Why CBT and DBT Don’t Work for Passive-Aggressive Clients
They say the right tool makes all the difference. But what if the tool you’re using wasn’t designed for the job? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) are good frameworks. They’re structured. They make easy sense. They help organize thinking, track patterns, and offer concrete strategies. But if you’ve ever tried to […]
Guiding Discussions with Passive-Aggressive Clients
It’s frustrating when a couple seeks your help — and then resists every effort you make. I’ve been there, and you have too – possibly too many times to count. And in a lot of these situations, we’re seeing a couple whose relationship is filled with passive aggressive behavior. Today we’ll explore specific ways to […]
We Never Argue
It is not uncommon to hear couples say they don’t argue. Many couples describe their anxiety about fighting or expressing disagreements. These conflict avoidant systems are not easy for me – and a lot of other therapists – to deal with. Over time the avoidance of disagreements has a strong tendency to emotionally deaden a […]
What 33,000 Hours of (Mostly) Couples Therapy Has Taught Me
I’ve specialized in working with couples for 40 years. A “back-of-the-envelope” calculation tells me that’s about 33,000 hours of couples work. You can bet I’ve learned a lot of lessons – both painful and productive ones. Here’s one I’m still refining, and it might make a difference for you. I have found that defining my […]
Finding Answers by Asking Questions
It’s kind of a paradox that most people come to us as therapists and coaches for answers, but our real job is to ask questions. I’ve just read an inspiring book about asking questions, with a very touching story to illustrate their importance. Clients want to know answers to life’s difficult questions – how to […]
Are Your Clients’ Expectations For The Holidays Too High?
Ah, Sisyphus, the legendary rock roller from Greek mythology. He was forever doomed to push the boulder up the mountain only to have it roll back. Again and again. Here’s a rock many people push. It’s the rock of unrealistic expectations. Especially the expectations we place on others. And especially expectations around the holidays. Many […]
Can You Be as Considerate as a Rattlesnake?
Imagine you are leisurely walking through the woods thoroughly enjoying the perfect weather and the serenity of nature. Then you are jolted into a salvo of fear – by an unmistakable sound. The tail shaking of a rattlesnake. Your emotional brain demands you freeze at this moment. And you do. You hold your breath, look around, and listen […]
How to Get the Most from Our Work Together
Couples are often uncertain what to expect from the process of couples coaching. They are not sure of what to expect of the coach or even if the coach has any expectations of them. I have found most couples approach coaching with the notion that each person will describe their distress and somehow the coach […]
Passive-Aggressive Spouses and the Struggle for Progress, Part 1
Many couples hope that we therapists can magically solve their problems by fixing what’s wrong with the other partner. And nowhere is this faulty thinking more active than in couples where one or both parties show passive-aggressive patterns. There are nearly 300 mental disorders in the DSM-5, but the two I took special interest in […]
Relief or Happiness – What Do You Choose?
I work with a lot of couples where one partner takes great pride in being a problem solver. I, too, am a big believer in solving problems. Yet, after all my years of working with all kinds of couples, one principle gradually emerged: fixing or solving problems does not bring happiness. It brings relief but […]
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