Once again, I am on a plane with some time to write. I’m glad to complete part two of the Networker Conference highlights for you. I’ll start with the workshop I presented on Infidelity, then summarize a keynote panel on Therapy in a Polarized World, and also two clinical workshops demonstrating therapy unfold in real time.
What Makes Infidelity So Hard to Heal?
Let’s start with something close to my heart: the complexity of repairing infidelity.
In my workshop at the Symposium, I shared what makes infidelity challenging for couples to repair. It’s not about the sex. It’s about the violation of agreements, lies, deception and disorientation.
When a monogamous partner discovers betrayal, a boundary has been crossed. Security, attachment, and perceptions of reality get turned upside down.
The questions that linger are haunting:
- Will this happen again?
- Will there be other unilateral decisions that deeply affect me?
- Can I ever trust you again?
And when one partner offers only a quick, superficial apology, the real work hasn’t even begun.
What do I recommend in these moments?
When infidelity is laced with significant deception, repair by the lying partner involves:
- Accounting for the decision to deceive
- Naming the events that led to the betrayal
- Growing beyond the level of differentiation that existed before the infidelity
- Facing the partner’s grief and loss of trust
- Fully understanding the magnitude of what was risked
What makes infidelity repair hard for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below.
Keynote Panel: Therapy in a Polarized World
Earlier this year The Couples Institute led a series of community discussions to support therapists and coaches with new challenges they are facing due to the political divide in the US. So I eagerly attended the keynote panel discussion on Therapy in a Polarized World, by Bill Doherty, Esther Perel, and Monica Guzman. They did not disappoint, as they addressed emotional dysregulation in a politically divided world.
Clients ask questions never before encountered…
- “Who did you vote for?”
- “Should I be worried my daughter is marrying a MAGA Republican?”
- “Will I be deported?”
- “How can I best support my trans clients?”
The panelists’ overall message was to keep the conversations going. Look for opportunities for dialogue with those who strongly disagree with you. Don’t shy away from those chances to polish your brain from the friction created and the steadiness needed to stay open and engaged with people who see the world differently than you do.
Just one week later I was able to have a very enlightening conversation with an Uber driver who was outspoken about views very different from mine. He was 100% certain that reducing the national debt should be the primary goal of all decisions and policies.
And next week I will be building bridges in a session with a trans daughter and her vocal father who posts frequent messages on social media that he is glad no boys will be allowed in girls sports. Please be sure to post in the comment section below if you are navigating these tough dialogues in your practice.
The panelists offered a historical statistical look at how our views have hardened. Rather than outlining the details in this blog post, I’ll include a descriptive summary:
Attitudes towards inter-party marriage seem to be changing in today’s partisan climate. In an article for Voice of America, Kevin Enochs (2017) summarized data from 1958 and 2016 on how parents would feel if their child married someone from the opposite party. Gallup polling data from 1958 revealed that 33% of Democrats and 25% of Republicans wanted their child to marry someone from the same party. Enochs reported that political scientist Lynn Vavreck asked a similar question in 2016, finding that 60% of Democrats and 63% of Republicans wanted their child to marry someone from the same political party.
Political polarization has only increased since 2017 and it is reasonable to expect that views about “inter-party marriage” continue to harden. A consideration in therapy is that politics now provides a new enemy to serve as “the other” identity to fear, fight, or reject.
Let’s talk more about these challenges in training, in supervision, and in community forums. If you are navigating similar terrain, please share any related moments in the comment section below.
Clinical Highlights: Real Therapy, Real Impact
There’s nothing like watching great therapy unfold in real time. So I was pleased to spend time in two clinical workshops where the presenters showed videos of their work.
Diana Fosha was masterful – diving deep, fast, with a clear frame.
She explained to clients, “I may interrupt. I may redirect. Let me know if anything feels off.”
She tracked her client’s emotions moment by moment. One beautifully attuned question was “Are you okay with your tears coming now, with me?”
And this one lingered: “Tell me more about what you really don’t want to talk about now.”
Leanne Campbell shared her EFT approach for trauma work with individuals. She summarized her process as:
- Stabilization
- Restructuring of Attachment to Self and System
- Consolidation and Integration
She worked with a young woman who had essentially raised herself due to massive neglect. What stood out most for me? Leanne’s fierce attunement – always tracking whether the client was moving toward or away from the connection with her.
Over to You
Please share your thoughts in the comment section below. What’s sticking with you from these highlights? What’s helping you feel brave in the room – or out of it – these days? I look forward to reading your responses.
Let’s keep learning together.
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