The Value of Obsessing About an Affair

Couples therapy with one partner who is stuck.

When two people get together, they date and spend time getting to know each other. For some, the “falling in love” is intense and the decision to become a couple is easy. For others, it is far more difficult as they thoughtfully consider differences in challenging areas such as religion, culture, social class, child-rearing, or where to live.

Then the two partners decide to marry or live together in a committed partnership, and that  decision draws a boundary around the “two of them” as a couple.

This decision, when done well, completes the initial bonding stage of a relationship and paves the way for a healthy, growth-promoting process of differentiation. In fact it is the clarity of the bonding/commitment that enables partners to initiate the challenging process of differentiation. The security of the bond provides a support for each partner's differentiation to unfold.

Most committed partnerships come with an expectation of sexual monogamy unless otherwise stated. Today many couples explore polyamory and open relationships, but the majority still live in monogamous partnerships. When one monogamous partner discovers that the other has had an affair, it is an assault on the bond. In fact, we define an affair as “one partner secretly violating an actual or implied expectation of the other's primacy.”

Usually the deception and dishonesty is much more disturbing than the actual sex. The commitment has been disrupted and the boundary has been violated. Now everything is open again. Inevitable questions surface such as:

  • Are we going to stay together or separate?
  • Will I ever be able to trust what you tell me again?
  • Are we a couple or aren't we?
  • Is this the end of the relationship?
  • Does the affair partner know more than I do?
  • Who else knew about the affair?
  • Will you continue to lie and keep secrets from me?

Also all the questions that existed before the couple formed arise again. This time the challenge is intensified because there are many more interdependencies, as well as possibly having children together. Each partner must re-decide whether they want to start over and reinvest.

The disruption of an affair is the violation of dreams, goals and decisions. The interdependency, family, teamwork and partnership are all potentially lost. What once seemed secure is no longer secure.

One partner has made a unilateral choice to put an end to what was previously an equilateral decision and joint commitment. This new decision has disrupted the attachment and the question, “Will it happen again?” becomes substantial. Or, “Will there be other unilateral decisions that affect me deeply in which I will not have a say?”

This decision to re-commit is only possible after deep soul searching, intense dialogue and the confrontation of issues such as narcissism, neediness, lie-inviting dynamics, or trauma.

So why do I say it can be valuable to obsess about the details of a partner's affair?

Obsessing about an affair and asking questions about the details of the affair potentially enables a new boundary to be constructed. When even small truths are revealed, the obsessing provides a pathway to work through and understand the story of the affair. It is through this process that each partner decides whether or not to recommit to the partnership.

When the partner who had an affair answers questions truthfully without evasiveness, it helps the other put an end to feeling suspicious or crazy. When the evasiveness continues, it signals that the feelings leading to the affair still exist and that the primacy of the committed partnership does not.

Honest dialogue also helps put an end to distortion and blown up fantasies. Often when a spouse has “cheated,” it is common to assume that the other was younger, better looking, sexier or more caring. Examining some of the details of the affair may bring to light that the other was human and indeed they were not perfect!

Asking questions also brings to light what is lost and what in reality there is to grieve. It helps to discuss the affair including such issues as:

  • How long did it last?
  • How did it start?
  • How many lies were told, and were they repetitive overt lies or lies of omission?
  • What created the conditions for secrecy to be necessary in the primary partnership?

By reviewing the details, the primary couple has an opportunity to re-create shared meaning. For most partners who feel betrayed by secrecy and deception, developing shared meaning is an essential building block for recommitting.

So, to sum up the value of obsessing about an affair:

  • Partners learn what is lost and what to grieve.
  • Partners create shared meaning and re-establish a boundary around themselves.
  • The betrayed spouse comes to understand that it is “not personal.”
  • The obsessing provides a way of working through the trauma and creates a way to put an end to the deception and feeling of craziness.
  • It stops projection and blown up distortions/ fantasies.

When obsessing about the details of an affair is not handled well, hostile, persecutory questioning and stagnated therapy may result.

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Amanda
Amanda

I am so grateful and so related to what you mentioned but my husband did not have a physical affair, as far as I know, and yet the devastation and sense of betrayal of the emotional affair (which he denies ‘in the name of platonic friendship’ that happened as a result of working very very long hours and building intimacy with those with whom he works) has been the thorn in my side….something that more than 2 years after he walked out on me and our children, continues, in waves, to create turmoil in my heart. My comment is to highlight the intense suffering and betrayal of emotional affairs, in our world where ‘friendship’ is casual and easy going. Workplaces are rife for affairs, but that includes not just physical affairs, but emotional affairs as well. There is a reason the ‘office spouse’ has come into existence, as an expression. The ‘real’ spouse ‘daring’ to challenge or question a friendship is accused of jealousy and the rest by the ‘cheating spouse’ because they are in denial. In my case, the emotional crisis resulted in my depression and anxiety spiralling out of control, and though I would never do this because I consider life to be sacred, I experienced regular panic attacks (for the first time in my life) and suicidal ideation because of the intolerable excruciatingly deep pain that had gripped my heart and turned my world upside down. Workplace relationships and the emotional affairs they cultivate eclipse time with family and time spent nurturing the family bond. The grass is greener in the field you water most. This one little saying, which I consider to be a gem, would do wonders at helping to avert the mid-life crisis epidemic that continues to sweep through societies all over the world and which sucks up those lives like a giant vacuum cleaner into a giant vortex before spitting them. Infidelity is not just a personal or couple issue. It is a society issue. Every time a colleague or friend turns a blind eye to flirting by married or committed partners with someone outside their bond, they also contribute to the infidelity. When a couple goes down (and there are children involved) everyone, including extended family and friends suffer. I’d love to see the public discourse broaden so that some of these troubling issues can be brought to light so that they can be healed. Thank you for the wonderful resources you offer. Please forgive me for offloading. Many good things are happening in my life, but the big hole that this has left in my heart, sits there as a reminder of the sadness and the loss of the love of my life.

Natasha.
Natasha.
Reply to  Amanda

I’ve been in a relationship since 2003 and we were friends for two years before, he was always a lad and didn’t have girlfriends because he wasn’t interested in that he was having fun meeting new girls and being a typical lad. But we always liked each other then got together and even though I knew what he was like I trusted him always have done because I knew he was ready for a relationship. Over the years I’ve never had any type of gut feeling (like I’ve had before and been right with my ex but also I just can’t tell) well this year the day before my birthday I found out he was having an online affair, it killed me I’m still finding it hard 8 months later. I kept saying to him about it and he would say “I’m not seeing anyone else” and I would say “I know but you’re talking to someone” what’s weird is I had thought of but either I didn’t believe it or was in denial because I’m like a PI and the things I’ve done and found out since then is something I would have done when I had first asked him and I would have found out sooner. Anyway, he had an affair for four months one month playing a game and constantly talking to her and then started calling etc. I can’t stop thinking about it how he was the person I believe the most in and it’s broken me, he hates himself for it. Because I never looked through his phone he got away with it and it’s only by chance I saw this message from her which he was funny about so a few hours later he fell asleep with a film on his phone so I was able to look well I saw it all he had deleted something obviously when he panicked. But even though I could see he was ignoring her and she was chasing him I still can’t believe he was cutting he off as I found out, I’ve even seen messages from her blackmailing him if he didn’t talk to her, but then at the same time, I’ve read messages saying “I love you” him looking at flights to USA from the UK so even though I’ve seen him trying to cut her off and her setting up new accounts and phone numbers to get him I still think he did love her and can’t stop thinking about the times he was ignoring me on his phone and leaving the house to go the shops but would be gone ages and would keep going. I’m just totally confused about what to believe and I hate the fact he had this connection with her, was talking to her and was sexual with her even though we were physical. I just think he has got to of loved her to spend so much time investing himself with her and to of risked his family as he has done to me means must have meant something to him, she had left her husband (but she lied they split up after the affair finished because I’ve spoken to the husband since they split up) and he made out he was leaving me. So it’s heartbreaking reading these messages it doesn’t matter I’ve seen the other ones of him ignoring her and trying to split up with her I still can’t stop thinking about it and I cry every day still, I lost two stones and my head is just spinning I know he is hurting to for what he has done and wants us to stay together he said he wouldn’t have ever left me it was all an act he put on. So what do I believe that he loved her or he didn’t? It’s hard thinking that he has done these things after being together for 20 years and that another woman has videos and photos of him. Makes me sick and he is ashamed of himself I know him (well though I did) and I do believe he was thinking it wasn’t a big deal at the start I just don’t know how he wasn’t thinking of me. He said he was feeling guilty and even thought about telling me, even wanted me to find out so it would stop altogether then and he said it was a relief when I found out. He has cried about how much he hurt me and loves me. I can’t imagine us not together and I’m still in love with him, not just love him I’m in love. She said things like he said he hated me and his life. She knew a few personal information about me well one thing that I didn’t like her knowing. She has continued to try and get him back and I know he hasn’t been in touch with her since the day I found out I messaged her and was done saying I knew and to leave him alone. So once she knew that she knew it was over but she still being trying to get hole of him. he changed his number which he did himself because of her constantly trying to get him. So he is trying to show me how much he didn’t want anything with her. So well see and I’m just hoping this obsession with I have stops soon and I can get over this whole terrible part of our lives.

