A Closer Look at Early Differentiation

What is real developmental progress? How do we recognize and support it?

Many couples in therapy are starting to move from the symbiotic stage into early differentiation. It’s not the kind of progress that comes with fanfare and celebration. In fact, the couples might not even recognize their progress.

So it’s especially helpful for you to know exactly what’s happening in this stage.

Let’s examine what is going on during early differentiation and look at how you can support your clients at this stage.

Clients in early differentiation start to express their own thoughts, feelings, and desires more actively. They get a sense that it actually feels good to focus more on themselves and their own issues. This is the time to build on that early progress, to recognize and strengthen it.  

For example, let’s say a husband has, for the first time, been more actively initiating his desires. He used to withdraw because he feared his wife’s criticism. When he reports a positive experience, no matter how small, build on it by focusing his awareness on the change he is making.

It might sound like this, “So as you reflect back on that experience, you said it felt awkward at first, but then it felt really good. Can you tell me more about what felt really good to you?”

Your goal is to strengthen his ability to recognize his desires and risk the initiation. Check to clarify his individual reaction and to help him integrate his experience  internally.

In early differentiation you will see clients slip and regress. They get triggered and withdraw or disengage from risking with one another. This should be expected. You are engaged in a process with them that facilitates new patterns: they are connecting with their bodies and their own issues, instead of focusing so much on each other.

At this stage, your work is to strengthen the parts of themselves that will continue to allow them to be open, present, and engaged with each other.

Another challenge that can come up during this stage is that partners are often fearful about different aspects of differentiation. Let’s say, for example, that a wife has decided to pursue a dream she’d once had of become an artist. She’s started taking classes again at a local university and has begun spending a number of hours working late in her studio.

Although it’s taken her husband some time, he now expresses some loneliness. He misses her and suggests they get a dog so he doesn’t have to come home to an empty house. They begin having a “yes or no” dog conversation.

One night, she comes home and is greeted at the door by enthusiastic barks and wet, sloppy German Shepherd kisses. Her reaction is cool at best.

She doesn’t like it that he got the dog without her consent. She says they never talked about how they’d handle dog care and besides, she’s doesn’t like big dogs. They start getting tangled up and fighting over the details of who said what and about exactly what they had discussed, and when they had discussed it.

He acted too quickly and now feels criticized again. Suddenly, the progress they started seems to have imploded.

While it might seem like this couple has taken a step backward, in reality, this kind of conflict offers evidence that they’ve each bumped up against their own growth edges.

The husband had acknowledged missing her and that he wanted a dog. Both of these actions were real progress for him. The wife wanted them to problem solve real issues and she wanted a solution so she would not always resent him and the dog. Both were right. The earlier tension about the dog resulted in the husband acting prematurely.

At this point, it becomes important to jump in and acknowledge all the good work that had taken place and then point out their growth edges. When clients reach their edges, they have an enormous opportunity for substantial growth.

With this couple, you’d want to hold them in the unresolved conflict and encourage curiosity. You might invite her to ask him to describe more about his loneliness and missing her. You might invite him to ask her about her fears of being saddled with dog care and how that might interfere with her growth.

These questions allow each one to define what is real for them and to become more known to one another. Each may also have unexpressed fears about their unfolding changes. This is normal and healthy because they are indeed growing!

Early differentiation requires us to use our sessions to create opportunities for our clients to do and say what they are afraid to do. This creates powerful experiences in the room. Our job is to structure the sessions to support these moments happening. In fact, I’ve often found that the true art of couples work comes in asking, “Am I able to help him or her take another step? Am I able to create that structure now?”

The work we’re doing, no matter how slowly it seems to be unfolding, is crucial to  helping our clients build developmental capacities that they will need, and that will serve them long term in their relationship. We need to let go of thinking that we can move our clients farther and faster than they are ready to go. At this stage, change is likely incremental.

This is important because when couples start differentiating, at some point, a very difficult issue will likely be created – one where they have very different desires.  Perhaps one is exploring a new and different spiritual practice or evolving in their political views. Maybe one partner wants to take up target shooting, while the mere idea of guns and shooting terrifies the other. Maybe one becomes a vegetarian and the other wants to cook meat in the house.

A couple in early differentiation is completely unable to take on these kinds of big conflicts and wrap them up quickly. This is exactly how it should be!  It is the process of doing this well that will enable them to build necessary internal strengths.

Over time they begin to be more authentic, understand each other’s conflicts, and respond better to the insecurities that have previously been hidden. They become stronger and more flexible. They create many more options to respond when they trigger each other.  

When couples have a tough issue and they’re willing to hang in and keep working it, we can be confident that we’re seeing true developmental progress.

And as our clients start accepting themselves more, we start seeing them feel more accepted by their partner.  This is the joy in our work.

