An Unexpected Opening for Confronting Hypocrisy

“Compassion is a lifetime business. You can't say something like, ‘I will have compassion on Monday, Thursdays and Fridays only. But for the rest, I will be cruel’. That is hypocrisy.”  – Israelmore Ayivor

Today we’re examining a session with a volatile couple that quickly escalate and change topics. They don’t listen well to each other. They have a long history of accusing each other and wanting the other partner to be accountable for behavior while they themselves yell, criticize, demean and take pot shots. They are often spiteful and nasty. They want to work it out, but are pessimistic.

The husband starts this session wanting to discuss issues about his upcoming retirement. We begin with him as an Initiator and his wife as an Inquirer. She asks two questions about when he wants to retire and what he wants to do in retirement and then she shifts to her concerns.

Wife: Are we going to make it as a couple? It’s stupid to talk about retirement when no one knows if we can really make it that far.  (This statement is what I call a massive wipeout. In one simple sentence, she has wiped out the significance of his concerns and justified elevating her own concerns to prominence.)

Husband: If we are going to stay together, I want to talk about the future and where we will live and how I will be spending my time.

She continues asking more questions based in her fears about her future.

Therapist to Wife: I’m about to ask a pointed question that won’t sound very good to one part of you, but I hope another part of you will respond open-mindedly. Are you aware how quickly you changed the subject to your own concerns?

Wife: Yes, very aware.

Therapist to Wife: Great. Now one more pointed question. Are you aware of how quickly you brushed aside your husband’s concerns?

Wife: Yes, kind of.

Therapist: I am confused. You complain so often about Jack not listening to you. You say he is callous and insensitive. Now, he brings up something very meaningful to him and you derail it to focus on your concerns.

(Long tense silence)

Wife: Well actually I’m probably as callous as he is.

Therapist: I appreciate you acknowledging that you can also be as callous as you perceive him to be. And you can see in yourself the very things you accuse him of being.

Wife: It’s crazy that we can’t talk. This isn’t any fun. (Possibly an attempt to derail me.)

Therapist: To be a team takes effort.  Sometimes it means not indulging our impulses. It can take a lot of self-discipline.

Wife: I am disciplined in some areas – otherwise our house would be a mess.

Therapist: It’s true that you are organized and disciplined in many, many areas, like your house.  (I stroke her to lower her defensiveness and I avoid saying, “yes but,” which would lead us into an unproductive confrontation. I continue, however, to see if I can increase her accountability.)

I am talking about the self-discipline it takes to avoid blaming, name- calling, criticizing or even withdrawing. It takes remembering why you’d want to go to your higher self. It takes asking yourself, “How do I aspire to be right now in the middle of this argument or in the middle of this discussion?” no matter how Jack is being. (I use education to reinforce my confrontation while giving her direction about what she can do to be successful.)

Wife: That is hard.

Therapist: Yes it is hard to resist the impulse to defend and to cross complain or change the topic.  It is very hard. Yet accomplishing it would mean you’d be in integrity with yourself.

Wife: What do you mean?

Therapist: Right now you say you want Jack to be accountable for how he treats you. Yet, you allow yourself to treat him in the same ways you hate being treated. How do you make sense out of that? (Here I move from education to intensify the confrontation and create some discomfort in her.)

Wife: When you put it like that, I can’t really make sense of it or defend it.

What would you do with this moment of truth? Do you challenge her more? Do you stroke her openness? Do you intensify the focus on her hypocrisy even further?

What are some of the ways you can tell if your confrontation is working?

Please share your thoughts on the blog. I will read them and give a possible next intervention as well.

Thank you again for your interest in this series on hypocrisy and your commitment to couples therapy.

For more information on my online training program, where we cover these kinds of challenges and many more, visit Developmental Model of Couples Therapy: Integrating Attachment, Differentiation and Neuroscience.

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Sylvia Kaneko
Sylvia Kaneko

To wife: Might you be ready to signal Jack that you a bit more ready to listen to his concerns?

Jean Baker
Jean Baker

I would want to reinforce the wife’s shift, with that last comment, since she is being less defensive in the moment as the therapist confronts her with the hypocrisy. That seems
huge, given how prominent the defensiveness has been.

Jacob
Jacob

I would spend some time empathizing with that part in the wife that makes it difficult for her to listen to her husband about his retirement, to give this part some validation and value, to let it enjoy deep listening and relax – otherwise it will continue to sabotage real listening.