Michael
Michael
Reply to  Amanda

I came across your post because I’m trying to figure out why I’m obsessed with wanting to find out if two of my coworkers are having an affair, she is single and he is married, I’m also married and have been for 30 years. I do find her the single female, sexually attractive. In a sense I shouldn’t care if they are sleeping with each other and on the other hand it makes me jealous. Any suggestions on helping me get over this?

Jane Andrew
Jane Andrew
Reply to  Michael

Ask your wife if she will go and see a therapist with you. Font do anything behind your partners back.

Marg
Marg
Reply to  Amanda

I am so very sorry you had to go through this.trust me i know fist hand. The pain is excruciating.

Doldenwood
Doldenwood
Reply to  Amanda

sango priestess love solution AT outlook . com

Doldenwood
Doldenwood
Reply to  Amanda

Infidelity, cheating is what my wife accused me of and wants divorce. she filled for divorce after 22 years of marriage.
she is angry I once had a relationship with her sister when I was in Vegas. I hadn´t even met my wife then, she found out and told me because she can´t bear the pain that I didn´t tell her all this years of our marriage. I do not think it´s important because It happened 4 years before I met my wife at the airport and we started being friends and we dated for about a month or two and we got married. It was when we were getting married I found out they were sisters. She was the elder sister to my wife. We have 4 grown up teenagers together, I do not understand why all these matters. Her sister is also married to someone else and they are happy, I do not know why my wife can´t let go even after so much apology.
But to my greatest surprise, I came across a psychic I found that helped my marriage, whom so many people where talking good reviews about on Yelp. He helped me out to cast a love reuniting forgiving spell that made my wife come to me just last week to reconcile back to me and cancel the on going divorce. we have immediately renew our marriage vows and promise to love each other more than ever till death do us part.
What would I have done if not for this love solution temple priestess sango?? I have never been this happen with my wife in years ever since she found out.

Karen
Karen
Reply to  Doldenwood

Who was that psychic or what is the name and info of that psychic that helped you?

Nanya
Nanya
Reply to  Amanda

Hi

alex
alex
Reply to  Amanda

Hello, I bring you good news. Do you need black magic spells to get rid of your husband’s mistress ? Do you want to fix your marriage or relationship or you want to get back with your ex after the breakup or you want to put a stop to that Divorce? Do you want revenge on your enemies or do you want a death spell cast on someone who has wronged you in the past ? If yes then let me recommend a tested and trusted voodoo man called Dr noble who has helped me to destroy my enemy (Donald) that almost ruined my life just because I got promoted before him at our place of work. I contacted Dr Noble for his powerful death spell and in 48 hours Donald died in an accident. It was the greatest news to me that day. Finally my enemy is out of the way thank you Noble. Here is Dr Noble’s website noblesolutiontemple. com 

Erin Sprong Murrell
Erin Sprong Murrell
Reply to  alex

If you read this post and even consider using magic, voodoo or amplified intentions to seek revenge, please be aware of the risk. As a licensed therapist trained in the Developmental Model and a practicing witch I feel compelled to respond to this post. I first want to say that I respect and understanding the incredible amount of pain that people experience when there is an breach in trust like an affair or infidelity, however, revenge is a path that will only leads to deeper pain. *******Be Carful with Magic. Yes, it is real (obviously not the Harry Potter kind). It is also not a science (just like all religions), however, magic IS predictable in some ways. ******* “Magic” is honest and will manifest intentions free from your personal justification or an individuals sense of entitlement. Magic seeks to balance and connect. Revenge or vengeance spells are not justice, they create disconnection and unbalancing. Any ethical spell caster would tell you never to mess with a revenge spell because it only directs 1/4 of its energy towards and intended target. The remaining 3/4 of the “magic”….. yeah, it amplifies back at the sender (keeping the balance). The sender must have a deeply honest understanding of their own role in a relationship before casting a spell. To be clear NO ONE WALKS AWAY FROM CASTING A REVENGE SPELL UNTOUCHED. **********Magic or scam? In most magical traditions making a profit from spell casting is a huge ethical no-no. Scams promise result from magic and when they don’t manifest the solution is typically more money. I do not know if that is true for the practitioner mentioned here, but please, do your research. If spell casting has become an option to cope with heartache, PLEASE find a trusted source. ********Alternatively, you could chose not to walk the path of Revenge (Well it’s not so much a path, it’s a loop….. eye for and eye for an eye….) OR you can break the loop and walk the path of healing. Restorative and/or healing magic needs to be consistent and intentional (if you listen to Pete and Ellen that should sound familiar). Therapeutic and/or magical healing is not quick, or easy. Consider finding a therapist who uses The Developmental Model of Therapy, or a guide to help you construct your own healing spell, or something less expensive could be Desmond Tutu’s $17 self help book, “The Book of Forgiving”. Yup I said the “F” word. I apologize to anyone who is reading this and is nowhere ready to consider that as an option. You have every right to use your own “F” word right now and even direct a few in my direction. The book offers a healing path that dovetails well with the concept of Differentiation. It is there whenever you want to consider wanting to forgive.

sara
sara
Reply to  Amanda

Im so sorry this happened to you. My husband a few years and partner of 11 years admitted to an emotional affair after he ended it, recently. But he met a coworker on a work trip and basically went on dates with her, and then secretly while we were quarentining together spoke with her 8 months after returning from trip, during pandemic, calling , texting, sharing photos, grieving, saying how they missed each other, saying how they were excited about each other. I dont know how to get passed this. And she is good looking and very interested in my husband still.We dont want to have kids, he is especially so and she has kids. I just dont know how to get passed his sneaky behavior. I also am angry he had no boundries to let it get to that point and women would have no boundaries for someone else relationship. So many red flags. Im heart broken and also having panic attacks for first time in my life. I was always so confident about who I was and were I stood. The best part of my relationship was the strong bond of trust. Now Im wondering is he not a good person? I cant snap out of it.

Justin Griffin
Justin Griffin
Reply to  sara

If he ended it and brought it to you then it was a mistake (something that just happened) he loves you or he would not have been honest with you.

