P&E Oct2013_225

 

To kick off the 2013-2014 “Academic Year,” Pete and I presented a Bonus Call for group members on the therapist's role as a leader.  We are pleased to share it with you here to add to our ongoing discussion of your role in leading change.

 

On this page we give you the audio recording of the call. In addition, we've included a brief written summary of what the call covers. Listening to the call will provide you with more depth, including an exercise to develop your own leadership skills. There are also additional discussions and examples from sessions with couples.


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Summary of Pete and Ellyn's Bonus Call

This summary of our call was written by Nancy St. John, a therapist from Tullamore, Ireland, who participates in the Online Training Program.

The Three Cornerstones of Good Therapy:

  1. Theory – how we think about problems
  2. Interventions – what we actually do, say, interpret etc.
  3. Who we are as people, as an individual who actually helps create change and transformation – this is the part we’re going to focus on; who we are as the driver of transformation, bringing your heart into the work as well as the theory and technique 

Different Styles of Leadership – Creating change in systems: what kind of traits make up a good leader?

James McGregor Burns originated the concept of Transformational Leadership. He says that one of the characteristics of transformational leaders is they work with whoever is in the system to advance to a higher level of morale and to a higher level of motivation and that the leaders and the constituents both push each other. So being in the system you just know that you’re going to be pushed. In that process transformation leaders are able to inspire others to change their expectations, their perceptions, their motivation, and develop the ability to work more like a team or to work towards common goals.

Bernard Bass divided transformational leadership into four categories:

  1. Inspirational Motivation – a leader is able to articulate a vision that is appealing and can inspire the constituents. Often there is so much negativity in a system that constituents need a strong sense of purpose if they’re going to develop motivation, so the leader has to be the one that holds on to the vision when the constituents are unable to, and can voice the vision or outcome that people are looking for. Doing that over time helps people invest more effort in the tasks it’s going to take, become more optimistic about their future and believe in their own ability.
  2. Focusing on the Individuals in the System – the leader is able to act like a coach at times. They are able to see and point out the contributions each separate person makes to the team. The people involved develop a greater will to develop themselves and over time gain more motivation.
  3. Intellectual Stimulation – the leader is willing to challenge assumptions that members of a system have, to challenge the symbiotic expectations people bring into their relationship. These leaders are able to take risks, ask people to think more deeply about things and to work harder to solve difficult problems.
  4. Idealized Influence – this has to do with the role model the leader portrays. The more the leader is able to portray a role model worthy of respect and trust, the more likely it is to get action from the people involved in the system.

There are a number of complex skills and perspectives you have to bring to your consultation room. We assess them and help group members develop them in our online training program but not on this free sample page.

Responding to the question, “What should I do about my marriage, stay or leave?” Pete gave a response using the 3-Chair Approach:

Rather than turning the question back to them you can say, “The question you ask is really complex so I’m going to give you a complex response. I’m going to give you three different responses to the question whether you should leave or stay. I’m going to sit in three different chairs and I will give you a response from each chair and I want you to pay attention to how you feel as I talk from each chair.”

Working with a Hostile Angry Couple:

Taking leadership with a hostile, highly activated couple means you’re going to have to be a lot more directive than you are when you do individual therapy. It is essential to prepare both partners for the work of therapy by getting their permission to interrupt. Explain that to be effective it will be necessary for you to intervene. Get their permission while they are calm. Then when they get angry or distressed you can step in and explain that this is one of those times we talked about and help them to find a more effective way through this.

What couples are so focused on is how much they hurt each other in the past and that’s such a primary driver of what goes on and when they don’t have more positive experiences to build on then all they do is quickly revert to that very painful or hurtful past. When a person focuses on what my partner has done to me, their mind is frozen in the past, and not much is going to happen until they learn to thaw out their brain because it is frozen in the past.

Challenging Ineffective Behaviors:

Rule of Thumb for Change Agents
#1 STAY ALIVE

Staying alive means staying in touch with your purpose, your skills, your emotions, your labels, your positions. It means not being trapped in other people’s games. It means turning yourself on and off rather than being dependent or reactive to the situation. It means choosing with a view to the consequences as well as the impulse. It means going with the flow even while swimming against it. It means living in several worlds without being swallowed up in any. It means seeing the lemons as opportunities for creativity. It means greeting absurdity with laughter while trying to unscramble it and it means capturing the moment in light of the future.

 

This audio was recorded during my Developmental Model online training program. The call is an example of the rich material, innovative ideas, practical interventions and personal interaction that participants enjoy in my group. If you are interested in learning a bit more about our online Developmental Model training program, you can click here. From there you can also get on the training waiting list to register early before we open up the training to everyone in mid-January.

 

 

 

 

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reema
reema

Dear ellyn n pete, Great insights, especially the 3 chair approach. I always was unsure how to answer that question for couples!
Thank you!

Beverly Zagofsky
Beverly Zagofsky

I have been in the same position as Pete many times, and though I sometimes I feel the easier response is to lay out answers like the 3 chair method, in the long term and more helpful, is getting the patient to explore his/her thoughts about why they are even asking the question. I find that the less words I use vs the more words they use make me more effective as a Therapist.

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Learn from a pioneer and leader in couples therapy training as she shares exactly what to say in difficult therapy sessions.
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