Mirei
Mirei
Reply to  Jacob

I agree with that. That’s something that commonly happens when neither partner feels heard. As a wife who’s been there, it’s VERY hard to make yourself listen when you haven’t been heard yourself. Especially if you’ve already tried to be the one to give first, break the stalemate and listen, only to still not be heard. It’s easy to feel like it ought to be your turn by now, that your turn to be heard is long overdue, and start feeling resentful.

Geoffry White
Geoffry White

I think it’s asking too much for her to “control herself”. I would get her fears about the marriage out in he open first, reassure her they will be addressed in the session but first she will be helped to make it safe for her husband to disclosure his retirement issues. Then I would role play to the point of boredom her being in the inquirer role.

Nancy
Nancy

Next I’d like them to have a positive experience with this dialogue. You’ve talked to them about the ways they don’t want to be when they’re having a difficult conversation, so I’d spend some time getting her to name the qualities she needs to bring to the fore to be an effective listener.
I might not ask her to summarise what her husband has said as it seems she was listening from a defensive position so I’d do the summary and then say “Let’s back up to where Jack said…” and take it from there.
Thank you for this series on hypocrisy Ellyn. I have learned so much from it!

Naomi Rudo
Naomi Rudo

To wife: You can’t make sense of it; you’ve begun to reflect and question yourself about your response. Would you be willing to challenge yourself to try a different response to Jack?
…okay. Go ahead…

Vivian Baruch
Vivian Baruch

After the wife says “When you put it like that, I can’t really make sense of it or defend it”, I’d stroke her by saying “Well said! Would you be open to having another go with me coaching you in listening to your husband’s concerns?”

Tom Johnston
Tom Johnston

I’d take them back to the original agreement: he agreed to initiate and she agreed to inquire about (listen to) his concerns for how many minutes? When they go back to the original agreement, they can rebuild trust that has been lost that the structure the therapist provides can work as long as the agreements are clear, each side buys in and the therapist maintains and does not forget them.

Bill
Bill

I might try saying something like, “So which part of you would you rather pursue… the part that wants to keep defending yourself or the part of you that is trying to make some sense of how you two treat each other so that you can get out of this stalemate of blame and defensiveness but instead really connect in a way so that both of you can feel safe in expressing how you honestly feel about yourself and your futures together?”

Andrea Kamm
Andrea Kamm

It seems like the wife is now more receptive, I would be inclined to move out of the triangulation and encourage the couples connection by inviting her to tell her husband why she thinks she is using this defense with him, most likely with a sentence stem like, “how this behavior keeps me safe” and then deepen her exploration of that with him.

Matt Hersh
Matt Hersh

What a great example of a common dilemma. I know many couples in this developmental stage with this exact dynamic. The wife may be on the verge of true emotional understanding of the impact of her behavior on her husband and its hypocrisy. The wife’s defenses are now down – she is likely feeling very vulnerable and raw. And this could make the next move very unpredictable. With that said, I might therapeutically amplify the emotional understanding and let it sink in more through a few more seconds of silence, subtle nodding, and a few relatively deep breaths (all done subtly by the therapist). I might then ask the wife to verbally articulate (and thus better integrate neurobiologically) the history and function of the defensive/reactive behavior with her husband. But I would also want to help the couple acknowledge that it’s important to get back to the husband’s initial concerns (a little later that session) so that he feels validated and heard and that the wife can then practice mindful listening and see what that feels like. I would frame all of this as “a new way of being together” that will take practice and time but will likely be well worth the effort for each of them and the marriage.

Julia Flood
Julia Flood

I would probably stroke her receptivity but then see if she can get back into the Inquirer role and do a “do-over”. That’s how you could see if the intervention fell on fertile ground. My favorite part of this interaction was how you prepared her for your “pointed question”, giving her a chance to brace herself. I would like to do more of that myself.

Tony Rooney
Tony Rooney

(Making a point to establish eye contact with “wife”): Thank you for your honesty and your humility. That’s the kind of willingness to look at your own part in things that can allow for something truly different to happen here. If both of you continue to show up with that kind of courage and integrity, we are really going to get somewhere. So — observing your own response to (“husband”) as you would another’s behavior, can you trace back what you did that cut him off, and how you could have responded more productively?