Belinda
Belinda
Reply to  sara

He sounds like he is struggling with Sex/Love addiction, he also likely has a high level of narcissistic traits to have multiple affairs.

shellshocked
shellshocked
Reply to  Amanda

I am so sorry you had to go through this nightmare. If it helps you to know, same here, says nothing sexual happened, I lost 21lbs lost on the infidelity diet. 5 days before his and my 25th wedding anniversary (how is that for a tacky cliche?) I needed some documents so I looked in his office bag that sat next to my desk for years and years. He was on a trip overseas. I don’t think I shall ever forget the shock of seeing love notes addressing him as “a 4ever rainbow to me” “my special, dear and wonderful friend,” truly brilliant, wonderfully kind, fabulously inspirational” you get the idea. She thanked him for gifts of jewelry (in her favorite color), chocolate ….. It has been 13+ months, the constant tummy upsets, hand shaking, extremities tingling and nausea have mostly subsided. The insomnia still reigns. I am not sure how it will all pan out. I do know that as painful as this is, I have learnt so much about myself. Mainly, that I am not half as bad as I was led to believe. That there was a lot of projection going on – he accused me of things he was doing to me and yet, I never saw or understood that. Stay strong. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. There has to be.

Susan Haugen
Susan Haugen
Reply to  Amanda

5 years ago my spouse of 19 yrs had an emotional affair, possibly more (which he denies), with a nurse he worked with (half my age) who she was engaged to be married and lived with her fiancee. I was beyond devastated. My therapist called it Sanctuary Trauma. I obsessed and lost 20# (the infidelity diet). We are at the end of a bad divorce, and he acts like a victim. I am so thankful to not be with him anymore. The thousand lies he told me, I could never trust him again. He told me he didn’t know he was agreeing to fidelity when we married. He totally messed with my head.

Paul McCandless, MFT
Paul McCandless, MFT
Reply to  Amanda

Amanda:
Give yourself credit for “off loading.’ If I may, imagine for a moment that you are home alone on a typical evening. When the door bell rings, you open the door and in comes someone you’ve never seen and without a word, starts walking through your house and going through your stuff. They might take some items of yours. Some of value and some not. And then they leave without saying a word. How safe do you think you’d feel in your home going forward? This is what being on your side of the affair is like. It is as if you have endured an emotional home invasion robbery. My experience is the impact is the same regardless of whether the affair involved intercourse or not. I am hopeful your partner is coming to understand the impact this event has had on you. As he grows in understanding, it can come to help you both heal. Stay courageous.

Amanda
Amanda

Thank you Paul. I do appreciate the imagery because that’s exactly what it felt like. I felt violated emotionally, psychologically and even physically (not knowing if there had been any physical contact, though denied). The other issue that affects infidelity and its resolution is the role of family in ‘helping’ by lending an ear. In my case, it was not made easier with in-laws who were also happy in the end to accept the ‘jealousy’ label and mental illness label (my father-in-law ‘diagnosed’ me as having bipolar after seeing me have a melt-down, even though he was a retired GP and not a psychiatrist or psychologist). This was better for them than owning the workaholic culture that permeates the whole family and any emotional infidelity that would bring ‘family shame’… It was easier than keeping their son/brother accountable to his family and to his covenant. am trying to keep my heart open but still have not forgiven them for taking his side when I reached out for help. They found it impossible to remain bipartisan to help me and to help save our marriage of 20+ years… I wonder if I was to ask them why they thought they knew better than me how to save my own marriage, whether they would be so quick this time round to give the same advice and support.
I somehow doubt it… I can only hope they’ve learnt something from all of this pain, which is their pain as much as ours…

Bre
Bre
Reply to  Amanda

I’m still reeling from an emotional affair betrayal that happened 5 years ago. My husband reconnected with a college sweetheart from 30 yrs ago. I still don’t know who contacted who in it. Life has gone on, I don’t think there’s been contact since, but my heart can’t seem to believe this, its me that can’t “get over” it. So I am in search of meaning, I still keep trying to understand why it happened, my part in this, and resolution.

Judy Lewis
Judy Lewis

Thanks.
Very helpful. Good points!

David LaPensee LICSW
David LaPensee LICSW

I have been a couple’s therapist for over thirty five years, and have endeavored to use your wise counsel in working with my clients over that span. I will never forget attending one of your presentations in MA and even when I was the cheated on party in my relationships, I was able to step back and use what I learned from you to dispassionately understand the conditions which gave rise to these events, and to deal with them. Thank you Dr. Bader.

Jessica
Jessica

Helpful article, however I would not call secrecy necessary:
“What created the conditions for secrecy to be necessary in the primary partnership?”

Perhaps rewording to say: “What created the conditions that led to the affair?”

Scott Hansen
Scott Hansen

In my work with couples often a key factor in the allure of the affair, especially for the male, is that the other person IS younger, more attractive, and the sex was better, although they wouldn’t admit this to their partner, even with the therapist present. How do you work with the couple when this is the case? In other words, what do you do when the fantasy is largely reality-based and, to some extent, it IS personal.

Maria
Maria

I would love to hear from others re advice with dealing with the spouse who broke the trust. I think it is easy to visualise or idealise the other person’s attractiveness however it is the spouse who declared this person more attractive, and that is hard to forgive. If denial persists, so does the lack of respect of truthfulness. This is what I am struggling with in terms of how and whether to stay within the marriage. Anger and resentment rot the fundamentals of our life and he won’t acknowledge or address our problems. The betrayals didn’t go so far as physical infidelity but a series of supposed emotional – professional ‘friendships” have undermined our marriage.

Mrs Jefferson
Mrs Jefferson
Reply to  Maria

My husband cheated on me with a young, rather large woman. When I met with her she had just had a tummy tuck and a boob job. She seemed to be very unhappy. She lied the entire meeting but there was a point where I felt sorry for her. She was a baby herself and just wanted someone to love her. He told me he made a mistake and he feels bad for this woman. He said she knows he loved me but he said it wouldn’t stop her as he and I were trying to heal. She had a child in high school or just out of school and the man she was living with didn’t love her either. My husband was her boss and 30 years older. Her boyfriend said she’s after money and makes a regular habit of dating much older men if they have money. He said he was her boss when they met! I was hurt in the beginning, that my husband would do this to a young girl, and more importantly destroy his family for a fling with someone who obviously had great feeling for him. She was fidgety and anxious and apparent, that she had no self confidence. I’ll never understand how he could do this to her and more importantly his family. I have since left and started seeing someone and I’m very happy. I feel like God looked down and this all happened for an obvious reason. Sadly enough I wish happiness for him, but when I see him now, all I see is an old man who took advantage of a young girl and hard to imagine he was my husband.

Nikki
Nikki
Reply to  Mrs Jefferson

Your a cunt , why does it matter she was a rather large women ? Go eat a hot dog and shove it in your holes

peggy
peggy

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this article. My marriage ended over 30 years ago due to multiple affairs. We tried therapy but my ex refused to discuss the details of his affairs or answer my questions, many of which you noted in the article – how many affairs, when did they happen, who knew, etc. He and my friends would ask why I needed to know. I was unable to articulate well my reasons for needing to know, I just knew I did. Thank you for giving them to me now. It allows me to forgive myself for wanting to know.

A G Maxwell
A G Maxwell

The more sincere and committed the relationship from the faithful partner, the greater the agony , self-doubt and loss of self-esteem. Picking up the pieces will be difficult as it was a journey together in plans and dreams. The loss has to be grieved and integrated gradually for healing and going forward.

Lynda
Lynda

I was married for forty years and my husband had an affair, five months emotional and three months physical before he got caught in the act by the OW’s boyfriend, that was five months ago and he is still lying to me, I decided to stay and work on my marriage but by god it is so hard, I never know what is a lie and what is the truth.

Justin Griffin
Justin Griffin
Reply to  Lynda

You are not alone 🙏 every day is different. One step at a time

allie
allie

My husband had an affair 10 years ago and i still obsess over it. He continues to deny their were other affairs but I don’t believe him. How do you ever trust again? He continues to do shady stuff (posting ads on craigslist and printing out tumblr pics) and when I ask about it he tells me hard to believe stories . Any advice?

