He could have told a lie, but he didn’t.
In a recent couples therapy session we were talking about Taylor’s memory. He forgot (yet again) what we had discussed the previous week. Interestingly, this is a common occurrence for many couples I see even though they are intelligent, high-achieving, and powerfully positioned in major corporations. It turned out his memory problem went beyond forgetting […]
What’s better than fixing your marriage?
What if a good marriage was not about focusing on fixing problems? What if a good marriage was not learning a new set of skills or tools? The most common requests couples who are starting therapy have is for communication skills and tools for a better relationship. This is an understandable but misguided request. What […]
More on Spinning in Circles with Entrenched Couples
A reader of my blog on Spinning in Circles with Entrenched Couples described a situation that’s a catch-22 of couples therapy: a partner who doesn’t want to do what is required of him but still wants a better relationship with his wife. Here are my thoughts on the subject.
Mother Nature’s cruel marriage trick
Mother Nature has played a cruel trick on your marriage. Although your partner thinks you’re responsible for most of the troubles in your relationship, it’s not you. It’s Mother Nature. The lizard brain Mother Nature gave each of you two brains inside your skull. One brain developed hundreds of thousands of years ago. It is […]
The affair, the discovery, the betrayer’s first task…
Many people say the worst marital crime is having an affair. It breaks the bonds of trust that were assumed at the beginning of your relationship. Imagine you are in a start up company that is struggling. Then it is discovered that your partner has been embezzling funds. You started your company together with optimism […]
How to Stop Going in Circles with an Entrenched Couple
Some partners just stubbornly refuse to be accountable for their own role in a mutual mess and you find yourself going in circles in therapy sessions. Perhaps they are resistant to your best explanations, insights, interpretations and confrontations. Asking about their goals or what they are willing to change yields trivial results. We have all […]
Do you think you listen to your spouse? Think again.
I recently made a shocking discovery. About couples, of course. After 30 years of working with couples of every economic and social class, from CEO’s of major corporations to prison inmates, I thought I had heard it all. So I was stunned – really stunned – by this shocking discovery. Here’s the story. A couple […]
How to Stun Your Therapist (Or Your Spouse) With Your Attitude.
If you happen to be in couples therapy just say this at your next meeting: Today I’m here to change my attitude about change, because if I don’t change my attitude about change then I will never be able to consistently apply what we are here to learn. My attitude that needs improvement is: “Why […]
Is your marriage in distress? Repair the dam before it’s too late.
Perhaps you have heard of the famous Johnstown flood on May 31, 1889. It was caused by catastrophic failure of the South Fork Dam 14 miles upstream of Johnstown, Pennsylvania. What could this have to do with a marriage in distress? Warnings were repeatedly given about the structural integrity of the dam. And they were […]
Your Marriage Is Like a Koi Fish
Picture an attractive pond in a park or resort garden. It’s surrounded by beautiful little trees and bushes. Maybe there’s a bridge. And always koi, those bright ornamental fish that come in a variety of colors and patterns. Even though I don’t know you, I’m willing to make an imaginary wager that your marriage is […]
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