Please share a challenging topic addressed by a couple in your practice. A topic that enabled them to build strength, resilience and increased differentiation.

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Donnie
Donnie

This is wonderful and just what I needed right now. I am coaching a couple where they are tangled up in the anger/withdrawal dance and we are taking baby steps. She has been very resistant caught up in her anger defenses and seemingly not willing to budge. Just other day for the first time she expressed her hurt under the anger. This is a big step for her bit still a long way to go. She is so stuck behind her anger wall. She says to me often” you re not tearing my wall down, good luck” so this was helpful for me to see that sometimes it’s the small changes that you can hold onto and build on instead of being discouraged.

Elsa
Elsa

I’d appreciate your assessment. I’m wondering about the political level, where I see, for instance, so much rage (and lying and miscarriages of justice, particularly in the UK – I’m most aware of that situation) against freedom of speech. For instance, Tommy Robinson has been speaking out against the overwhelmingly Islamic “grooming” gangs for over a decade – and finally, after 40 years, there are some charges laid and trials of the gang “groomers” (rapists, etc). Those against him: rage, lying, etc. He has spent lots of time in prison. I don’t know if you’ve been following the situation. In not, this 30-min video can be an overview of what Tommy and those with him have been up against: https://youtu.be/9N-J66o8GhU MY FIRST QUESTION TO YOU: What main stage do you see those on the 4 sides: 1 – Tommy et al; 2 – mainstream vs Tommy; 3 – Islamics against Tommy; 4 – those not looking and not seeing. MY SECOND QUESTION; What interventions do you see as most beneficial to get general seeing and justice? My contribution has included writing a fundraising appeal for Tommy, and doing a very Tommy-the-person interview with Tommy (over half a million views through various uploadings. Tommy’s greatest strengths, as I have seen and experienced them, are staying with reality (facts), enormous courage, very effective heart and mind-centered speaking, and a sense of humor. I WOULD LOVE YOUR INPUT. PS. My own background includes a PhD with a major focus on Psychology.

Lois
Lois

Thank you, Ellen, your thoughts about early differentiation have been very helpful. I am reminded to slow down as I begin to help couples approach differentiation issues.Often the initial reaction to the idea of differentiation is that something must be wrong with their relationship if they are not always “on the same page.” I have also found resistance to moving beyond symbiosis; that has felt threatening to many couples. I now realize that I have absorbed(like a sponge!) what I have learned through my Couples Institute training and have at times not recognized how much time it takes to really grasp and work through the challenges of differentiation. Even coaching couples to talk about “I” rather than “we” has proven to be quite difficult. So, my lesson is to slow down, be patient, and appreciate the complexity of incorporating “I” into “we.” I have also wondered about the cultural messages regarding what constitutes a “good relationship” in that it often seems that the message is “we are the same in every way.” I frequently see couples who are on the verge of divorce because they think that something is terribly wrong with their relationship as they find their symbiosis to be no longer working for them.I recently saw a new couple like this for an initial consultation and, after reading the pamphlet on Developmental Stages, they both told me that they were so relieved to learn that there is hope for them (beyond symbiosis) and that perhaps divorce was not the only option!

Alev
Alev

Dear Ellyn,

Thank you for yet another insightful post! I wonder if we can look at couples with mixed agendas also from the lens of differentiation. I have recently been getting a lot of calls from couples with mixed agendas; one wants to leave the relationship and do it amicably and the other wants to stay and work on it. How do you conceptualize these types of couples whose agenda in coming to therapy is so very different from one another? While I was reading your post as well as your book, I thought perhaps this may be a matter of partners occupying different developmental stages. Perhaps the partner who is ready to leave the relationship is attempting differentiation (and most often another person is involved in their readiness to leave the relationship) but is really ending up in a repeat of symbiosis with another person? What are your thoughts? I would love to read a post on developmental model’s take on couples with mixed agendas! Thank you!

Ellyn
Ellyn

Alev-Good suggestion for a post.
I will think about it for a post in the new year. It is often difficult for therapists to have enough differentiation to accept both agendas and hold each partner true to their desired agenda.

Rosario Fraga
Rosario Fraga
Reply to  Ellyn

The term mixed agendas is interesting seen from that perspective, it just sounds ambiguous. It would be worth listening to both members of the couple and knowing what they think about it. I don’t know if I’m wrong, I’m not even sure about it, but I think it’s too different. Large could break the couple’s boundaries and leave a gap between them so wide that they can no longer bond. Perhaps this could have happened before attending the consultation with a mixed agenda. In reality, this part of couples treatment that I like the least but it is not about me but about them and if so, sometimes we have to support the dissolution of the couple. They are just reflections.

