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Couples’ BlogHow to Get the Most From Your Couples Therapy
Taking the stress out of holiday preparation
Sisyphus
 from Greek mythology was condemned to repeat forever the same meaningless task of pushing a boulder up a mountain, getting close to the top only to see it rolling down again.
Does your holiday preparation feel like a similar fate?
For example, let's say you are hosting the happy event.
Let's assume the lion’s share of preparation has always fallen on you. Perhaps you have functioned like Sisyphus: every year you do most of the work, hoping your partner will step up and initiate more so you can enjoy the gathering. When that doesn’t happen, you feel depleted and angry. Like Sisyphus, you have been condemned to repeat the process.… Read more... Are your expectations for the holidays too high?Ah, Sisyphus, the legendary rock roller from Greek mythology. He was forever doomed to push the boulder up the mountain only to have it roll back. Again and again.
Sisyphus may have been the original example of insanity. You’ve probably heard that definition: insanity is doing the same darn thing over and over again, expecting a different result.
But you are different. Because you are going to stop pushing your rock this holiday season.
Here’s another rock so many people push. It’s the rock of unrealistic expectations.
Especially the expectations we place on others.
We hope our partner will finally give us the perfect gift, our adult siblings will refrain from teasing us at the dinner table, Uncle Al will stay sober through the evening, and that Mom and Dad will give us some unconditional acceptance.… Read more... Make the best of family conversations over the holidayHolidays are filled with all kinds of repeating stresses.
Many people dread spending time with family over a holiday. Relatives are thrown together whether they like it or not, often for repeated stories, complaints and arguments.
Are you ready to tackle Aunt Martha’s searing comments about your weight?
First, recall Sisyphus from Greek mythology. He was condemned to repeat forever the same meaningless task of pushing a boulder up a mountain, getting close to the top only to see it roll down again.
Maybe that’s how you currently approach those holiday conversations, for example, when Aunt Martha says, “So sweetie, I understand Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers have new programs especially designed for those holiday temptations.”
If you choose to follow in the steps of Sisyphus, you will try to change how Aunt Martha thinks about your size.… Read more... What new marriages can learn from failed restaurants As you probably know, the divorce rate for American couples in a first marriage is about 50%. When you factor in the high numbers of couples who don’t divorce, but stay together in mutual misery, the track record for failed marriages is even worse.… Read more... Disaster Preparedness for Your Marriage
I live with my wife, Ellyn, over a major earthquake fault line in the San Francisco Bay area. It’s an area famous for past and inevitable future quake distasters. Geological experts predict another big one is coming. Be prepared.
Ellyn and I have stored a few bottles of water and a camping stove. Do you think that is sufficient?
Neither do the experts.
They say if we retrofit the foundation of our home we can withstand almost all but the most severe shake rattle and rolls.
Have we taken advantage of this knowledge? Or do we wait until disaster hits with the violence that could wreck our lives for years.
We wait.… Read more... Doing the maintenance on your ship is worth it. The British Navy dominated the oceans for hundreds of years. What was their secret?
They cleaned and did maintenance on the hulls of their ships. Their enemies took little care of theirs.
The British sailors removed barnacles, seaweed and saltwater clams. Keeping the bottom of the boat smooth gave them a critical advantage – a ship that traveled quickly to battle stations.
An unclean hull would drag tons of shells and hundreds of yards of seaweed. This debris could cut a ship’s speed in half – a severe disadvantage in battle.
Salt water clams were a particular scourge to wooden ships. Clams dug into the hulls and turned them into honeycombs.… Read more... Is there a corpse in your living room? Realtors and carpenters alike say that when a couple moves to a new house, they’ll see things that could use some fixing up.
The carpenters and realtors also say the couple has about six months to take action on the repairs. After that the repairs fade into oblivion even though they continue to get worse over time.
One realtor said to me, “There could be a corpse in the living room, but if they don’t get rid of it in six months they will just keep stepping over it.”
Humans have a natural ability to adjust to some pretty bad situations.
What's the lesson for the first six months of marriage, or for the first few months after a big change in your relationship?… Read more... What if your spouse said this on your honeymoon? “Honey, I’ve been thinking. Nobody who says, ‘I do’ ever thinks they will split up. Yet 50% of marriages fall off the cliff. It seems like most of those marriages have a lot of arguments or unresolved conflicts. So here’s my proposal.… Read more... Why We Lie, and How to Get Back to the Truth
We’re going to talk about lies. Why do we lie – ever? And while it’s easy to perhaps scapegoat people who aren’t telling the whole truth – as with anything in relationship – it takes TWO to tango – so how does the person who’s being lied TO help create the dynamic? Most importantly – how do you bring your relationship back into balance, so that you can experience the power created by telling the truth and being in integrity. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson are two of the world’s leading experts on couples therapy and the topic of honesty in relationship, and their groundbreaking book – Tell me No Lies – explores exactly these questions about how to undo the damage caused by all lies – big and small – in relationships.… Read more... 5 Ways Your Wedding Vows Will Save Your Marriage Did you think your wedding vows were just a check off the list for your wedding day preparations? Here's how they could save your marriage.
1. Wedding vows are an antidote to your worst self.
You’re mean, picky, and you hide the truth. All of us have done this as some point. And most of us are secretly ashamed of our worst selves. But there’s no way to act perfectly all the time. Why? Because Mother Nature gave our brain two different systems: The limbic system, aka the ‘lizard' brain, and the prefrontal cortex, aka the ‘visionary' brain. And every single day, you're in a constant struggle between the two.… Read more... |
Couples are often uncertain what to expect from the process of couples therapy. They are not sure of what to expect of the therapist or even if the therapist has any expectations of them.
