Dr. Ellyn Bader is Co-Founder & Director of The Couples Institute and creator of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Ellyn is widely recognized as an expert in couples therapy, and since 2006 she has led innovative online training programs for therapists. Professionals from around the world connect with her through internet, conference calls and blog discussions to study couples therapy. Ellyn’s first book, "In Quest of the Mythical Mate," won the Clark Vincent Award by the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists for its outstanding contribution to the field of marital therapy and is now in its 18th printing. She has been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News," and she has been quoted in many publications including "The New York Times," "The Oprah Magazine" and "Cosmopolitan."
As we look into the New Year, I want to share with you very clearly what Couples Institute stands for, now and always. Most of us became therapists because somewhere deep down, we felt the call to change lives and make a difference in the world. We wanted to walk with people through the fire, […]
When therapists ask me which tool has had the biggest impact on couples around the world, the answer is always the same: the Initiator–Inquirer (I-I) Process. It remains one of the most powerful, reliable interventions we teach in our year-long Developmental Model training program. Today’s blog post shows you part of a transcript from an […]
Some couples come to therapy not just hurting – but hurting each other. They bring chaos, hostility, interruptions, and accusations, and sometimes you get caught in the middle of it all. If you’ve ever sat in a session with a hostile, reactive couple, you know the feeling: “Where do I even begin?” This was the […]
High-conflict, emotionally reactive couples are on the rise. In today’s charged world, many of us are seeing more couples who escalate quickly, struggle with emotional dysregulation, and arrive in therapy not to grow but to push for their partner’s change. These dynamics can easily pull clinicians off balance – especially early in treatment when patterns […]
All couples engage in some conflict when they’re in therapy. But some can’t seem to manage themselves for even a few minutes without exploding into rage, resentment, blame – or dissolving in tears. Why Volatile Couples Present Unique Challenges in Therapy If you’re treating a volatile couple, their repetitive, heated responses to your questions lead […]
When couples come in after an affair is revealed, the presenting issue is often labeled simply: infidelity. But what sits underneath that word is much more complex – and much more painful. It’s not just about sex. It’s not only about deception. It’s about a unilateral decision to blow up what was previously a mutual […]
Once again, I am on a plane with some time to write. I’m glad to complete part two of the Networker Conference highlights for you. I’ll start with the workshop I presented on Infidelity, then summarize a keynote panel on Therapy in a Polarized World, and also two clinical workshops demonstrating therapy unfold in real […]
I recently sat in my office listening to a couple named Bill and Sally describe twenty years of conflict avoidance and intimacy avoidance. Their communication was packed with vague unspecified references and overflowing with examples of passivity. I thought, “Some couples work so very hard to avoid any intensity. Will Bill and Sally allow me […]
When working with couples within The Developmental Model, it’s crucial to help partners set self-focused, individual goals to support the process of differentiation. This presents more of a challenge with some couples than with others. I’m thinking in particular about conflict-avoidant couples. These are couples who likely have developed well-established patterns of shying away from […]
In my last post, I shared 4 key insights that can help you lay the groundwork for counseling couples who shy away from conflict. In looking at the challenges posed by this pattern, it’s clear that conflict avoidance reveals itself in many ways. Your first clue may be the long, tense silences that follow when […]
