Dear Therapist,
 
Do you focus on helping your clients feel better or get better?
 
A huge problem with highly distressed partners is that we can’t give them what they want right away.
 
What distressed partners really want when they come to therapy is to feel better. They understandably want immediate relief from pain.
 
Relief comes from the partner making characterological changes –
easily and effortlessly. Relief comes from the partner complying with demands and expectations – the sooner the better.
 
Sadly, the more “thin-skinned” or sensitive to criticism a partner is, the more desperate they will be to involve the therapist in changing the partner.
 
Getting better means developing and strengthening their differentiation.
Getting better means self-soothing.
Getting better means accepting that their partners are flawed.
Getting better means slowing down and recognizing the impact
they have on their partners.
Getting better means understanding that when their partners let
them down, there are better solutions than attacking, demanding
or withdrawing.
Getting better means refusing to let disappointments turn into
global negative beliefs about their partner’s horrible motives.
Getting better actually means developing a deeper awareness of
who their partner is and improving their response to a problem
or troublesome situation.
 
Each of these takes sustained effort.
 
Who wouldn’t rather feel better than get better? But we know
that in the long run, our therapy will be more successful and
our couples will be stronger if we can help them embrace the
greater goal of “getting better,” even if it is at the expense
of “feeling better” immediately.
 
To me, this is a central concept in our work. I encourage you to
think about it. Explain it to couples who demand desire for
immediate relief. Remember it yourself, for comfort during
difficult sessions when clients pull on you to create symbiotic
solutions to their problems.
 
Until next time,
Ellyn