Just days ago I arrived home from the stellar conference, Anatomy of Intimacy – Focus on Infidelity that took place at University of California, Irvine, and I was immediately slammed with the cold/flu that is going around. Now that I am alert and functional again, I wanted to share some updates and reflections with you before they recede into the “busyness” of holiday preparations. The conference was dynamic and fascinating and made me marvel that no meeting ever before has focused exclusively on the complexity of infidelity.

The conference included Janis Spring, Esther Perel, Marty Klein, John and Julie Gottman, Tammy Nelson, Alex Katahakis and myself. My husband, Dr. Peter Pearson, did some (widely proclaimed) spectacular panel moderation with Judith Anderson.

One aspect of the conference that was especially effective was that each speaker’s talk seemed to build on the one before. Whether an attendee was a novice therapist or a seasoned one, there was very practical learning to take back into the office on Monday. Over the next few weeks, I’ll pass on to you summaries of the presentations in the order presented so you can take a small piece for yourself.

Janis Spring

Janis Spring kicked off the conference describing her 4-part sequence of an ideal sequence therapeutically for a couple in the aftermath of an affair:

1. Conduct a funeral for the lover (primarily in individual sessions)
2. Affair-partner bares witness to the pain they have caused
3. Understand why the affair took place. Each partner considers motivation such as: ease of opportunity, health or death anxiety, escape from responsibility, rebellion, drugs/alcohol, anger, illusion of love, or long-time sense of entitlement
4. Earn trust. Janis explained clearly why trust is not built on words alone. She described low cost and high cost trust-building behaviors. One example of a high cost trust building behavior is setting up a fund for a private investigator that can be used by the other when and if they fear they are being lied to again.

Janis concluded her talk by describing her controversial “open secrets” policy. “Open secrets” refers to her policy of informing both partners that their individual sessions with her will be confidential. She clarifies with both partners the importance of her knowing the truth about what is happening.

Janis has just come out with a new edition of her book, After the Affair, which now includes a chapter on cybersex. Her book is an excellent resource for clients to read, so they know the path to rebuilding their marriage.

Next Up: Esther Perel

Esther has lived in several different countries, speaks 9 languages and brings a unique perspective to her work on infidelity. She reminded us to always be aware of the cultural context and especially to remember that openness and transparency work best in an egalitarian culture. In extremely repressive regimes, infidelity can result in stoning or death.

Even in the United States, we are currently witnessing the destruction of the esteemed career of David Petraeus as his affair comes to light. I especially admire Esther’s capacity to encourage us to think deeply about the complexities of monogamy, love and desire. Here are some thoughts from her presentation:

1. Today we expect one person to give what a whole village would provide.
2. Many affairs are about beating back deadness and valuing the self that emerges.
3. When exploring the meaning of an affair, be sure to encourage the partner to shift from being a detective into being investigative about meaning and motivation.
4. Help partners make the very important distinction between “what it meant to me” and “what it did to you”. This enables room for two very different realities.

I could continue but I’ll wrap it up now, leaving you plenty to think about and time to absorb it before sending another summary after Thanksgiving.

Whether you’re here in the United States where we celebrate Thanksgiving or not, I invite you to acknowledge the good in your life: family, friends, partner, career, home, health, leisure. Hopefully you enjoy something on this list.

And I am thankful for everyone who joins me and Pete in our work to support couples everywhere.

To read the next post in this three-part series click Pornography and Cybersex, Trust and Betrayal.

We help couples struggling with adultery in Menlo Park, San Francisco, San Mateo, Redwood City, San Jose, Campbell and the surrounding areas.