Invisible Forces:
Thinking Relationally While
Doing Individual Therapy
A Live Training with Dr. Ellyn Bader | June 8, 11am-12:30pm Pacific
Six months ago I was discussing with colleagues a problem I have watched unfold for me and almost every therapist I’ve known in my 40+ year career.
I was talking about what happens when a therapist sits with a client week after week, hears about their relationship problems, and slowly, without realizing it, sits with a client, hears about their relationship problems week after week, and sees the relationship entirely through their client’s eyes.
I have watched this happen so many times. The therapist builds a strong alliance. They validate. They teach communication skills. They help the client find words for what they need and then build the courage to assert it.
And yet months pass and the stories repeat. The therapist grows more uncertain. A low-grade dread builds: something is missing from the picture, but they don’t quite know what.
I was describing that missing piece when a woman in the conversation stopped me.
Anna told me about her client, a recently married young woman with a new baby and a volatile marriage. Anna had been working with her for months but nothing was changing at home.
When Anna heard me describe what happens when an individual therapist loses the relational picture, she didn't nod along. She did something very brave.
She stopped me mid-sentence and claimed the problem as her own.
That takes courage. Because most therapists carry this uncertainty alone. They feel the whisper of doubt and they never say it out loud. Sometimes not even to themselves. And certainly not to a room full of colleagues! Anna said it out loud.
And that is why we’re here.
June 8, 11am-12:30pm Pacific | Comes with replay!
When a client comes in describing a difficult partner, you have options.
You could teach communication skills. Work on assertiveness. Help them use I-statements. Explore attachment styles. Look at family of origin issues. Clean up their side of the street. Focus on what they can control.
But for the client who keeps coming back with the same story, these tools have a limit. There is also something else that happens…
When you hear the same painful account week after week, it is very easy to be seduced into seeing the partner the way your client does. Controlling, unavailable, a narcissist, you name it.
One therapist put it like this: “The longer I worked with my client, the harder it became to find anything positive to say about the husband at all.”
That accumulation is what happens when you work without a relational lens. That incomplete picture shapes what questions you ask and which ones you don’t. And it shapes what the client focuses on and what gets avoided.
Here is what I have seen again and again: the relationship is rarely as simple as one person's account of it. And the client who can only see their partner's failures, and not their own role in the pattern, will keep them both stuck.
You can spend months helping a client get better at communicating or stating their needs. But if you are even partially convinced that the partner is the problem, that conviction shapes how you show up.
Here’s What Anna Discovered…
After Anna's moment of courage, we decided I would consult on her case.
I started teaching her how to think relationally and developmentally. Not just what her client is feeling or what the partner is doing wrong. But the system underneath, the developmental stage where her client was stuck.
We took a microscopic lens to a few tiny moments that were easy to miss. And we magnified them so Anna could see that something new was trying to happen, and how that represents growth.
She started seeing things in a whole new way.
She saw that the husband's silence — which she had been treating as stonewalling, avoidance, evidence of his limitations — was actually an attempt at managing his reactivity differently.
She began to understand why her client kept slipping back into the same position and what it would take to help her move.
Here is what Anna said:
“As a mid-career psychologist, I don't often find myself thinking there's much I still need to learn to be effective with my clients. I have an approach that generally works. I stay current with CE. I generally feel confident in the therapy I provide.
But it wasn't until I began working with Ellyn that I realized how much more there was for me to learn, and how much a deeper relational understanding would benefit my work with individuals.
By recognizing my tunnel vision, I was able to zoom out to the full picture to better see my client's role in the couple's dynamic. While still holding the realities of the husband's behavior and the associated safety concerns, I began to better engage my client in curiosity about her own behavior and consideration about what was still in her control. This helped both of us get unstuck and me feel more hopeful about what was possible.”
— Anna
What therapists say about this approach
Here is some of what they told me.
“This has been really helpful when someone comes in complaining about their spouse — being able to hold the space in a way where you can help them see where their partner might be coming from, rather than painting this person with the broad brush of narcissism.”
“Often people have anxiety around something that happened with somebody else. Being able to talk about self and other differentiation can settle that anxiety.”
“I use differentiation a lot with my individual clients. I teach that concept pretty much no matter what the relationship. They find it very helpful. And I use the concept of curiosity — just to get curious about what the other person's reality is, instead of assuming. They realize they've been filling in blanks their entire lives.”
On June 8, I'm going to take you inside Anna's case
You will see what it means to think relationally with individual clients. You’ll learn how to look and what is missing.
The case is real. It's still unfolding. I will not tell you here how it ends, because watching it evolve in real time is one of the most powerful ways I know to teach this work.
What I can tell you is that two therapists — Anna before, and the couples therapist who eventually took this case — had completely different views of the same husband. One saw a man who was the problem. One saw two people who were both struggling and capable of more than their ingrained reactions.
That difference did not come from different information. It came from a different lens.
I want to give you that lens.
What you'll discover in 90 minutes
The developmental stages of relationships
and why knowing where a couple is stuck changes how you work with individual clients. It’s like having a map that tells you where to look and what you're seeing when you find it.
and how to get it back. There are predictable moments when individual therapy shifts from supporting a client to reinforcing a story that keeps them locked in place. I will show you what those moments look like and what to reach for instead.
How to see differentiation in session
including the moments that don't look like differentiation at all. I will show you how to recognize them and use them.
