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Couples often come to therapy with high hopes, vulnerability, and a spoken desire for transformation. They also come with years of pain, hostility, and unresolved issues. Their awareness of what creates change is usually minimal. 3 Paradoxes of Early Sessions  Clients want change, yet they resist it. They have big demands from each other and sometimes expect little from themselves.  They are actively aggressive and simultaneously passive. A Main Task for You their Therapist: Step Up Strongly and Navigate Complexity You are immediately challenged when you see the couple’s escalating interactions. The partners pull on you to take sides. You are not a mediator or a relationship supervisor. You must not encourage regression or allow your session to deteriorate. Seeing what partners do to stay stuck and also what they do not do to be effective will provide you with a clear window into how they are perpetuating their pain. As you spot these openings, describe them descriptively, so you can unleash positive developmental energy. Are you able to help them see where change comes from? Every Journey Needs a Compass: Guiding the Way From the first moment, assert control. It is you who will guide the session. Asking vague

Last month I attended the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference, in Anaheim, CA. Their website identifies this conference as “The Premier Event for Psychotherapy Education.” And this particular one, their first fully live one since the pandemic, was especially anticipated. Another headline read, “Get ready for the best psychotherapy event in six years.” I presented much of the time, so I wasn’t able to attend many other sessions. Instead of my usual “conference highlight” blog, I’m going to share a couple of general observations and then some highlights from my own presentations. General Observations First, it really was wonderful to be back in person and see so many younger therapists eager to learn and share. The energy was palpable – and magnetic. Clearly lots of folks were excited to learn. People rushed to attend as many workshops and presentations as possible. Hallways, elevators, and restrooms buzzed with excitement and lively conversations. It reminded me of the first time I attended this conference and heard so many teachers whose texts I had read in my psychology courses. Then I had felt that I was in the presence of celebrities. And this time I was honored to be there as one of those

Note from Ellyn: A member of our Advanced training group recently shared some observations with me about two of my very favorite topics: the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy and Tennis! I asked her to write them up and I am pleased to post them for you here. And how could I resist Sally’s poem? Such a clever way to capture the puzzle of these ideas, while solving puzzles of rhyme and rhythm at the same time. Whatever your hobby or avocation might be, I bet you can find similar wisdom in your experience.  On an advanced call someone asked Ellyn about how she decides to stay with a particular intervention like the Initiator-Inquirer, or come out of it and do something else.  In her calm and thoughtful way, she replied, “That’s the art of couples therapy.”  That struck a chord about how I get stuck – both in therapy sessions and on the tennis court. If I focus too much on a skill or intervention without the Developmental Model framework in mind and where each person and the couple is developmentally, I can get lost in “teaching the skill.” I lose sight of the big picture. Similarly, if I