What do you think about when you think about confrontation in couples therapy? Is it something you do a lot? Or rarely?  Does thinking of a specific confrontation make you scared or anxious? Or, perhaps creating a well-crafted confrontation leaves you feeling enthusiastic and excited?

Do you dread confronting an angry partner for fear that you will be attacked or aggressively challenged? Do you worry that an untimely or poorly worded confrontation will result in a permanent rupture or at least a significant disconnection in a relationship that you have carefully built? Is your anxiety strong enough that you avoid making a confrontation that you know is important to make?

Confrontation is much more of an art than a science. Effective confrontation requires careful attention to nonverbal cues as well as context and interpersonal dynamics. The skills required to make effective confrontations are honed over the lifetime of being a psychotherapist. Some confrontations are very forceful and some of the most effective confrontations are very gentle.

My 1986, 2nd edition Random House Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary, gives the following definition of confrontation, “a technique used in therapy to recognize shortcomings and their possible consequences.” I was very amazed to find this and thought, “what an eloquent definition!” Recognizing shortcomings and the consequences of not changing is so central to our work.

I thought about so many common problems we see: Addiction, Infidelity, Conflict or Intimacy Avoidance, Escalated Hostility, Passive-Aggressiveness, Lies, Deception and Overworking and I realized that it would be impossible to do successful couples work without confronting the consequences of these behaviors. So many partners in struggling relationships rationalize their lack of accountability and their minimal efforts while excusing themselves for acting in ways that devalue their partners.

Without becoming skillful at challenging regression, violations of trust, indirect hostility, addictive thinking and behavior or lack of commitment, our couples work would just skim the surface. Our desire to avoid feeling anxious or insecure may lead us to shy away from refining the art of confrontation. Sadly, everyone loses when we “wimp out.”

Or, sometimes we start to make a powerful confrontation and before we know what’s happened, an artful client has wiggled away from our carefully crafted words. Then we get distracted or overwhelmed and either forget to go back to it or are uncertain about the best way to return to our challenge effectively. And in couples therapy, this process is even tougher than in individual therapy because we must reflect on the impact of our confrontation on two people, not just one.

Consider for yourself…  do you want to learn more about confrontation? What types of confrontation are hardest for you? When is confrontation easiest? Do you agree that confrontation is a big part of couples work?

And, comment below – do you think confrontation is more necessary than it may appear to be at first?