Tough Couple Challenge: Sparking the Desire for Change
Here you are, preparing to meet with a couple who came to you seeking wisdom and guidance that will lead them to a closer, more supportive relationship. Like other unhappy couples you’ve seen, this couple has implored you to show them the way. But as you begin defining the issues that are keeping them apart, […]
Tough Couple Challenge: Do You Take On Too Much Responsibility?
A few weeks ago, Dr. Peter Pearson and I were talking with fellow therapists about a pattern we’ve all fallen into at one time or another. Pete is my husband and Couples Institute co-founder. We’re working with two partners who seem hopelessly stalled. One or both have such deep defenses that we feel ourselves walking […]
Building Effective Collaboration with a Highly Anxious Client
A common scenario that many of us see in our practices is the over-functioning wife with the anxious-avoidant husband. He is a highly anxious procrastinator and is often not accountable for what he says he will do. Working with this dynamic can be challenging because of the extensive intrapsychic issues that exist with the longstanding […]
Losing Direction: When Intimacy Avoiders Lead You Astray
Partners who desperately want intimacy often push it away. It’s easy to lose direction with them. They demand more openness from their partners but then deflect, attack or give double messages when their partners are more open. Let’s look at how you might work with a couple named Sue and Joe. Sue expresses ongoing frustration […]
Losing Direction: Where Are You Going and What Are You Using For a Roadmap?
We’ve been discussing losing control and losing momentum. Today’s post is about losing direction. It might feel like the same kind of discomfort, but the reason is different. Perhaps you are in the middle of a session and unexpectedly you feel surprised, overwhelmed, or incompetent. Losing direction happens when your intuition is no longer sufficient. […]
Losing Momentum: After an Affair
Losing Momentum: When One Partner Keeps Obsessing about the Details of a Partner’s Affair In today’s world of cell phones, text messages and emails, it has become much easier for partners to unearth infidelity – and to be able to follow the communication trail between lovers. A couple comes to see you after an affair […]
Losing Momentum: With Passive-Aggressive Partners and their Spouses
Many therapists dread working with couples where one partner is extremely passive or passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressive partners create a lot of confusion. Commitments are regularly broken, and criticism and passivity dominate the couple’s interactions. Their spouse is usually enormously frustrated and angry. Any attempts by the couple to change the pattern fail, and increasingly the interpersonal […]
Losing Momentum: Do You Start Strong and Then See the Energy Fizzle?
It’s pretty common to start couples therapy strong. You use your empathy skills and make a good connection with each partner. Each one has a chance to describe the problem and each feels understood. And with basic skills, you begin to shift troubled interactions to more collaboration and better communication. Then it happens. Progress stalls. […]
Losing Control: When Couples Fight
It is very common for angry partners to come in saying they had a great big fight during the week and they want to talk about it. Sometimes they’ll even call you to request an emergency session. At that moment they are like a powder keg in search of a match. Don’t light the fuse! […]
Losing Control: It Happens Sooner Than You Think
Losing control of a given couples therapy session happens sooner and faster than you think. How soon? Often it is in the first few minutes of a session. Here’s what I mean. It has to do with how you start a session. Here are some very common openings for couples sessions: How have things been […]
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