The Relationship Questionnaire for Individual Clients
my trusty intake tool, built specifically for individual therapy. I'll walk you through the questions that illuminate the pattern, what to listen for in the answers, and how this tool shapes your sessions, whether your client is new or you’ve been seeing them for a while.
What to do when empathy isn't enough
how to skillfully move the focus from what your client’s partner is doing to what is still within their own control. This is delicate work and I will show you how to do it.
You'll get 6 clinical handouts you can use immediately
You’ll get a complete handout packet of tools I use in my own work, designed to be used with your clients.
Stepping Stones to Intimacy
a psychoeducation handout written for clients that reframes relationship struggle as a normal, navigable part of developmental growth. This helps clients stop seeing problems as signs of failure and recognize them as stages in a normal progression of relationships.
Relationship Questionnaire for Individual Clients
the full 20-question handout, adapted specifically for individual therapy. Surfaces the patterns that stay hidden when you only ask about the presenting problem.
Ineffective and Effective Behaviors
a clear, concrete reference for clients to take home. All the ways partners try to cope that make things worse, and all the behaviors that actually build connection.
Uncovering Vulnerability and Shifting Negative Patterns
this exercise helps clients identify what drives their worst behavior, what vulnerable feeling the behavior is covering, and what they actually want to do instead. A remarkable tool for moving clients out of blame and into accountability.
The Gift of Differentiation
a guide to both types of differentiation (self and other), and why a lack of differentiation is at the root of most couples’ distress. Includes the key distinctions for your clients to understand.
This training is for you if...
- You have individual clients in relationship distress. They describe the fights, the disconnection, the anxiety, and depression that traces back to what's happening at home.
- You find yourself hearing the same stories week after week without much shifting.
- You've tried the standard tools and hit a wall.
- You want a framework that works even when only one person shows up — and clinical tools you can use without having to learn a whole new model.
- You have ever sat with a client and privately wondered whether the partner is really as bad as has been described.
The details
What:
Invisible Forces: Thinking Relationally While Doing Individual Therapy
Monday, June 8, 11am-12:30pm Pacific
Length:
90 minutes + Q&A
Investment:
$99
Recording:
Lifetime access & all handouts included with registration
Guarantee:
Watch the full training. If you don't learn a single thing you can take into your next session, email us and we will refund your money.
About Dr. Ellyn Bader
Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. is the co-founder of The Couples Institute and co-creator of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, one of the most widely taught relational frameworks in the world. She has trained thousands of therapists across four decades of clinical practice and continues to see clients and supervise cases today.
She is also a trusted voice in the field, having been featured in major media outlets including The Wall Street Journal, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan, and appearing on programs such as Nightline, CBS This Morning, Today Show, Good Morning America, and numerous NPR programs.
The session footage in this training is real. The case is live. The teaching comes directly from Ellyn's clinical work — the same approach she has used with therapists and couples for forty years.
Frequently Asked Questions
Will I get a recording?
Yes. You’ll get lifetime access to the full training plus all six handouts to work through at your own pace. We do hope you’ll join for the live event on June 8, 11am-12:30pm Pacific.
I already help my individual clients with relationship issues. How is this different from what I'm already doing?
Most individual therapists are doing meaningful work with clients in relationship distress. But they’re often missing a framework for seeing the relational system underneath the individual presentation — the developmental stage the couple is stuck in, the patterns both partners are contributing to, and the small moments of potential change that are easy to misread or miss entirely. This training is about adding a lens that makes the work you're already doing more precise and more effective.
I don't work with couples. Is this relevant to me?
Yes. This training is designed specifically for individual therapists. You don't need a couples practice, and you won't be asked to become a couples therapist. Thinking relationally is a clinical skill that improves individual therapy. It changes what questions you ask, what you notice, and how you help your client understand their own role in what's happening at home.
Won't thinking about the partner's perspective compromise my alliance with my client?
Thinking relationally does not mean abandoning empathy or taking the partner's side. It means holding the full picture while staying fully present with your client. In practice, therapists who learn to think this way find they can connect more deeply with their clients, because they're helping them see something true rather than simply validating a story that's keeping them stuck.
What if my client's partner really is the problem?
Sometimes a partner's behavior is genuinely harmful. This training does not ask you to minimize those realities. What it does ask is that you allow for a fuller picture — because even in difficult situations, understanding the relational dynamic helps your client make clearer decisions, respond more effectively, and move forward with more agency. The goal is never to excuse harmful behavior. It is to give your client the most accurate map possible.
I'm worried this is a whole new model I'd have to learn from scratch. How steep is the learning curve?
You won't need to overhaul your practice. The goal is to give you a relational lens and five practical tools you can bring into future sessions. Some of what I teach will confirm and sharpen what you already do. Some of it will show you a new way of seeing. Either way, the handouts are designed to be used immediately, and the framework is built to integrate with approaches you already know.
Is there a guarantee?
Watch the full training. If you don't walk away with at least one thing you can bring into your next session, email us and we will refund your money.
A final word
Most therapists who work with individuals in relationship distress are doing more good than they know. They are also, in many cases, working harder than they need to — because they are trying to help one person carry the weight of a two-person problem without the framework to see the whole system.
You don't have to have couples in your practice to think relationally. You just have to be willing to put on a different lens.
Anna was willing. The day she stopped and said “that's me”, she changed the entire trajectory of her client’s future.
I'd like to help you do the same.
Lifetime access to the recording included. Money-back guarantee if you don't learn anything new you can use. Questions? Email us at admin@couplesinstitute.com.