Russell Wilkie
Russell Wilkie

I’ve been studying the blogs a lot, but have been struggling with pointing out hypocrisy in sessions. I’ve tried different ways to do it and actually used the word hypocritical with a pretty negative frowning back at me (I suspect, because hypocrisy is referenced in the Bible). I had one complaint from a client that his therapist called him a hypocrite (I consulted the therapist, and of course, the therapist didn’t, but because of the moral overtone, that’s what he took away). I’ve tried quite a lot of experimental ways of addressing this that haven’t gone well…

What I’m using now that is working well is the word “inconsistent,” instead. As in, “You say you want to change, but you didn’t do the assignment I gave you last time, and that is (or seems to be) inconsistent. So what’s in the way?” Or, “Part of you wanted to try it out and part of you didn’t and it looks like the “didn’t” part of you won the internal struggle (I can then use the two-chair experiment to get the two at-odds parts of the client talking…)

Also, I see a “double-bind” as being similar, if not the same as hypocrisy in most cases, so I’ve been calling a “double-bind” a “no-win situation.” As in, “You put your sweetie in a no-win situation when you yell at him to be more romantic and gentle with you, because when you do that, he can’t do that.”

Also, in the blog materials the concept of “shame” was brought up. This made a lot of sense to me. We are likely to move toward denial/minimization/double-binds/hypocrisy/diversionary tactics if we are ashamed that our behavior might be out of line with who we believe we are (or want to be believe we are, or want others to believe we are). This results in some form of lying or weaseling out of responsibility, thus, Ellyn, your 4 types of hypocrisies are actually the tactics used in a broader strategy to avoid shame — convenient fictions, self-brainwashing, elevating the importance of trivial things, and delusions to avoid self responsibility are all methods…

In the above vignette, very early, I wouldn’t let her shift away from his concerns to her concerns. I would gently suggest she has fears too, but it isn’t her turn yet, and to deescalate, she needs to stop their typical pattern and work hard at listening and stick to the Initiator and Inquirer format.

Near the end of the vignette when she says she can’t defend it, I would ask what else she could imagine doing that wouldn’t be defending it – trying to steer her back to listening and having the discipline to do so without reacting. And I would remind her that her reactions are valid and intense, but his issues need to be heard first — and if she knows that her fears, etc. will soon be heard and soothed, then she can relax and listen for now. –Russell

lois mitchell
lois mitchell

The comments are very thought provoking. It seems to me important to acknowledge the wife’s recognition of her “hypocrisy”, and then redirecting the couple back to the husband’s concerns, slowing things down so the wife is being supported and coached while mindfully listening to her husband’s concerns. Several of you managed to do that. The danger is getting focused on the wife again, rather than the process of dynamic communication between them.

sara david
sara david

This entire discussion is very thought provoking. I find Russell Wilkie’s comments to be especially helpful. In addition to assisting me with couples who come for consultations, this thread has assisted me to make sense of troubling interactions I have had with friends who gaslight or do a massive wipeout. These individuals are now “former friends” as it is draining to confront when there is no crack of openness to constructive feedback.

Ellyn
Ellyn

The quality of this discussion is superb. So many of you commented on the many nuances that are important: paying attention to the level of openness vs defensiveness, not straying too far from the structure you set up, not forgetting the husband’s issue, stroking the wife’s openness and seeing if she can stay there longer. Then you also suggested many good interventions that support increased accountability. Reading all your comments reinforced for me what an art it is to do good psychotherapy. No empirical research or cookbook recipe could tell you what would be best to do at a time like the moment we are discussing. You will be relying on all your experience, all your senses and the quality of your relationship with these clients in order to make the very best choice.
I will share my response to her here:
Ellyn: Again I appreciate your openness, your openness to letting in what I am describing. Being the first one to stop blaming is tough. Being the first to acknowledge your part in the problems is even tougher. Ironically, the one who stops blaming first and says “This is me. This is what I do” may even be the one doing it less. Perhaps, you may be more equipped to lead the way, yet you might say to yourself that your blame is justified because Jack does it more than you. How would it be for you to go first? I’ll give you a way to do that if what I am saying makes sense to you.

I welcome comments on my choice of intervention.

Lee Horton
Lee Horton

What terrific responses! I find myself feeling really good that there is so much effort out there to help couples.

The only thing I would add is that I continually reinforce the goal of creating a mutually caring relationship, so that each step is understood in its larger goal. It is so easy to get lost in a relationship, we need to help couples find a path, then keep the path well traveled so that the path can become easier to travel.

Jean Johnson
Jean Johnson

Listening without interrupting would be a good place to start, when ground rules are agreed to. It is difficult for sure to listen for a long time without jumping in. Could listening and speaking be timed? I find in couples therapy that one will remain quiet and fume or cry while the other rages on and on. This is especially true among hostile couples. I agree with many comments above.