Josh
Josh
Reply to  allie

Accept he won’t change but don’t have to be taken in by the gaslighting. That seems to be worse than the initial affair for me at least

David
David
Reply to  Josh

I agree with you Josh. Gaslighting is for insecure people. It is also an admission of guilt in this case. My wife has this undocumented feature of teasing other men then faulters however she chooses. I’d appreciate her gaslighting to bug off. Im not the one she needs to worry about. God knows the truth

Ron
Ron

Allie,
I am so sorry you had to go through any of this. Trust is something that needs to be earned over time. If it has been 10 years since the affair happened and you still do not trust him then why are you still with him. He should have proved to you in that first year he could be trusted again. If you are suspecting another affair and if the circumstances feel somewhat similar to what happened 10 years ago then your hunches are probably right. You deserve better and you deserve to be loved and respected by someone who will care for you. You just need to decide whether you stay or move on.
Now I will share my experiences with an unfaithful wife. We were married only 10 months when I first caught my wife cheating. Before I did catch I knew something wasn’t right because she would not come home some nights. So I asked what was going on she just said she was staying at her cousins house but she did meet a really nice guy and that him and I would make great friends. So I brushed it off. Well the next weekend she went out again and didn’t come home. When she did come home I asked if she was having an affair and she confessed everything. She thought she loved him. My trust was shattered of course. But after about 6 months she earned my trust back because she proved to me that she did love me and only me. So fast forward 17 years. We have 4 beautiful kids. She is now a prominent member of our community and D.O.N. at a facility here. So she does the hiring and firing for her building. Well we know this younger male who is looking for a job. And his reputation is that he seeks out married women. He also has 5 kids with 3 women. We were both warned not to hire him numberous times. I pleaded with her not to hire him. So fast forward to March 2018 and things start feeling like 17 years ago. I look at the phone bill and one number kept popping up. Late night calls for hours on end. Checked her phone and everything was deleted. So I confronted her and it was the same stuff. You two would be great friends, he’s a super nice guy, blah blah blah. She wasn’t coming home at night, long hours at work. There is always an excuse. She has told me they just “kissed” but they have shared that they “love each other”. So my trust is shattered again and since this happened I have been approached by people saying they knew she had other affairs other than the 2 I know about. The difference this time is that I am not going to be stepped on and manipulated. She blamed me for her affairs. Saying I was the one cheating. I was faithful all 24 years that we were together. So I am moving ahead with a divorce. She can have him. I know I’m a better man, a better father, and a better person. And I now know I deserve someone who will love and respect me and only me.

Robyn from IA
Robyn from IA
Reply to  Ron

Ron, I am so sorry. This could be my story just replace she with he. It’s been 3 years since his “nothing” affair that he refuses to admit. Except I don’t have your courage. I am 40 years old now. He’s been doing this literally from day 1 of our marriage. We have 2 sons together who have only got a fraction of their mom bc I have been traumatized and devastated by his nothings. I have even tried bargaining w God if only he would show me actual proof besides the bits and pieces then I would be married to him, serve him completely. Yet I still do not get truth. Please pray for me. My name is Robyn and I could really use it. If only I could borrow your spine, bravery & ultimately your self worth.

Josh
Josh
Reply to  Robyn from IA

Same here. Understand and wish the world was different.

Matt
Matt

The stories here!! The trauma is so sad. My wife of 32 years old started hanging out with her work wife after a few months of working together. This girl was 23 years old
Running around with such a young woman got her into trouble. After year of being around her, they started going to the gym. This is where she met a man a year younger than me. I’m 35, tall, tanned, fit as hell, muscular, I have a career, and I’ve been described as good looking and hot. This piece of work that she met was kicked out of the Army, works two dead end jobs, was divorced himself, an alcoholic, short, fat, prematurely balding, and ugly. Anyway, they started talking in the gym. Then it was phone calls and texts. Then it was her and her friend going over to his house. Then going out for drinks
Then the next time she was at his house, they had sex. I was trying everything to woo her, but she was set with living like she was in her early twenties again. All while we had a nine year old daughter. Which she eventually moved out of the marital home and in with her 23 year old female friend. All after I had scheduled her a manicure and pedicure for her and my daughter for Mothers Day. And ordered her a sunflower dress (her favorite flower) to wear on that day. I did these things while abroad on business to make sure she still had a good mothers day. Then the next day she moved out and took our daughter with. Then fast forward a few weeks and I just thought she just fell out of love with me. Indecided to check the phone records. And this number popped up like crazy. I had my brother call it because I didn’t want them to know I found out or for him to hear my voice. But my brother had it on speaker. I will never forget that voice. She was swinging by the house that night so I could see Hannah off before another business trip. I asked her about the number and the guy that answered and she confessed to sleeping with him. Then come to find out, they were living in the same house that her friend was living in. With my daughter there. I don’t know what to do. She has since moved back in and told me a few details. But recovery has been a struggle. We went to a marraige counselor, but this counselor doesn’t seem to be sensitive to the betrayal that happened. My wife pretty much refuses to discuss the details or be truthful about questions I have. I have caught her in lies before and with stuff regarding this betrayal. She goes to individual therapy and says she wants to change. She has broke down to me multiple times about what she did to me. I just can’t seem to accept what happened and this shaky and unstructured recovery hasn’t helped. Oh, on a side note, minus being married and having a child, she did this very same thing to me before we were married; basically abandoned me, our home that we both had responsibilities to pay for, to go off and party and have sex with some dude. Any recommendations or thoughts on this?? I feel like even at 14 years together, 10 married, that she is just a lying, cheating, user.

Amber Fuentealba
Amber Fuentealba
Reply to  Matt

She needs to examine her commitment phobia, why is she unhappy and unable to settle down? I always trace it back to attachment issues, not to blame parents, but the world we lived in as children shapes our relationships for life.

Justin Griffin
Justin Griffin

Story sounds like déjà vu. Whenever possible I’ll make it a point to not let someone else’s actions dictate my own however that does not always work out for me. It has been three years the pain is still real‘s have not closed in the future is still uncertain however I do have to agree with Amanda. I’ve spent the last three years dedicating myself to doing everything I can to understand I want to know if the love was real if the love is real I have heard a lot about my wife things I never knew I’ve traced things back to our childhood she suffers from PTSD she’s never been around a properly functioning family or relationship the list goes on and on . And even though I have enough logic to know that forgiveness and standing true to the promises that I made is the right choice I still fight and emotional battle every day I still hurt I feel alone I feel betrayed I feel so many things that I’ve never felt in my entire life as a 36 year old man I have emotional problems that I’ve never had I have mental health issues I have trouble getting up and going to work some days I do believe she’s sorry I don’t believe she loves me but I’m not sure if she knows how to love herself so I guess I will stick around and see what tomorrow brings. Love patience understanding does the three things you have got to have an abundance of.

Cri
Cri

Just found out a month ago, that my husband of 7 years (together 8) had an affair for the past 2 years which only ended( he says) when the other woman’s boyfriend told me about.we have a 6 year old son and I am 4 months pregnant so just after our first baby scan I was told. My whole world broke. I don’t feel safe anymore and am scared to ever trust him or even dare to be happy again…he’s tried to reassure me , I have access to his phone, he even filed a harassment claim with the police to get her to stop contacting him as she was sending 40 emails a day at least and went so far to even send me an anonymous letter at my work place saying I shouldn’t believe his lies. He’s saying he was never going to leave me for her hence planing for the second child, he says he doesn’t know why he did what he did. They just connected, got drunk at a Christmas party, she came on to him and that’s how it started. He’s saying they didn’t meat as much every 4-6 weeks hence why I never found out, once or twice 2 times in a month when she’d moved in her own place for 3 months but then went back with her boyfriend and carried on the affair too. He even brought her in our house once when me and our son were out of the country…I can’t help obsessing over the sexual connection although he says it wasn’t very often I know he had issues with me at home and I’m sure is because he was with her. He’s saying he doesn’t think about her and is like he finally woke up. But I know they were emailing daily and it hurts me to know he loved someone else too. He’s 11 years older than me and 17 years older than her, though I’m much better looking so really can’t explain how he could forget he loved me and went on to do what he did for such a long time. He’s answered most of my questions just nothing seems to help me get a bit more positive about us and being pregnant is a worry that the unborn baby can be affected. Just hope anyone has some advice on how to get my mind off this all. Many thanks and sorry for the messy story.

