gaining new developmental capacities.

For the therapist, watching partners function in these roles provides a very explicit window into each partner’s level of differentiation, their past history and transferences that are interfering in the here and now and also their strengths.

Using the Initiator-Inquirer will enable you to see where essential work needs to happen in couples therapy. 

I look forward to reading your comments.

Want to learn the Initiator-Inquirer?  Our Initiator–Inquirer Change Lab is 64% off until November 28, read more here.