Last month I invited readers to list Attachment and Differentiation-based interventions in two different lists on the blog. A special thanks to those of you who shared your ideas.
Developing a strong direction with a high probability of success in couples therapy often involves supporting the couple's bond and simultaneously stressing differentiation. What does this actually look like as you start out with a couple?
In early sessions, it is important to define what positive outcome each partner is trying to create. Ask the partners, “What kind of relationship do you want to be in?” Often couples come to therapy because they are stimulating negative, traumatic reactions in each other and can't extract themselves from these cycles without help from a third party.
When I ask partners what they want to create in their relationship, I am looking for answers that represent a vision of a strong bond and a secure attachment. Common examples would be:
- I'd like to feel safe expressing my thoughts and feelings.
- I'd like us to function more like a team.
- I'd like my partner to support my career.
- I'd like us to parent together more successfully.
- I am using the client's desired outcome as a stepping stone to increase this partner's awareness of the self-defeating nature of their overworking behavior.
- Sprinkled into the questions are statements where I hold and express the value of a strong, quality partnership.
- There is an implication that to get what is desired will require more self- awareness and stronger boundaries.
- What kind of relationship do you want to be in? What is your vision for why you are together and the kind of relationship you want to build with your partner?
- What will be required of you to make it happen? In adult relationships, it takes persistent effort to be proactive and to remember what is important to you and what is important to your partner.
- What are your internal obstacles that interfere with you doing what is required of you to bring about the relationship you want to be in? For example, I don’t listen well when I hear something that seems to be judgmental. Or I push my point seeking to get my way before I try to understand my partner. If you don’t know, ask your partner. They will probably add some insight and be glad to mention a few.
i liked the way you speak to your clients, it has a feeling of acceptance even if they are acting badly like bullying.I thought it was interesting that when the client admitted he sometimes could be a bully you stepped in closer and asked what it would mean to him to acknowledge that. Recognizing just how difficult that would be for him. I also liked the way you framed an apology to a corrective action.
Good stuff! Would love to see more examples.
Despite not having abusive parents, I nevertheless developed the nervous attachment style as a result of other unpleasant school-related childhood events. I think it’s critical to emphasize that even with excellent and loving parents, people can still develop adversely. Bullying or other adult figures who are unreliable and harmful are just two examples. Here is a referral if you need one: http://truetherapy.org/services/attachment-problems