I just care.
I just care.
Reply to  Cri

So sorry to here this, look up Dr Gabor Mate, he talked about children in uterou and parent trauma, nothing regards to this, but stress and imprinting on the child. It is something to be concerned about. All I can say, is in a world where trust is very hard to give as it seems people discard it or don’t value it, physical anything can be rationlized and dealt with even overlooked, for me emotional pain, trust and mindset are the biggest betrayer as it makes you question everything about yourself, and jorden peterson talked about this as well saying your whole world comes crashing down. Your reality is all false based on what you beleive to be true. You need to protect yourself, and the children. I know it’s hard, really hard but you have to.

Mollymagee
Mollymagee

I keep looking for articles that cover what the role of obsessing about a spouse’s affair partner does – is there any positives to it or have a just gone into the zone of Post Infedility Stress Disorder. It will be three years from DDay this July so at just over 2.5 years. At time of discovery we had 13 year old son living w/us on autism spectrum, who, due to my actual hitting rock bottom (I should have been hospitalized but doctor kept diminishing my need for it) hit rock bottom himself and had suicidal ideation and had to be hospitalized himself. I will regret that for the rest of my life… that I couldn’t be the rock he was used to having in his mom. I’ve slowly climbed my way out of this hole but I still obsess. We also have a daughter, age 28 and now married, who was fighting cancer and is doing better now. The affair started before her cancer diagnosis and he just continued on with it thru it… go figure. Ironically, at that time, while he was cheating emotionally (and then physically – most emotional affairs eventually lead to this)… I felt the closest I had felt to him our whole marriage. Yes, the sex had diminished but I felt emotionally close as a team and helping our kids. He was my best friend. He’s not anymore. That’s the saddest part. We had lots of hysterical bonding sex post the discovery… tho’ I didn’t know he had not ended it w/her and if I did… I would NOT have done that. He eventually ended it 3 months later officially. We had to get STD testing (they never use condoms) at age 53 and 59… gross right? We did therapy w/3 different therapists but it doesn’t do much because I still grapple with who I am and what I want to do. I’m still in recovery mode, not rebuilding mode. He knows that now. Thankfully I joined Al Anon about a year after discovery (I”m adult daughter of now deceased alcoholic but sober… dad) and came to realize that a lot of my devastation is related to that identity ACOA. But he knew how much abandonment issues I had w/significant men and still chose to attack my worst achilles heel… loss of men. I know he didn’t do it to hurt that hurt but he did and I told him he had to know a tsunami wave of hurt was coming for me if he got discovered – which they did – by accident, by me when he lent me his phone w/her texts/sexexts scrolling across his screen.. he forgot to close their secret app… while we were on a sweet vk w/o our kids for the first time since our daughter’s diagnosis. You can’t make this up. Now almost 3 years later, my mom recently died and the obsessive thoughts are back about his affair partner. I used to obsess about my parents post their divorce when I was four and onward and I would obsess about siblings, my father’s second wife and more. So I come by this as long term coping mechanism to not think about myself and focus on others as both anxiety and self soothing. I miss my mom so much and I’m mourning her hard but the obsession also distracts me from my grief. I have multiple griefs going on… my daughter’s health, my son’s mental health, my marriage as I knew it ending and my mom’s recent death. I am still with my husband for now… mostly for my son as he is a good dad and my son adores both of his and due to his spectrum diagnosis a separation would be hard on him. Now he’s 16 and I do think he knows this still might happen. I won’t do it to him while he’s still in HS though.. he’s too vulnerable. My husband has to know I’m mostly here for that reason. I told him my sponsor said his affair confused me on a profound level and my own goals right now are sticking to my Al Anon program, and doing self care, and trying to figure out who and what I am and what kind of life I want inside or post the marriage. I can’t do marriage repair til I know myself a bit more. I married young post losing my brother to AIDS in 80s, got pregnant w/my now husband as dating couple, had a child (the daughter) w/in 9 months of meeting and the rest of history. Now I’m 56 and for first time.. really asking who I am besides wife and mom and daughter and sister. It’s terrifying. My gut is that I will be ending this marriage eventually as my husband is my biggest trigger to this pain of obsessing about her. I’m hoping, w/enough program and therapy, that I can let go of them both someday and just be me… not betrayed wife, not pathetic hurt wife and not staying in marriage (if I do stay) for “sake of kids and family” but because being married to him makes me very happy again. He’s not a bad person he just did something so bad I am still not sure I can come back from it and move on into later middle age/pre old age (he’s now 64 and I’m turning 57 soon) with this hanging over our heads. It will always be there to some degree but this level of obsession, has, in some ways gotten worse- not better. I feel like it’s my brain rebelling against staying so long when it knows my heart wants to go. I’ve worked my butt off trying to get better from this betrayal but it has been, bar none, worse than losing anyone to death. I can vouch for that. Death is clean, in the sense we all share it – like birth, and part of all our lives – we as humans all experience it at some point by losing loved ones and then dying ourselves – but betrayal is not part of every marriage and couple story. It’s so sad and isolating and I know his affair partner in TX will never get and can never get how much she helped damage me, our kids and our family by doing what she did with my husband. If you have any thoughts on long term obsession Ellyn … I’d welcome them. Thank you and peace to all going thru this nightmare. MM (March 2019)

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
Reply to  Mollymagee

Hello MM,

Your story resonate with me since I have shared many of the same experiences and emotions you wrote of. I just wanted to say that I fully agree with your thoughts that the obsession is the manifestation of staying when you want to go. I’m staying for my son too, and counting the days until I can finally break free from this mental anguish. I want you to know you are NOT alone. You are NOT pathetic. You are an incredibly strong woman and a selfless mother who has prioritized the welfare of her children above her own. You are the opposite of your husband whose behavior was incredibly selfish. And please remember, you have a sister out here in the world that understands the hell you’re going through in a way that no one else can.

Tonia
Tonia

Thanks to (love solution spell. n e t) for everything, The two web place belong to (sango priestess love solution @outlook. c o m)

June
June
Reply to  Tonia

Why haven’t you left his sorry butt? Please realize the following, which I had put to me by my therapist many years go, and I had a man set to inherit millions and a child on the spectrum: you have 2 choices. 1) go back to college and acquire a career that you can easily support yourself with while still married to him, or 2) don’t leave, reap the rewards of living lavishly without love. If you choose 2, you must realize it’s your choice and you’re not allowed to bitch and moan. Now, you do the same. One or the other.

Sad in the suburbs
Sad in the suburbs

I have been married for 20 years emotionally abused for 15 years. My husband has had one emotional affair and currently in a physical and emotional affair for 2 years. I followed him to her place of employment a few months ago. He comes home from work and showers right away. He leaves evidence in his boxers until he realized I knew now he wipes himself on the inside of his shirt. I have been in therapy for this for a year and the lack of communication between us is bad along with not wanting to talk about anything intense. Small talk only. Now he can’t even get an erection with me . I’m heartbroken beyond belief. We have four kids and they see how angry and sad I am. It’s not fair to these kids! I am trying to catch him and he knows it. Please help us.!! The pain is unbearable! God didn’t put me on this earth to be treated so horribly. I don’t want to love anymore!!!

I just care.
I just care.

