I used to be a grave digger. College summer job. No heavy equipment. Just two good shovels, pick axe, tape measure, string, and a tarp.

I wasn’t that philosophical then.

I could not have imagined that someday I’d see parallels between that and my current psychology practice specializing in couple’s therapy.

I’m talking about the price that some couples pay to keep the peace in their marriage. The slow, torturous death of continuous acquiescence.

Every couple knows it is important to compromise.

But what happens when conflict avoidant couples carry it too far?

What parts of their relationship get buried when they deny or distort their dreams?

What price is one or both partners willing to pay to be accepted or loved?

Too many people choose a form of death over speaking up for themselves. Not literal death like when I scooped the last shovel of dirt on the grave. But killing off parts of themselves to fit in, be accepted, do whatever it takes to avoid scorn, ridicule, rejection, or failure.

I have done it too often in my own life.

Giving up on what makes me feel alive.

These “small compromises” done often enough can lead to becoming a zombie – without the fearsome looks.

This process can happen on a larger scale. The psychologist Rollo May said, “The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.”

In a different context, Patrick Henry eloquently stated, “Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!”

Patrick Henry faced a parallel and painful dilemma many couples face today: the slow strangulation of excessive accommodation vs holding on dearly to what makes you feel alive.

Stop digging your grave. Put down your shovels. Talk to your partner about what makes you feel alive. Talk about what you can do to bring out the best in each other.

The good folks I buried could not return from the grave and get another shot at life.

But for your marriage it is not too late.

There can be liberation, freedom, and coming back from the grave if you don’t give up what makes you feel alive.