Susan Lancaster
Susan Lancaster

Mixed agendas, a good term for this.

I have a couple who are in this stage of difficulty expressing their desires.

He has two teenage children who want to come and live with them. She is reticent to have them come. A real dilemma as they are not her children.

I see she is pushing for differentiation but finds it so hard as she will never feel like a real mother as she is passed the stage of having her own children. This seems to be the underlying hurdle for her. Accepting his children into their home is the issues presenting but the underlying issue is her desire to have her own child.

A tricky one!

Andre
Andre

I can see how there would be a lot of feelings there! Lots to explore. If I understand correctly, while he is going to want to give his kids a home, his loyalty is divided between them and his partner. And actually this possibility of being a step-mom may offer her at least some small bits of what she would enjoy being a mom. But it would make sense that she is scared of how limited that might be, how hard it could be, how it might not work out, and at the same time grieving that she can’t have a child of her own.
Ultimately it will be best for them to air these feelings with each other, and fully hear each other without feeling that they are committing to a certain outcome by acknowledging them. If they are not able to do this, what do we think about having solo sessions with each, where they can flesh out their own feelings, and consider what it would be like to tell their partner their vulnerable feelings, and rehearse some language or practice writing a letter to them? Or might this be rushing the process?

Celia Urbach
Celia Urbach

I have a couple who recently decided to have separate bedrooms. It was a crisis that led to this decision (that had been building for some time). It was definitely a developmental step for them. The avoidant partner wanted the separation more than the other – until the anxious one realised how much she was also benefiting. The more avoidant partner is also now feeling some concern that the relationship needs conscious nurturing – which is pleasing for the more anxious partner who has habitually done all the leg work in that respect.

Rosario Fraga
Rosario Fraga
Reply to  Celia Urbach

I find it very seductive and attractive for couples to flirt to have different bedrooms perhaps for a period of time. In other periods of history couples used to have different bedrooms, it may be a necessary period of differentiation. Would it be good for the couple in conversations to work on the reason that led them to such a decision and then with therapeutic work to become aware of the differentiation process?

Susan Phillips
Susan Phillips

This caused me to feel the path I’ve been on and how it’s encouraged Andy. I get to practice listening when he needs to be heard. I’m good at clean up after. Few minutes and getting closer to this goal.

Dee
Dee

Loved this

Madge Flynn
Madge Flynn

In one couple I treat the wife has always wanted to wear wigs because she thinks they are fun, diverse and provide options for different “looks”. She expressed this to him and he got adamant that wigs for him felt superficial. They each stayed in the uncomfortable zone of “You can’t control how I choose to dress!!” and “Why do you need to beautify yourself with wigs if I find you beautiful and attractive already — as you are?”. For 6 session we have been processing the vulnerabilities underneath the topic of being attractive, being playful, being autonomous, being superficial. Each has learned so much about echother and themselves by not resolving the issue but rather staying curious about why the issue is so activating.

Sue Haekins
Sue Haekins

Wonderful article and please let Ellyn know that l thought her recent talk at Terry’s 4 day conference was def amongst if not the best!

Rosario Fraga
Rosario Fraga

Thank you Ellyn, working with couples from the perspective of the developmental model with its stages is fascinating and interesting. I liked the aspect of taking the opportunity in early differentiation to validate the personal growth that is emerging. Progressively leaving the symbiosis and being able to accompany them in that process. The point is that I suppose differentiation is not the same for both, the need to grow is not equal. The fact of starting with one first is already making a difference and moves the other member of the couple. It is also true that this fact is not conscious on the part of the couple and the stability of the couple was disturbed, for the better, however there may be conflicts and crises during this period of growth. I believe it is feasible to communicate in a calm, direct, clear and important way in an appreciative tone to talk about each person’s vision of what is happening and in this way build a different conversation more in the present moment with the desires and concerns of each one in sight. I don’t know if I’m right or not, but you have to know that the times to move forward and progress are different for each person and the therapist who has his own times must be patient and understand that this is a non-linear development process. I find it useful to separate the moments of speech from active listening with radical presence. I would have liked to be working with a couple right now and take advantage of this magnificent learning opportunity.

Dr. Ellyn Bader

Dr. Ellyn Bader is Co-Founder & Director of The Couples Institute and creator of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Ellyn is widely recognized as an expert in couples therapy, and since 2006 she has led innovative online training programs for therapists. Professionals from around the world connect with her through internet, conference calls and blog discussions to study couples therapy. Ellyn’s first book, "In Quest of the Mythical Mate," won the Clark Vincent Award by the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists for its outstanding contribution to the field of marital therapy and is now in its 18th printing. She has been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News," and she has been quoted in many publications including "The New York Times," "The Oprah Magazine" and "Cosmopolitan."

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