Pay the money higher a PI for your own sanity, at the same time focus on yourself, your morning routine, your workout, excerise every day, even walk. I know it’s hard, but you were you before him, you are still in thier, find her again, even 20 years later. You are alone in this, daily routine, excersise, and focus on you. The rest will work its self out, and God forbid, as he starts to notice maybe build you up or tear you down, stay the course. You need confidence in you again.

Delores
Delores

I have been with my husband 30 years he had an affair. It happened a little over a year ago but it led to me finding out he had multiple affairs over the years. I really only confronted him about the one but in honesty finding out was just to painful.

J
J

I found out 2 months ago my husband has been having an emotional and intimate affair with a co-worker for 4 months when I first found out he tried to down play the relationship and say they weren’t intimate and it was just conversations he lied about who she was and where she was from.. a month later she contacts me with more information regarding there relationship and that she was pregnant by him.. we have been together for 9 years 3 years married we also have a 10 year old daughter. He says he wants our marriage and wants to work things out but I don’t know if I can trust him again, after reading there messages how he said he loved her and wanted to be with her broke my heart and to deal with him possibly being the father to her child.. I don’t know how to start

Zara spencer
Zara spencer
Reply to  J

So sorry you’re going through this it’s the worst – the minimising and down playing is usual when they’re caught – I hope you can find peace x

Andrew
Andrew

Really helpful and insightful. Looking for healing and this is a great article.

CÄCILIE.Yuma
CÄCILIE.Yuma

I forgave my husband again and again but I always discovered with the help of spymasterpro3x @ gmail that the affair was still ongoing. I’m trying to soften my heart because we are still married with 2 wonderful sons meanwhile he keeps this woman. Please write the gmail contact correctly you need an opinion.

Feedup
Feedup

Ok thanks for the advice. Here’s my story and maybe you can help me to understand what I need to do next. My wife and I started dating when she was in her jr year of high school and continued till just before graduation at which point she lied to me about going to the races (a place I took her first) with a guy from school a friend I knew as well. This wasn’t the first or only lie I’d caught her in to me but it was the most serious to date. I broke it off with her and she was married to different guy entirely within a year and pregnant a couple of years in. After the baby was born she began going out without her husband because she said he was a homebody and boring and never wanted to take her out she explained the first time I ran into her at a club in town. Skip ahead a year or so and she’s divorced him and we’re dating again. Her best friend tells me one night that she is seeing a man 20+ years older that lives a mile down the street from where she is living now and 3 doors down from the house she grew up in. We again break up after she admits to it. Fast forward a year and she’s convinced me that she has changed and we’re engaged (yeah it sounds stupid to me too now I know) and married.
Fast forward another couple of years and we ended up at my suggestion trying swinging (I thought it would fulfill her apparent desire for variety without the need for deception) with the rules of no kissing, no one we knew or know whether they are in the lifestyle or not that we didn’t meet online, no repeat performances ever, no meetings except as a couple (no solo hookups). That lasted a couple of months and I find her texting with a previous guy ( because she couldn’t stand the idea of me with another woman and sabotaged the only 2 encounters that involved another couple) setting up a meeting without me. Followed closely by finding emails between her and a local vendor she had been working with for a couple of years and developed an emotional connection with.
Skip ahead past 3 more full blown affairs that I know of and we have a 17 yo daughter now and past out 20th anniversary been knowing each other over 30 years and she is now a devout Christian and the daily secretary of the church and she’s spending more time with a guy who used to be my friend and refuses to stop seeing him. Recently found a different guy calling her and she had a fake name in her contacts list for him and lied immediately about it only to be caught and confronted later.
My question is this, your advice above sounds like it possibly has some merit in it but how can I possibly ever believe anything she says, how can I not fear where she is, who she’s with, and what they are doing. What makes a woman so fucking callous and deceitful. What is she getting from this? I’ve quit my job, stopped providing, removed her safety net financially and spun through the pits of hell for a very long time. Is anything you wrote viable in my situation?

Lauren William
Lauren William

May i use this opportunity to share my story on how my husband almost left me and our 3 kids for another woman!
Well, we’ve been married for 15 years now, our marriage wasn’t that perfect, but at least my husband and i was faithful and our love and tolerance for each other improved as the years go by. My husband is a medical doctor and a member of Doctors without borders ” Médecins Sans Frontières. He’s line of work made him travels half the world, to help 3rd world countries with epidemic disease. His work was not an issue for our marriage, until he got this need Personal assistant that travels with him; she’s a beautiful young black lady that i never liked from the day my husband introduced her. Well maybe i was just being a jealous wife; but i could feel in my guts that this could be a threat to our marriage, because of his frequent travels. I tried to remain calm and pray my husband don’t break our marriage vows. 

2 years later everything was going well and i had already removed my mind from my insecurities trusting my husband integrity. On a faithful day i went for jewelry shopping, in our favorite jewelry shop, i saw a wristwatch i really liked ” Hublot Big Bang Broderie” it was expensive but i couldn’t
resist, so i asked the sales rep to add it to my collection; only for her to tell me that my husband had already purchased the item a week before, if i would still like to add to my collections. I was in shock
I had to inquire about the details of the purchase and the address it was sent to.
I trace the address to find out who this person was, to my greatest Surprise it was sent to one ballerina teacher; who looked pregnant. At that point i was terrified and went back home. When my husband came back i accused him of cheating with his personal assistant, he looked at me ridiculously and said i was crazy, but when i mention the pregnant ballerina teacher, he was in shock; his facial expression confirmed it, i burst
into tears and my husband walked out. 3 days later, he came back home; instead of my husband telling me it was a mistake, he said to me ” He is a different man now and if couldn’t live with the facts that a ballerina teacher is having his child, i could walk away; I was broken and felt like a piece of shit, after all we’ve been through. 

Well i ended up leaving with the kids to my mother’s house in New Orleans . Few months later i heard the lady had moved in. I couldn’t just sit down and watch another woman take away my husband like that. I began searching for ways to get back in his life, all physical attempt i made was to no good.
So, i got really desperate and one of my friends suggested i use an enchantment or a Voodoo; it sounded ridiculous but my desperation made me give in to her suggestions.
She’s originally from Haiti and advise me to reach out to Mr. Ricardo Legba :a Haitian voodoo priest based in US.

I did not know what to expect when i contacted him but after he did a voodoo enchantment for my husband to return to me; it worked like magic.

4 days later, after he had done the enchantment, my husband was standing on my mother’s door, begging me to come back home, he and the ballerina lady had issues and she moved out of town and his ready to fix our marriage and renew our vows. It was a huge relief for me, believe me .
Since that day, I am back in control… my husband decided to be stationed in our local community, no longer traveling half the world.
Till this moment i am forever grateful the voodoo priest Mr Ricardo Legba, i regularly pay homage to the priest for spiritual guidance. Anyone with marital or other life issues
can also reach him for help; i guarantee you will bless me for sharing his information; email:papalegbavoodoohome at yahoo.com

Margaret Daley
Margaret Daley

Lord Zakuza is sacred in my heart after he helped me to get back my ex lover. I’m so happy knowing Lord Zakuza. Email him on lordzakuza7 @ gmail. com for any help

Tonia Anderson
Tonia Anderson

Hi, are you finding a hard time to put your relationship back in order? Worry no more for Lord Zakuza is here help for I got my partner through him. Email: lordzakuza7 @ gmail. com

Mel nye
Mel nye

My wife cheated on me years ago. She had told me about it, but only because her affair partner became my friend while they were cheating, in fact she introduced me to him. Then 8 years later I find out there was a 9 to 10 month affair. I’m having a difficult time especially since it re hashed all the old feelings why on earth would she want me to be anywhere near this guy????

