Dear Therapist,

It is hard to believe that another year has gone by and that the
holidays are here once again. Since everyone is extra busy this
time of year, I thought I'd just send a few short notes.

I just returned from the Brief Therapy Conference in Anaheim. A
lovely moment occurred after my clinical demonstration. A couple
came up and introduced themselves to me, saying they had now
been married for 60 years. They asked, "Would I like to know the
secret?"

What couples therapist could turn that down? I replied, "Of
course I would."

And here is what she said: "Whenever I get out of bed at night,
I pull the covers up over him-and he does the same for me. It
also helps that we fall asleep holding hands."

As I walked away, I thought how lovely and sweet this couple is
and how important it is to show love in all those small, but
essential ways. I've been talking about those covers to a lot of
clients this week!

It is also the time of year to support our couples in the
intricacies of relationships with their in-laws. Sadly, this
relationship often brings out jealousy, loyalty conflicts and
competitive dynamics in the dyad. Negotiation skills are so
crucial to navigate this terrain. After many years of walking
couples through the 'his family' vs. 'her family' fights for the
holidays, I have come to a position that I hold and often share.
The optimal role of a spouse is to help his/her partner have the
quality of relationship they choose or desire with their own
family of origin. Pitting oneself against those genetic ties
usually ends in heartbreak. This means more than ever that
couples must have strong negotiation skills so they can come to
solutions that work for both partners.

Pete and I wish you the very best for the holidays this year.

We value our relationship with you and the therapy community. We
look forward to new opportunities to share our thoughts and
training materials with you in the new year.

Warm holiday wishes,

Ellyn