Couples and Trauma, Part 2: Red flags that may reveal a troubled past
As explained in last month’s article, hidden trauma can be a serious obstacle in your efforts to help partners build stronger, more trusting relationships. We touched on the concept of trauma configurational reflex, which suggests that humans will interpret what’s happening in the present through the lens of the past. Yet when trauma is triggered […]
Couples and Trauma, Part 1: Understanding the Challenges
It’s been said that the past is never really dead. All our prior experiences have the power to shape our thoughts and perceptions – which in turn influences our closest relationships. The couples you meet with every day are dealing with issues that took root long before they came to you. Yet even after you’ve […]
Are You Working Harder Than Your Clients?
Over the years, I’ve talked with many therapists who told me they feel exhausted after seeing certain couples. They describe the sensation of dragging partners along a path that might lead to change, only to find that, in the very next session, they’re starting all over again. Why and how does this happen? And how […]
A Couples Therapy Session After Infidelity: Transcript of a Role-play, Part Two
I’ve been highlighting ways I’ve used Initiator-Inquirer when working with couples who have experienced infidelity. Recently I shared a role play with a couple we called Logan and Marta. I demonstrated how I might work with Marta, who had been cheated on in the Initiator role. You can find that exchange right here. Now today, […]
A Couples Therapy Session After Infidelity: Transcript of a Role-play
Infidelity can be devastating to a couple’s relationship.Even before we walk into the room and learn anything about the couple, we can be sure the crisis has them deeply unsettled. In my last blog post, I gave an overview of some of the issues you are likely to confront when working with a case like […]
Using a Developmental Approach and the Initiator-Inquirer Process with Cases of Infidelity
Few situations are as painful for a couple, and as difficult for a couples’ therapist to work through as the experience of infidelity. The bottom-line questions you’ll inevitably be working with include: What is trust? Can it be restored? If so, how is it going to be restored? Who gets to define trust, and how […]
Clinical Transcript Reveals Symbiotic Yearnings and Hidden Barriers to Commitment
Therapists who train with me know that many couples who come to therapy are stuck in symbiotic patterns that impede the growth of each partner and also impede the tremendous growth potential that exists in any committed relationship. Today I want to share with you a transcript of a couple where the female partner’s symbiotic […]
Is Confrontation Important in Couples Therapy?
Confrontation is much more of an art than a science, especially in the intricacy of couples therapy. What comes to mind when you think about confrontation in couples therapy? Do you confront a lot? Or rarely? Does thinking of doing some specific confrontations make you feel anxious? Or, perhaps creating a well-crafted confrontation leaves you […]
This Book and Comedy Show Hit Close to Home
Today’s blog is meant to bring some smiles your way! It’s about a video and book that are guaranteed to make you laugh– and help your clients, too. It is a poignant look into a husband and wife’s journey when a new baby comes. The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad, by […]
I Can’t Live With You, I Can’t Live Without You: The Hostile-Dependent Couple
Earlier this week, we talked about how the symbiotic-symbiotic stage of a relationship can present as “peace at any price” conflict avoidance. This week, I’d like to take a look at when the symbiotic-symbiotic stage presents as “I can’t live with you, I can’t live without you,” hostile-dependent. These couples have a simultaneous fear of […]
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