John Wallman
John Wallman

Have you heard of lord Bubuza? This man is a great Spell caster. He is capable of using his spell to give correct lottery winning numbers, I became a millionaire with the help of his lottery winning numbers. Contact him for help to win via lordbubuzamiraclework (AT) hot mail (DOT) com

John Wallman
John Wallman
Reply to  John Wallman

I am a retired construction manager, my name is John Wallman. After retirement, I started playing the lotto game but winning became a problem. I started researching online when I saw how people testified about lord Bubuza, a great Spell caster who has helped so many win the lotto game with his spell. I contacted him and told him how unlucky I was in my lotto games. Lord Bubuza said he will help me win the lottery game by casting a spell and revealing the right lottery winning numbers to me, I did as he instructed and the spell was casted. He gave me the lottery numbers and instructed me to play the game. It was like a dream when I got a notification from the national lottery app about my win, I called the lottery phone numbers and they confirmed to me that I won £1,000,000 pounds. I just couldn’t hold my joyous tears because I have payed the lotto game for long without luck but after playing with the numbers lord Bubuza game me, I became a millionaire. All thanks to lord Bubuza, He is a great spell caster and testifying about you is my little way to appreciate you sir. His info: lordbubuzamiraclework (AT) hot mail (DOT) com

John Wallman
John Wallman

I am a retired construction manager, my name is John Wallman. After retirement, I started playing the lotto game but winning became a problem. I started researching online when I saw how people testified about lord Bubuza, a great Spell caster who has helped so many win the lotto game with his spell. I contacted him and told him how unlucky I was in my lotto games. Lord Bubuza said he will help me win the lottery game by casting a spell and revealing the right lottery winning numbers to me, I did as he instructed and the spell was casted. He gave me the lottery numbers and instructed me to play the game. It was like a dream when I got a notification from the national lottery app about my win, I called the lottery phone numbers and they confirmed to me that I won £1,000,000 pounds. I just couldn’t hold my joyous tears because I have payed the lotto game for long without luck but after playing with the numbers lord Bubuza game me, I became a millionaire. All thanks to lord Bubuza, He is a great spell caster and testifying about you is my little way to appreciate you sir. His info: lordbubuzamiraclework (AT) hot mail (DOT) com

Nanya
Nanya

Three years after the divorce the truth finally came out. He had been having an affair with one of his employees who was also married at the time. I’ve since learned the affair started five years ago. Her divorce was final last year which is when they decided to take the relationship “public”. Although not exactly. He brought her around the family and our daughter but they still had to hide the relationship from everyone else because he’s the president of the company and she’s a lower level employee, for optics, plus there were others in the company who suspected there was something inappropriate in the past. So to be clear, I filed for divorce and he loves to play the martyr role about that, but anyone who saw what was going on in the marriage, how awful he treated me and even our daughter at times would attest that there was no other option. As I prepared to file, I interviewed several of the top divorce attorneys in the county, they all told me the same thing. In all the years they had been practicing, whenever they’ve encountered these situations, there was always another women. I knew they were right but living in a no fault state, Proving it wasn’t going to change the terms of the divorce and at the time I just needed to move on. Fast forward three years post divorce and it hurts more knowing now. Likely because I had fully moved on. We were co-parenting well, and even friendly with each other. Learning the truth so late in the game just reopened all the healed wounds and now I’m just bitter and angry. Even during the worst part of the divorce I was never bitter. I feel like this has changed me and not for the better. I hate him. I hate him so much he could drop off of the face of the earth today and I would be very happy. So, how did I find out? He broke it off with the woman for a very short time and she spilled everything on to more than one person, one of which happens to be my closest friend. Why did she do that? No one knows. I actually think she was trying to screw him over because I later learned he promised her a promotion. When I found out I didn’t yell at him or make trouble. I simply told him that he needed to ask her why she was taking to so many people about such personal things and then I set my boundaries. All communication from that point forward I insisted be through email. Never text message, and here’s the reason why. The wounds were open again and he triggers me. Allowing him access to me through text messages is a recipe for disaster. With email I can chose what to open and read and when, thereby controlling my reaction. That’s it. That’s how I handled this situation. By setting boundaries and now he’s crying to our adult daughter about how he can’t believe I could do this to him. Sigh. Always the martyr, yet I’m the one who’s still hurting. I need to let this go. I need to re-heal and move on, and yet I’m totally devastated.

Emily Walters
Emily Walters

Here is my testimony.. I thought it was over for me when my ex left. I gave all I had for the relationship to work but it was all failure. 4month after my partner left me for another person, I was introduced to Dr Nana and he helped me bring back my ex in 11hrs. Now we are fully married and I am 2months pregnant. I promised Dr Nana that i will tell everybody about him if it works. I am very glad to be living a happy life with my love. He did it for me and I am 100% sure that he will do yours. I am a living example.  nanakwakuspiritualist at g mail. com 

terry
terry

I am here to say thank you to priest adu for his marvelous work and his great spirits for saving my marriage. No one would have believe that I and my wife will ever come back together again. But this great solution temple reunite us within 48 hours and we are now happily together in our marriage again… Contact him now if you are going through relationship problem on: https://solution-temple.webnode.com

Keith Troy Baker
Keith Troy Baker

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstances. I give God all the glory for bringing Ultimate Spell into my life for helping me get my wife back that got me divorced for one year. I was the last person on earth to accept the fact that spells exist or work not until I was referred to Ultimate Spell online to who has helped so many people with his powerful spells. I had no other option than to give it a try because 3 months after the divorce, I was demoted at my place of work due to depression for I don’t know what to do to get her back but thank God today for using Ultimate Spell to get my happiness and love life back within 48 hours. Just last week here, I was promoted back to my position and I’m here to share my own experience with this man called Ultimate Spell. I don’t know what you are going through today but know that in all situation there’s always a way out. Ultimate Spell also prepares spells like Lottery spell, job spell, spell to stop a divorce, spell cure for any diseases, protection spell, spell to become successful and wealthy E.T.C. Visit His website https://rb.gy/zavk50 or Email on: {ultimatespell666 @ gmail. com}

LAURA
LAURA

I don’t know how to explain this.. I am overwhelmed with happiness, You say it and it comes to pass Dr Oniha..OMG! This is more like a miracle. You are a God sent to me..I love you and I will forever testify about your services to other people who are also facing marital problems. You make my whole life a living testimony. My Man is back according to your word. All thanks to you Dr Oniha. I will forever be grateful to you. Bless you! Bless you!! bless you!!! Anyone out there having similar problems in his/her marital home should contact this great spell caster he can be of help. Contact Dr Oniha on his website or email. 
onihaspells .com

Joe and Jess Thwaite
Joe and Jess Thwaite

JOE AND JESS THWAITE, FROM GLOUCESTER, SCOOPED A RECORD BREAKING £184,262,899 WITH A LUCKY DIP TICKET ON THE DRAW ON TUESDAY MAY 10TH: I am a communications sales engineer, my name is Joe Thwaite, things weren’t working well for us so my wife Jess Thwaite had to run a hairdressing salon with her sisters so that we could pay the family bills together. I love playing the lottery and my wife has always supported me but Winning became a problem. I was online one evening researching when I came across comments where different people thank a spell caster called Lord Bubuza for giving them the right lottery winning numbers. I showed it to my wife and she suggested we give it a try. I contacted Lord Bubuza for help to win too and he responded. He said lottery numbers are revealed by his gods (Oracle) after casting a lottery spell so we provided his requirements to cast the spell and after casting the spell he gave us the numbers. We are so surprised that our numbers emerged winning £184m EuroMillions jackpot. All Thanks to Lord for his spell. Join us appreciate him via website: Lordbubuzamiraclework. com or email: Lordbubuzamiraclework @ hot mail . com

