High-conflict, emotionally reactive couples are on the rise. In today’s charged world, many of us are seeing more couples who escalate quickly, struggle with emotional dysregulation, and arrive in therapy not to grow but to push for their partner’s change. These dynamics can easily pull clinicians off balance – especially early in treatment when patterns are being established and hope feels fragile.

I’d like to share some main points from a recent training session Katherine Wadell and I led. We outlined practical strategies for creating a strong start with these challenging couples. Here’s what we emphasized:

1. Anchor in Context and Developmental Stage

Before rushing to intervene, orient yourself to the developmental context of the couple. This gives you strong leverage to encourage growth. Some of these partners require very basic goals – such as identifying feelings or stating desires.

Many of these partners are stuck and don’t want to transition into the differentiation stage. They’re trying to have more of what they want while still clinging to symbiosis. Their competitive fighting is a symptom of developmental stuckness. Naming this stage and normalizing the struggle can begin to offer relief and direction.

You may repeat many times, “You are right on target for the most challenging part of a relationship: early differentiation.”

2. Slow Down. Way Down.

There is enormous urgency in the room with reactive couples. But you can counter that urgency with intentional slowing down. These clients often don’t know what they’re feeling or what drives their reactivity. Slowing down allows space for awareness, reflection, and the beginning of personal accountability.

Interpersonal work early on often backfires. These partners escalate, project and misinterpret rapidly when interacting. This means their time with you replicates the couple’s destructive dynamic at home and prevents the development of internal clarity. We recommended delaying direct problem-solving and focusing instead on individual self-awareness.

3. Use a Robust Assessment Structure

Katherine outlined a powerful assessment model: one extended joint session followed by two individual sessions, then a fourth session together.

With this three-part process you can:

• Increase honesty and self-reflection
• Identify partners who are leaning out
• Connect with each person individually
• Surface red flags like substance abuse or crisis-level distress
• Open the door to autonomous goal setting
• Relieve pressure on yourself to immediately contain and intervene

These early individual sessions are diagnostic gold. They offer a chance to understand developmental stuck points, family-of-origin issues, and core desires that often stay hidden during partner interactions. Katherine is so committed to this structure that she says, “It might feel like a luxury, but it’s not. It’s a necessity.”

4. Avoid the Trap of Early Problem-Solving

Both clients and therapists feel pressure to jump into fixing the relationship immediately. But Katherine reminds her couples, “We are not solving problems yet.” The foundation must be laid first, especially with hostile-fighting couples. Instead of resolving conflicts, the initial work will ideally help each partner articulate a vision that is motivating and clearly leads to goals for growth that  is self-directed.

5. Lead with Empathy, Then Confront

The degree to which each partner feels understood by the therapist determines how much they will tolerate challenge and change. That empathy must be explicit and “embellished” – especially in individual sessions – so that each person feels truly seen.

Once that connection is solid, you can begin asking the questions that foster differentiation:

• “How do you want to be seen by your partner in this discussion?”
• “What do you want to get better at doing as a partner?”
• “How would this benefit you as an individual?”
• “How could that change benefit your relationship?”

These questions turn the focus inward and encourage clients to take ownership of their development.

Final Thought: Create the Conditions for Growth

Therapists working with volatile couples must resist the temptation to react or take responsibility for the couple’s change. A strong foundation anchored in developmental understanding, thorough assessment, and slowed-down structure will set the stage for powerful transformation. Your couples need to understand  that you have tools, but also that they are the ones who must do the work.

That balance of leadership, empathy, and motivation is the art of early work with reactive couples. It’s not easy, but with a clear structure and the right mindset, it becomes deeply rewarding.