Dear Therapist,

An interesting research study from Columbia University
reinforces something we already know. A law professor named
Jennifer Robbennolt discovered that admitting guilt seems to be
a central ingredient in a sincere apology. She also discovered
that a full apology is more likely to result in the quick
settlement of a law suit in certain kinds of cases.

145 people aged 21-70 were given a hypothetical accident
scenario. They were supposedly involved in an accident with a
bicyclist. The cyclist was at fault but offered a settlement
that only covered their medical costs. The results showed:

52% accepted the money when there was no apology

73% accepted the money when there was a full apology

35% accepted the settlement when the apology was only partial
and the bicyclist did not take responsibility for the collision.

Robbennolt's research suggests that people who feel injured or
wronged want to know that the other understands the essence of
what they did wrong. She also found that the more severe the
injury, the more people believed that the perpetrator - in this
case the bicyclist - must apologize. (Study reported by William
Whitney in Psychology Today Februrary 2004)

This reminded me of so many therapy sessions with couples where
one partner has deceived the other about an ongoing affair. The
deceived partner is looking for a sincere apology about the
effects of the affair. The other often wants to rush through it
with minimal expression of guilt. Frequently, they will make
excuses, avoid discussions and hide relevant information.
Sometimes even expensive gifts are given in an attempt to
resolve the affair and alleviate unspoken guilt. A common
complaint is, "I said I was sorry. Why aren't you getting over
it faster? Why are you beating me up?"

A main reason they are not getting over it faster is that a
sincere admission of guilt is missing. Acknowledging guilt to a
loved one is usually quite wrenching, but also essential. In the
middle stage of treatment with couples like these, I work to
encourage accountability. Accountability includes telling the
truth and providing information about unknown essential facts.
It also involves some soul-searching self reflection.

The question, "Why did I decide to deceive you?" is crucial to
answer. The answer to this question inevitably involves either
an admission of guilt or a continuation of an evasive pattern.
It will help both partners determine whether the deception was
in or out of character for the deceiving partner. Discussing
this question enables both partners to recognize that there are
relationship consequences from decided deception.

Another outcome of this soul-searching is that it increases this
partner's level of differentiation. It allows the "guilty"
partner to be pro-active in initiating repair attempts or
acknowledging potentially stressful situations in the future.

For example, a man and his wife were invited to a family wedding
that was to take place in the hotel he had frequented with his
lover. Instead of waiting for his wife to make the connection,
he initiated the following discussion:

"I know that being at the Mt. Royale Hotel might be hard for
you. I am sorry that what I did left this black hole in our
lives and created unnecessary pain for you. Is there anything
that I can do to make going to this wedding easier for you?"

She replied, "You just did it. I appreciate your recognition of
this potential trigger - and that you aren't hiding from your
guilt. I believe I can go and have fun with you."

There is an old African saying that expresses what I am
conveying this month better and shorter than I have said it:

"What is most difficult for a person to perceive is the fault
within him/herself. It is easier to put out fire in the house of
neighbors than to deal with the smoke in one's own."

Until next month,

Ellyn Bader