Help Couples Communicate

Learn a Breakthrough Method For Resolving Conflicts
and Building Deeper Emotional Connections

“By far, the most common thing I hear after a couple has used the I-I is that they are able to actually stop to listen to one another and take the time to ask more about what they are experiencing, learning more about themselves and each other in the course of the process.”
-Lauren Ostrowski,
MA, LPC, NCC,
“Even though I have been using the I-I for some time now I just learned much more. One of the things I love about it is the way we can really go deep with our clients and get them out of their reactivity. This call emphasized to me how important it is to see the process of HOW someone initiates and help them in that place. So many gems!”
– Janae Munday,
LCSW, Arizona
“It continues to emphasize for me how easily the therapist might be pulled into a couple’s dynamic without realizing it. Having examples of sessions and how this can occur makes it extremely practical. Terrific session. ”
– Linda Clarkson,
MS, LPC, Georgia

The "Trigger-Fight-Blame" Cycle Is Real

Growing up, most of us didn’t learn how to collaborate with an equal. We were in situations with parents, teachers, coaches – all hierarchical relationships. We learned to fall in line and quiet the parts of ourselves that created conflict, or we learned that yelling and being combative were the ways to be heard.

Couples take these patterns into their relationships and then feel incredibly uncomfortable when their partner wants something different than they do. They dance around issues, fighting or ignoring them until the tension is so unbearable they come to you and expect you to wave a magic wand and fix it.

In our decades of observing, experimenting, practicing, and refining, we discovered a counterintuitive way to structure sessions that prevented many pitfalls where even the best therapists were getting stuck.

A Transformative Realization About Couples – It's Deeper Than "We Can't Communicate"

Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, co-founders of The Developmental Model and Couples Institute, have spent over four decades helping couples create breakthroughs and training therapists to become exceptional worldwide.

After helping couples “problem solve,” Ellyn realized that even if you ”fix the problem” you’re still not solving it!

What matters more than anything is how couples talk about the problem.     How they deal with it together, how they listen to one another, and how they reveal themselves.

THAT is what matters the most.

It’s what will make or break most relationships.

Once Ellyn shifted her work to helping couples develop internal emotional muscle, everything changed.

So Pete and Ellyn mapped out every step of this process, practiced it with hundreds of couples in workshops, and then made it possible for other therapists to repeat this system. And that’s how The Initiator-Inquirer was born.

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When You Help Couples Develop Internal Emotional Muscle, Everything Changes.

Surprisingly, when Ellyn started saying to couples, “we’re going to take solving problems off the table,” they felt relieved.

So if we’re not solving their problems, what are we doing?

We are building emotional capacity that supports them functioning as a team.

You might say to a couple, “You’ve had no practice being a team – until today. I’m going to get you thinking differently about how to talk about issues. You’ll learn to accept conflicting parts of yourself and your partner. You’ll learn how to sit in the tension while you discuss charged topics without rushing to premature decisions. You’ll develop the skills to collaborate. You’ll learn to talk more deeply and have more productive conversations. And ultimately, you’ll learn more about yourself and your partner. Are you on board?”

This approach comes with a bonus – problem solving often naturally happens after both partners feel understood and can discuss options. 

Working from this framework, called the Initiator-Inquirer, means clients feel like they’re getting the change they came for.

When You Master the Initiator-Inquirer Method, You Will Transform Couples’ Communication Skills and Get Off
The Merry-Go-Round

If you’ve found yourself on the Not-So-Merry-Go-Round of slipping away from the core issues, getting dominated by clients, and unsuccessfully imploring clients to come forward, your best bet is to go waaaaay back.

Think kindergarten.

The Initiator-Inquirer process shows you how to remind clients of one very crucial skill they learned in kindergarten: taking turns.

It may sound simple, but it’s profound. When clients really learn how to take turns listening (inquiring) and talking (initiating), it helps them understand one another.

Equally important – it helps you understand exactly where they’re stuck and how to better help them.

If you take “negotiation” off the table and focus on helping clients understand one another, their ability to solve problems skyrockets – with or without you. And don’t we all want clients practicing their new skills outside of sessions?

That’s what’s so powerful and profound about this process. It helps any couple, no matter their presenting problem, eventually learn to resolve their own issues without drama, fighting, or withholding.

