Some couples come to therapy not just hurting – but hurting each other.

They bring chaos, hostility, interruptions, and accusations, and sometimes you get caught in the middle of it all.

If you’ve ever sat in a session with a hostile, reactive couple, you know the feeling: “Where do I even begin?”

This was the question a trainee recently asked. She presented a typical young couple locked in an explosive dynamic – critical, defensive, and emotionally overwhelmed in their life with a young child. Yet underneath all the yelling was something tender and deeply human: two people longing to connect again.

And that’s where The Developmental Model™ steps in – not just with tools, but with a map, a mindset, and a mission.

Step One: Contain the Conflict

In early sessions, the therapist’s first responsibility isn’t to solve anything. It’s to contain.

 “You can’t make progress inside a storm.” When both partners are dysregulated, escalation must be stopped before any emotional progress will begin.

That means:

• Setting clear limits on how they speak to one another
• Interrupting when the session becomes unsafe
• Using structures like “You’ll each get 3 minutes to speak” to model mutual respect

Therapists must step in when one partner curses, blames, or accuses the other of lying. “Stop,” you can say firmly. “You’ve just given me a perfect demonstration of how you keep your relationship frightening and insecure.” Then, pause—and ask for permission to tell the truth.

“Are you ready to hear something hard – but important – from me right now?”

This isn't confrontation for its own sake. It's containment that earns credibility – and lays the foundation for what comes next.

Step Two: Disrupt the Symbiosis

In these early stages of therapy, each partner is usually blaming the other – and neither sees their part in the cycle. This is symbiosis in actions: a fusion where “my emotions are your responsibility.”

To disrupt it:

• Name the dynamic: “I notice how often you wait for your partner to change, without reflecting on what you can do differently.”
• Ask reflective questions: “What’s your part in making things better – or worse?”
• Hold up a developmental mirror, not a moral one.

Usually aggressive anger masks deep fear, and passive-aggressive silence is a form of self-protection. When each partner begins to see their behavior not as a flaw but as a defense, the possibility of change emerges.

Step Three: Clarify What Belongs to Whom

Before setting goals, the therapist must help each partner become accountable for their piece in the repeating cycle.

The couple described above had not talked clearly about how two jobs, financial strain, and parenting demands would affect their connection. So, they blamed each other. She wanted emotional reliability; he wanted freedom and respect. Neither felt understood.

The therapist's role is to sort through the emotional tangle and reflect it back in clear developmental terms:

• “She escalates when she feels scared.”
• “He withdraws when he feels criticized.”
• “Neither of those strategies ignites the love you both say you want.”

This clarity builds the platform for real accountability.

Step Four: Set Goals That Challenge and Inspire

Don’t set goals too soon. And don’t set them for your clients.

Effective goal-setting happens after containment, after some symbiosis is disrupted, and after individual ownership is emerging.

Ask:

“What would feel like growth for you in this relationship?” 

“What would make you proud of how you show up regardless of your partner’s behavior?”

For this couple, goals might sound like:

• “I want to learn to express my requests before I get angry and explode.”
• “I want to be honest even when I’m afraid of her reaction.”

The therapist seeds these possibilities, but they must be embraced, not imposed.

Step Five: Support Differentiation Over Time

Finally, real change takes root when each partner begins to tolerate discomfort, stay present in conflict, and respond as an adult – even when triggered.

That’s differentiation.
Therapists must lead with their own self-regulation, clarity, and courage – not cookie cutter scripts.

Final Thought

This case  and many others like it remind us that therapy with fighting couples isn’t just about solving problems. It’s about creating emotional maturity under pressure.

The Developmental Model™ doesn’t ask partners to be perfect.
It asks them to grow, supported by the right leadership and challenge.

And it asks us, as therapists, to grow right alongside them.