JUDY JACKSON
JUDY JACKSON

THESE ARE WONDERFUL CONTRIBUTIONS AND DEMONSTRATE TO ME HOW MANY CHOICES WE CONSTANTLY FACE AS COUPLES THERAPISTS. I BELIEVE IF I WERE THE THERAPIST I WOULD INITIALLY LET THERE BE SOME MOMENTS OF SILENCE TO UNDERLINE THE WIFE’S IMPORTANT INSIGHT AS TO HER OWN ROLE IN MAINTAINING THIS DESTRUCTIVE PATTERN AND THE DISCOMFORT SHE FEELS IN RECOGNIZING AND ACKNOWLEDGING IT. I WOULD EMPHASIZE THAT IT TOOK BOTH GENEROSITY AND COURAGE TO RECOGNIZE AND ADMIT THIS TO ME AND HER HUSBAND. POINTING OUT THAT SHE MAY HAVE CONFLICTING FEELINGS AND MOTIVATIONS WHICH WILL MOVE HER CLOSER TO THE GOAL OF A HAPPIER RELATIONSHIP. I WOULD THEN GUIDE THE COUPLE BACK TO THE ORIGINAL STRUCTURE FROM WHICH THEY STRAYED AND HAVE THE WIFE TRY AGAIN WITH MY SUPPORT AND COACHING TO LISTEN WITH AS MUCH GENEROSITY AS SHE CAN WHILE MANAGING THE FEELINGS WHICH WILL SURELY ARISE WITHIN HER AS HER HUSBAND EXPRESSES HIS CONCERNS.

barbara israels
barbara israels

I would say: “you could have been defensive with me also when i confronted your self-focusing position with your husband, but you didn’t. you took control of your impulse to self-defend and instead opened yourself up to hearing what i had to say. you saw some validity to it and agreed with that. i appreciate your willingness to relate what i said, to the part of you that continues the hurtful patterns. now let’s continue this exercise, but this time activate the part of you that is willing to listen without focusing on your own issues. we will provide a time for you to initiate your concerns, but now let’s continue in hearing your husband’s concerns, with you being a willful listener with an open open mind to what he has to say.”.

Justus Lewis
Justus Lewis

Ellyn, I really liked your intervention (above) because you put her in a series of double binds that cumulatively seem likely to increase the chances of her changing her behaviour.
You appreciate her openness then indirectly present her with the challenge of being the first to change.
You acknowledge the toughness of the challenge then soften it by suggesting that the first to change may not necessarily be the one who is ‘offending’ most.
Then you introduce the idea of her being the leader, subtly implying that she may not hot have been in the past and this could be her opportunity.
Finally, while she is processing all of the above, you offer action with the proviso ‘if what I am saying makes sense’. If she really wants to improve the relationship, you are about to offer her a way to do this and if she says, yes, then by implication she has accepted all your previous subtle indirect positive suggestions.

Linda Johnson
Linda Johnson

Ellyn it is interesting that you took her to another effort “to go first” to acknowledge her own offensive way of being defensive. I might have made a smaller step in stroking her with empathy saying, ” yes, it is hard to see our own defensive ways of hurting the our partner/loved one and therefore hurting our relationship”. From a Dialectical Behavior Therapy point of view, that I have had some recent training, I might use my self as an example of how I get frustrated or feel some sense of unfairness when I have to struggle with if “I go first” a lot of the time (or say to myself “all the time” whether that is true or not…) 🙂

Sammy Jorgenson
Sammy Jorgenson

In a couple of these that I’ve read, you come across as really hard nosed. I think you can say what you say without come across as unempathetic. She’s acting as she does because of that shame. A little softening toward that wouldn’t hurt.

Ejil Taylor
Ejil Taylor

Wife just does what she wants to do. Controlling and emotional blackmail are tool have been implemented

Dr. Ellyn Bader

Dr. Ellyn Bader is Co-Founder & Director of The Couples Institute and creator of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Ellyn is widely recognized as an expert in couples therapy, and since 2006 she has led innovative online training programs for therapists. Professionals from around the world connect with her through internet, conference calls and blog discussions to study couples therapy. Ellyn’s first book, "In Quest of the Mythical Mate," won the Clark Vincent Award by the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists for its outstanding contribution to the field of marital therapy and is now in its 18th printing. She has been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News," and she has been quoted in many publications including "The New York Times," "The Oprah Magazine" and "Cosmopolitan."

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