How often do you talk to your couples about joy, resilience and gratitude? Three weeks in Africa taught me that I certainly don't talk about these topics enough.

I am on a Lufthansa flight flying back to my world after deliberately removing myself from it for the last 23 days. I have not seen clients or even thought about sessions. I had no access to email or telephone. I could write to you about the adventure and drama of the wildebeest migration, or about the monogamous dik-dik (Africa's smallest antelope) or the flight response of the impala when they sense danger from the nearby lion, or how the wildebeest rely on zebras to help determine safety. But above all else I was deeply touched by the resilience and spirit of the people I met, and that is what I am writing about.

After 37 hours of flying and half as much driving, Pete, Molly and I found ourselves in a forgotten city in Kenya with ten strangers on the same mission as us. We were there not to spot the elephants but to help complete an elementary school for 500 children in a refugee camp for Internally Displaced Persons (IDP).

Four years ago, this group of IDPs, along with 630,000 others throughout Kenya, were massively traumatized. In post-election tribal and political violence, they lost their land, homes and loved ones. They lost their schools, medical clinics and community. Since then they have been hungry, sick and suffering. They have been ignored and lied to. When they were uprooted, they lost almost all their possessions, but somehow they did not lose their hearts and their ability to give emotionally.

After years of uncertainty, the government has given them a crowded plot of land to rebuild their lives on. The lucky ones are given a tin roof that keeps the rain out. The unlucky ones crowd into leaky tents.

We laid stones for a school, poured water for the clay that serves as mortar and painted the alphabet, numbers and clocks on classroom walls (sometimes using a stick for a paintbrush). We brought quilts for the infants and soccer clothes for the kids. We painted the girls and mom’s nails with nail polish. What we gave was almost nothing compared to how massive the needs are.

But in response to what we thought was a pittance, they overwhelmingly showered us with love, appreciation and a welcome like none you would ever receive in the United States. As our van drove down their dusty road, they pulled us out to engulf us in singing, drumming, hand holding and dancing that brought tears to our eyes.

Throughout our stay, their eyes and words said thank you. Thank you for not forgetting about us. Thank you for making it possible for our children to go to school again. We know education is the only escape from poverty.

I was particularly touched by Cynthia, a 15 year old girl. She has been out of school for the last 4 years because there was no school. She was clearly bright and motivated and happy now to return to the 6th grade.

Cynthia explained that she would like to be a kidney surgeon. She described how her father had died from kidney failure just six months ago because there was not adequate medical care available in her village. She sadly showed me her last gift from him, a simple necklace she wears daily around her neck. She is now living with her mom, aunt and 11 other children in a two-room house in the IDP camp.

Despite Cynthia’s loss, you could see the enthusiasm on her face when she talked about returning to school, pursuing her dream in her father’s memory.  Thanks to the new school, she will be able to complete 8th grade. I hope to help cover her high school fees.

We camped beside the IDP camp instead of staying in a hotel. The families let us into their world and we will never be the same.

When I think about clients who are enraged by small slights from their partners or others who feel seriously victimized by criticism, I wonder, “Will I be able to teach others the resilience I witnessed over the last weeks? Will I be able to help my clients appreciate more of what they have? Will I be able to help them move beyond petty fighting to follow their own passions just like Cynthia’s dream to become a kidney surgeon?”

I was so very fortunate to share my dream with Pete and Molly. My dream of supporting education in Africa began 11 years ago when we visited a school in Zimbabwe and I saw two kids sharing every stool after they had walked three to five miles each way to school.

I realize that my dream is the luxury of one whose life is abundant and successful. I have food, shelter, loving relationships, medical care and meaningful work. But the fact remains that it took hard work, differentiation in our marriage and collaborative teamwork for Pete, Molly and me to pay to build a classroom in the school and have the most touching experience of our lives.  I hope I will have the fortitude to lead my clients there.

With joy, resilience and gratitude,

Ellyn

P.S.  If you are interested in my online training program, September is a great time to start it.  I currently have openings since a large core of members from last year’s group just finished. About 9 openings remain and these spaces will probably be filled before September 9th, if past years are any indication. And September 9th at 10am Pacific Time is the next live call with me.

Joining the training gives you immediate access to a wealth of information on working with couples.

You can immediately listen to case discussions on:

• Increasing Differentiation and Overcoming Conflict Avoidance in the Aftermath of an Affair
• Getting Off to a Strong Start with Angry Couples
• Using the Initiator-Inquirer Process for Trauma Resolution

Or listen to me discuss some conflictual issues in infidelity work with Janis Spring, Esther Perel, and other experts.
Some thorny problems addressed in the ongoing training are:

• Neither partner wants to be accountable for their part in the conflicts.
• There is unequal motivation to resolve any given problem.
• One or the other might have a personality disorder.
• Trauma from their family of origin gets triggered.
• Partners inflict trauma on each other.
• They say they want to be closer but defend against it.
• They don’t listen to each other or to you when the arguing gets going.
• They don’t do homework assignments.
• They blame you (directly or indirectly) for not helping them.
• They have lost emotional trust in each other.
• One or the other doesn’t follow through with agreements.
• Their values collide intensely when teamwork is required, for example in parenting.
• They woefully underestimate their problems by saying, “We can’t communicate.”

In addition to the prepared lessons, some areas of focus this coming year will be:

• Preparing Couples for More Effective Collaboration and Teamwork
• Couples and Addiction
• Developing more Effective Confrontation skills
• Supporting Joy, Resilience and Gratitude
• Using Developmental Assists in your work and Building Progressive Developmental Change

For more information or to register go to www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/developmentalmodel. Or call Michelle at 650-327-5915 if you have questions.

(Thirty-six CE credits available for healthcare professionals. Accreditation statements, learning objectives, and disclosures may be found online at the link above. Please check this prior to registering.)