Joe and Jess Thwaite
Joe and Jess Thwaite

JOE AND JESS THWAITE, FROM GLOUCESTER, SCOOPED A RECORD BREAKING £184,262,899 WITH A LUCKY DIP TICKET ON THE DRAW ON TUESDAY MAY 10TH: I am a communications sales engineer, my name is Joe Thwaite, things weren’t working well for us so my wife Jess Thwaite had to run a hairdressing salon with her sisters so that we could pay the family bills together. I love playing the lottery and my wife has always supported me but Winning became a problem. I was online one evening researching when I came across comments where different people thank a spell caster called Lord Bubuza for giving them the right lottery winning numbers. I showed it to my wife and she suggested we give it a try. I contacted Lord Bubuza for help to win too and he responded. He said lottery numbers are revealed by his gods (Oracle) after casting a lottery spell so we provided his requirements to cast the spell and after casting the spell he gave us the numbers. We are so surprised that our numbers emerged winning £184m EuroMillions jackpot. All Thanks to Lord for his spell. Join us appreciate him via website: Lordbubuzamiraclework . com or email: Lordbubuzamiraclework @ hot mail . com

Joe and Jess Thwaite
Joe and Jess Thwaite

JOE AND JESS THWAITE, FROM GLOUCESTER, SCOOPED A RECORD BREAKING £184,262,899 WITH A LUCKY DIP TICKET ON THE DRAW ON TUESDAY MAY 10TH: I am a communications sales engineer, my name is Joe Thwaite, things weren’t working well for us so my wife Jess Thwaite had to run a hairdressing salon with her sisters so that we could pay the family bills together. I love playing the lottery and my wife has always supported me but Winning became a problem. I was online one evening researching when I came across comments where different people thank a spell caster called Lord Bubuza for giving them the right lottery winning numbers. I showed it to my wife and she suggested we give it a try. I contacted Lord Bubuza for help to win too and he responded. He said lottery numbers are revealed by his gods (Oracle) after casting a lottery spell so we provided his requirements to cast the spell and after casting the spell he gave us the numbers. We are so surprised that our numbers emerged winning £184m EuroMillions jackpot. All Thanks to Lord for his spell. Join us appreciate him via website: Lordbubuzamiraclework . com or email: Lordbubuzamiraclework @ hot mail . com

Sophia
Sophia

I was married for 7 years with 2 kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me because i loved him with all my heart but everything just didn’t work out. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man Called Dr. Okojie who eventually helped me out with his love spell which broke the barrier in my marriage… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly because I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used the spell… Within three days my husband called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced Dr, Okojie to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they all have had good news… Just thought I should spread my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it. Email him: {Okojieherbal@gmail.com}

Laura Levin
Laura Levin

I have a client (in individual therapy) who had a brief affair, and we have been working from the perspective that this is a chance to rework some of what had become stagnant or unexamined in her 20 year couple relationship. She takes responsibility and has a fair amount of insight, as well as accepts that she owes her husband details to help him understand her context for acting out in the way she did. She has even been (in my opinion) too willing to be grilled repeatedly about the details, including woken up in the middle of the night to answer his questions when he is obsessing and can’t sleep. Recently she let me know that his obsession has moved into sexual detail (penis size comparison, sexual acts done, etc) which seems hugely inappropriate. Am I wrong on this? They have a couple’s therapist, but my client reports the sexual questions only come up outside the sessions, and my client is hesitant to “throw him under the bus” in telling the couple’s therapist her discomfort with his sexual questions. Any thoughts about how to frame boundaries about what obsessions are normal and useful to indulge given the breach in trust, and which are going to be not useful or even harmful to answer? My client reports they have a mutually satisfying sex life, but it does seem like sexual insecurity undoubtedly lies under the quest for sexual details?

Pearl
Pearl


Caroline Eli
Caroline Eli

I completely prefer the services of love spells to everyone. I got the best results for my love problems. For any information Whats App +1 404 919 5577

Doldenwood
Doldenwood

Infidelity, cheating is what my wife accused me of and wants divorce. she filled for divorce after 22 years of marriage.

Doldenwood
Doldenwood

She is angry I once had a relationship with her sister when I was in Vegas. I hadn´t even met my wife then, she found out and told me because she can´t bear the pain that I didn´t tell her all this years of our marriage. I do not think it´s important because It happened 4 years before I met my wife at the airport and we started being friends and we dated for about a month or two and we got married. It was when we were getting married I found out they were sisters. She was the elder sister to my wife. We have 4 grown up teenagers together, I do not understand why all these matters. Her sister is also married to someone else and they are happy, I do not know why my wife can´t let go even after so much apology

Doldenwood
Doldenwood

But to my greatest surprise, I came across a psychic I found that helped my marriage

Doldenwood
Doldenwood

But to my greatest surprise, I came across a psychic I found that helped my marriage, whom so many people where talking good reviews about on Yelp. He helped me out to cast a love reuniting forgiving spell that made my wife come to me just last week to reconcile back to me and cancel the on going divorce. we have immediately renew our marriage vows and promise to love each other more than ever till death do us part.

Doldenwood
Doldenwood

What would I have done if not for this love solution temple priestess sango?? send messages to get quick response. I have never been this happen with my wife in years ever since she found out.

Doldenwood
Doldenwood

sango priestess love solution AT outlook . c om

JanetJudy
JanetJudy

My husband who left me for a young girl of 21 years old is back begging me to accept him back, he left me and our 2 kids to go be with this young flirt. well I love my husband so much that I couldn´t handle him leave me and our kids. So i used a psychic love spell to bring him back.

JanetJudy
JanetJudy

Only to find out that the young lady gave my husband a love potion to turn his back against his family. I am glad we are back now. the witch psychic is so powerful.

Curtis
Curtis

I am still dealing with old feelings from my wife’s affair with her doctor forty years ago. She has never wanted to talk about it and for over thirty five years I managed to push it into the far recesses of my mind. When #metoo took off in late 2017, and various public figures got outed in the media for some fairly old cases of sexual abuse in relationships of power male figures with vulnerable women they abused, it brought the entire memory back to me. Yet my wife still refuses to discuss what happened and to answer some simple questions about her affair. Suggestions?

Joanne Gendron
Joanne Gendron

My husband has been living with his girlfriend after a one year on and off affair Because I tried to understand and could not, he moved out 3 months ago and states he won’t be returning however states he still loves me. How do I handle this it’s so heartbreaking and confusing Thank you joanne Gendron

Jernita
Jernita

I thought I have lost it all when my husband abandoned our marriage and our kids just to follow his new found college girl. after three years of being apart,

shelly jake
shelly jake

After 7 Years in a relationship with my Boyfriend, my Boyfriend started going out with other girls and showing me cold love, on several occasions he threatens to broke-up with me if I dare question him about his affair with other girls, I was totally devastated and confused but i was always optimistic that things will change because I love my boyfriend with all my heart. luckily an old friend of mine told me about a spell caster on the internet called DR.BALBOSA who help people with their relationship and marriage problem by the powers of love Spells, At first I doubted If such thing ever exists but decided to give it a try and luckily for me, i and DR.BALBOSA live in the same city so i went to see him in his Apartment with my friend…DR.BALBOSA is such a great man, he told me everything I needed to do and he also checked the connection between i and my boyfriend, so he helped me cast a Love Spell and within 48Hours my boyfriend came back to me and started apologizing, now he has stopped going out with girls and he is with me for good and for real. words cant describe how grateful i am to DR BALBOSA. please endeavor to contact him for any relationship issues and he will always help you. God Bless You from shelly jake..
CONTACT DR BALBOSA ON: 
WEBSITE: https://balbosasolutionhome.com

Dr. Ellyn Bader

Dr. Ellyn Bader is Co-Founder & Director of The Couples Institute and creator of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Ellyn is widely recognized as an expert in couples therapy, and since 2006 she has led innovative online training programs for therapists. Professionals from around the world connect with her through internet, conference calls and blog discussions to study couples therapy. Ellyn’s first book, "In Quest of the Mythical Mate," won the Clark Vincent Award by the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists for its outstanding contribution to the field of marital therapy and is now in its 18th printing. She has been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News," and she has been quoted in many publications including "The New York Times," "The Oprah Magazine" and "Cosmopolitan."
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