Effective Communication Goes Against Human Nature
Communication is the most common presenting problem of couples in my practice. Yet, it is not truly the main problem. Even if couples utterly fail to talk, negotiate, or make decisions, there’s a bigger problem than communication. When you’re in a tense, difficult or nasty discussion with your partner, the problem isn’t communication. The problem […]
The Surprising First Steps of Negotiation
In our 40 collective years in practice, we’ve discovered that most partners do not negotiate very well. Maybe our sample is a little skewed, since it is comprised of couples in therapy. However, the popularity of books on this subject confirms that most people are deficient in negotiation skills. So this month we ask you […]
What if an Air Force Top Gun Instructor Taught You Relationship Skills?
What if you learned relationship skills from an Air Force Top Gun instructor? Recently I was talking to an Air Force Medical officer about the Top Gun training for their very best pilots. When the instructors give feedback on performance it is all negative. It is all focused on what they do that is wrong. […]
Does Summer Vacation Planning Raise Problems for You?
Summer vacations can involve family visits, which often present a challenge for many couples. This time of year when some couples do their summer vacation planning, I thought it might be timely to share with you a column I wrote for the “San Jose Mercury News.” Q: My husband and I are at odds over […]
Sticks and Stones Can Break My Bones…
The old saying that “sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me” was said before we knew about the latest brain research. It turns out that the region of the brain that processes emotional pain is the same region that registers physical pain when you hit your thumb with a […]
The Biggest Obstacle for All Marriages Is…
The biggest obstacle for all marriages is the desire to feel better. That’s right. What gets in your way, my way and everybody else’s way of a growing marriage is the human instinct to feel better when distressed. Here’s what I mean. In any disagreement or with any annoying problem, each of you has a […]
One-Liners to Avoid in An Argument
They slice and dice, causing wounds not easily healed by pacifying words. They inflame like a blowtorch on tinder. They suck the life out of all that they touch. What are they? They’re the one-liners we fling at each other during arguments, the cruel and aggressive wisecracks or retorts that escalate a fight like nothing […]
27 Years Without A Fight: Can This Marriage Be Saved?
It was their first session. And the tension that filled the air was thick as grits. They’d come about an affair. Or rather, the aftershocks of it. They implored, “Can this marriage be saved?” When I asked this couple how they had argued during the twenty seven years of marriage, they could recall only three […]
Krispy Kreme and Your Relationship
Recently after a delicious dinner at a favorite restaurant, I was walking back to the car with our nineteen year old daughter Molly, when I spotted a Krispy Kreme donut shop. Like a dog headed for a deserted steak on the kitchen counter, I headed for the glazed goodies with Molly in tow. But like […]
Religion and Other Differences
This column of mine was published in 2004 in the “San Jose Mercury News” about religion and other differences in couples. I wanted to share it with our readers since it addresses a topic that’s very important for many couples this time of year: partners of different religious faiths. If this isn’t an issue in […]
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