Communication is the most common presenting problem of couples in my practice. Yet, it is not truly the main problem. Even if couples utterly fail to talk, negotiate, or make decisions, there's a bigger problem than communication.
When you're in a tense, difficult or nasty discussion with your partner, the problem isn't communication. The problem is your distressed emotional reaction about what they are saying. If your distress is severe enough, you are on the way to being at your worst.
When you are at your worst, you're likely to bring out the worst in your partner. But you really hope your partner will respond with their higher self. You hope they will break the pattern. Meanwhile, they're hoping that you will break the pattern. You know where that leads.
Here's how it breaks down. When you are in a bad discussion with your partner:
Communication is A problem.
But it is not THE problem.
THE problem is your ineffective responses during the stressful discussion.
Your ineffective responses can be grouped into a few basic categories:
- Finger pointing
- Whining
- Resentful accommodation
- Withdrawal
- Confusion