It also supports both partners working at the same time, removes you from the middle, and uses everyone’s time much more effectively.

Sounds like a bold promise, but I’ve seen it happen again and again, as have thousands of therapists I’ve trained around the world.

“This training changed the outcome of one of my sessions today. This couple has a pattern of one getting so dysregulated that it derails the other from being able to share or be heard. I heard Ellyn in my head saying, the more dysregulated people get the more structure they need. I pulled out the worksheet to guide the Initiator with more structure. They both seemed to learn more about themselves and move to a next step in their relationship!”
– Shari Keller,
LMHC, Granger, IN
“You gave me a container and provided a structure that was safe to explore what was going on. I felt safe having you rein me in; I didn’t feel offended at all, I felt supported. I really like that you’re not going to expect us to go straight to empathy.”

– A client reflecting

on an I-I experience
“Because of this call I was able to use I-I this afternoon. I found I was much more active in getting the process back on track when each started to derail it. Surprise, surprise – it went much better! The initiator who is usually quite critical and aggressive was totally surprised to learn how much fear was fueling her attacks. The inquirer was equally surprised to learn that and it led to a lovely softening.”
– Sally Shamai,
M.Ed, RCC, B.C.

Using The I-I with
Hostile Angry Couples

If you have highly reactive couples, your best shot at being successful out of the gate is to spend a dedicated session setting them up for this process. While it might feel too boring or too structured, one session is a small price to pay for many future sessions of connection, growth, and success.

These are the couples who need the most structure. A great feature of this process is that it gives you more permission to interject, butt in, and change direction quickly. And once they start to internalize the skills, your sessions go much better and the couple feels like your sessions are deeply meaningful.

Using The I-I with Conflict
Avoidant Couples

Conflict avoidant couples have a long history of avoiding truth telling and truth listening. No one ever taught them that conflict is normal and human – and could propel them forward.

When you use the I-I to encourage a client to bring something up, you’re stopping their passivity and inspiring both partners to be engaged. This process doesn’t let one partner tune out and ignore the other. It puts healthy pressure on the couple to show up – and that risk taking has the capacity to raise the bar to where growth happens in a conflict avoidant system.

Confidently lead your sessions, get out of the middle, and get traction with your toughest clients...

Here’s What’s Included...

A treasure trove of training video pared down to 2 hours
4+ hours of effective demonstrations with commentary

Ten of our most popular handouts including: Structuring Effective Initiation, The Initiator & Inquirer Continuums, Common Misconceptions During the I-I, Questions for a Difficult Conversation, and more! Historically, the only way to get these handouts has been to be part of my $1,997 couples therapy membership. But today, you’ll get all 10 handouts when you join The Change Lab.

You’ll also learn to...

Teach clients to delay gratification so they’re not demanding you attend to each of their needs every session.

Increase their ability to manage reactivity and tolerate anxiety (this is the magic wand I teach every therapist to wave over their clients).

See very clearly where each partner is breaking down and give them the necessary skills to move forward while you get out of the middle.

Work with both people at the same time so no one complains about being left out or accuses you of taking sides.

Talk about issues in a way that helps each person know and own their part.

Strengthen clients’ ability to have productive conversations without you.

Get permission to intervene in a way that clients don’t feel controlled or shut down.

Get The Change Lab Now and
Transform Your Practice!

Improve Your Clinical Technique and Skill with Couples

In addition to getting video training and handouts, you'll also learn...

You Can Even Look Over My Shoulder During An Actual Conversation Using the Initator-Inquirer Process

This process works with money issues, affairs, parenting issues, explosive fighting couples, extreme passivity, and even clients with narcissistic tendencies.

That’s why I’ve included several roleplays that show you exactly how this process unfolds with some of the toughest kinds of problems.

Learn all about the Initiator-Inquirer, including…

Hear What Other Therapists Think About The Change Lab...

“WOW! I’ve just finished an AMAZING session with a couple who are big on blame and defense. I used the handout and got their buy-in. They worked on a parenting issue and reached a beautiful moment where the inquirer filled with tears as the Initiator described his feeling of loneliness, in seeing her tears he also teared up, and they held eye-contact as I coached them not to rush away from this moment. I was so delighted when she said afterward, ‘that was really hard but I really like this process.’”

- Fiona Daly, Psychotherapist, Wicklow, Ireland

“This is absolutely brilliant! I used your process with two couples online last week and it worked like a charm!”

- Marian Meade, RN Psychotherapist, Canada

“This truly transformed everything in my practice. It took me a while to be able to get myself out of the middle, but I can’t imagine ever going back to that way of working. I love how Ellyn says if you are a therapist who loves to be front and center, you won’t like this which is so true. I am so thankful that I made the shift and my clients are too!”

- Barbi Pecenco, LMFT, Newport Beach, CA

“Even though I have been using the I-I for some time now I just learned much more. One of the things I love about it is the way we can really go deep with our clients and get them out of their reactivity. This call emphasized to me how important it is to see the process of HOW someone initiates and help them in that place. So many gems!”

- Janae Munday, LCSW, Arizona

“It continues to emphasize for me how easily the therapist might be pulled into a couple’s dynamic without realizing it. Having examples of sessions and how this can occur makes it extremely practical. Terrific session. “

- Linda Clarkson, MS, LPC, Georgia

Here's Everything You Get In The Change Lab for Couples…

Module 1: Overview of the Initiator-Inquirer Process

Module 2: Structuring Effective Initiation and Inquiring

Module 3: How to Introduce and Set Up the Initiator-Inquirer

Module 4: Initiator-Inquirer Role Play

The Change Lab Initiator-Inquirer is an investment in your professional growth and client transformations.

For a one-time fee of only $496, you’ll gain immediate access to step-by-step video training, live roleplays, and essential handouts designed to enhance your skills.

Think of it as a powerful toolkit to help your clients create deeper emotional bonds and resolve conflicts faster. Don’t miss out on this opportunity to elevate your therapeutic results — make the commitment to upgrade your practice today!

“I’ve watched this twice and I found it extremely helpful, clarifying. And, I took notes! Tried it with a couple tonight and they were super responsive and ready to give it a try. This was a very helpful way for me to proceed, as I’ve had difficulty with homework in the past.”

- Marisa Koten, Ph.D., NY

“Really lovely deconstruction and slowing down of the process of moving away from reactivity in one partner to enabling the other to voice their experience in a way that creates space. Much clearer to see what differentiation means in relation to not taking the blame for the other but being able to tolerate and manage difference. Learned a lot from the role play and also the idea of self soothing to be able to recalibrate and listen differently moment by moment. Useful to understand and apply the continuums in practice so a very useful “technical” teaching video.”

- Kate Creedy, Family & Systemic Psychotherapist, UK

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Frequently Asked Questions

IS THERE A GUARANTEE?
We guarantee that if you put the Initiator-Inquirer to use, you’ll get some actionable a-ha! moments. We also guarantee that this breakthrough intervention creates memorable moments for your clients and the principles you learn can be used with almost every type of couple. The Change Lab is SUCH a steal of a deal that there are no refunds. But if you know our work and our products, you know our standards are high and our training resources are unparalleled.
HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT FROM THE DEVELOPMENTAL MODEL TRAINING PROGRAM?
While the Developmental Model program is fiercely robust, we wanted to give you an easy and concise way to learn our most popular intervention process. demonstrations, handouts and teaching material and condensed it into everything you need to know about getting started with the I-I. It’s an incredibly effective course presented in 2 hours of teaching videos, 4+ client demonstrations, and a collection of 10 handouts to use immediately.
WHAT IF I’VE TRIED THE I-I AND IT DIDN’T WORK?
We know that happens sometimes. That’s why we’ll show you how to turn an “unsuccessful” I-I into a successful experience. The beauty of the I-I is that even when it breaks down, you can use that information as a diagnostic to inform your next steps. We’ll also lay out the groundwork that’s needed before you introduce it. If you follow these guidelines, you’ll minimize the chances your I-I sessions will go off the rails.
ARE THERE COUPLES I SHOULDN’T USE THIS WITH?
There are a few developmental skills couples need before a successful I-I can take place. The good news is that if you set the I-I as a goal, you have a roadmap of what to do in your next few sessions. We share those exact skills couples need so you can employ the I-I at the right time and never feel overwhelmed.
ARE CE’S AVAILABLE FOR THIS TRAINING?
Unfortunately there is no CE for this training. The cost of administering CE with the various professional boards prevents us from offer CE for this training at the current low price.

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